Discussion How do you think about CTB when you have a loving partner and generally good relationship?

[OnionsOnEverything]

My partner doesn't know that I want to CTB soon. I've been able to hide my financial debts and burdens, but the truth is going to come out soon. There is no future for us when it does.

The emotionally considerate way of CTB would be to break up first right? Blame myself for my actions and how it will cause like two decades of financial struggle. Make sure my partner doesn't feel like it's their fault.

CTB out of the blue while I'm still in the relationship (in my partner's POV) would destroy my partner. They would definitely blame themselves. But for me, I wouldn't have to experience the intense break up talk. But I would traumatised my partner... I don't like that either.

I would love to hear about other users' thoughts on this topic.

I feel so much guilt and shame for destroying my life with debt and the fact that I hid it for months. I knew this day was going to come so I basically led on my partner as I crashed my finances out.

 

[devils~advocate]

My situation is the opposite.
I have a partner (marriage) that doesn't know about my plans to CTB. There have been several difficulties in the past with their infidelity and animosity towards my family. To the point that they have not spoken or seen my family in 13 years. I know........ I let it all last too long. I should have left then....but I didnt......, I guess for thinking I could work it out and that I didnt want to be alone again in my life. Its been up and down since then. I go back and forth thinking that I deserve all of it happening to me.

I also have a very loving family (elderly) that cares for me very much. They want the best for me and would sacrifice themselves for my well-being. They supported me emotionally and financially during those times with my partner.

I feel a lot of guilt of putting my family thru all that so far. I guess them not seeing or talking to my partner made it some what easier....and I tried to hide any of my sadness from them. So I hope in their minds, when they see me, they think I am just a non-marrried person living their life.

I have no debt except for a shared house mortgage with my partner.
My partner will get life insurance money and my 401k when I CTB. This is something that I can not change legally.
I guess I could start a divorce before finally CTBing.....but I have been apprehensive. It would still be legally a mess to deal with.
Even though my feelings for my partner have wanned over the years.....they still have dealt with me and my issues (whatever they might be) for 20 years now. .

If you have insurance (life) then your partner would get that.

Like your situation, my partner and family will be shocked and hurt.
I have made audio recordings detailing how I feel about them. For my family, recounting loving memories of our times together and how I know that they care about me.
For my partner, not so much happy things.....its as if I had an open floor at a therapy session to tell them what I think about them and what they have done to me.

For you, maybe an extensive note or letter....or maybe even audio would help them understand the situation. Telling them how you feel about them...that it isnt their fault...they didnt do anything to deserve the hurt they feel.....but telling them that you love and care for them. I sure hope this helps my family when the time comes.

 

[yotaka]

My partner doesn't know that I want to CTB soon. I've been able to hide my financial debts and burdens, but the truth is going to come out soon. There is no future for us when it does.

The emotionally considerate way of CTB would be to break up first right? Blame myself for my actions and how it will cause like two decades of financial struggle. Make sure my partner doesn't feel like it's their fault.

CTB out of the blue while I'm still in the relationship (in my partner's POV) would destroy my partner. They would definitely blame themselves. But for me, I wouldn't have to experience the intense break up talk. But I would traumatised my partner... I don't like that either.

I would love to hear about other users' thoughts on this topic.

I feel so much guilt and shame for destroying my life with debt and the fact that I hid it for months. I knew this day was going to come so I basically led on my partner as I crashed my finances out.

You know your circumstances much better than I do, so please feel free to disregard my thoughts if they're not relevant to your situation.

In my view, the considerate thing to do would be to let your partner know what you plan to do so they can make their own decision. In my case, there's someone I'm very close to (who, to keep things simple, I'll just say is my partner even though it's more complicated that). It wasn't easy, but I let her know that it's likely I'll eventually end my own life. I didn't go into details that she didn't ask about; basically I just explained that it's not at all her fault and there's nothing she could do about it, and made it clear that I was telling her because I want her to be able to determine the level of closeness or distance she wants with me. I know this is something that has a huge emotional impact on her, so I feel like she should be informed.

Again, I recognize this might not make sense to do in your context, but I wanted to put it out there as something to consider.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

That financial burden must be so much to carry on your own. Have you ever considered telling your partner about it to see how they would react? I understand that you want to protect him from the financial burden, but I think adults prefer to have agency and be allowed to make their own decisions. I don't know him, but I imagine the average person would rather be told the truth and be allowed to choose how to move on from there. It may make it even harder for them if they can't find an 'explanation' for your death and leave them confused.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Any chance you could speak with your partner about the debt? Be open and let them know you had it for years and were too ashamed to reveal it. Perhaps the partner gets angry and leaves; then you are free to do what you need to. But, maybe your partner will understand - or even if they get angry, but still want the relationship to work, then you have something to work towards as a team (i.e. get out of debt). If you are considering CTB, my advice is to at least let your partner know about the reason for it. You may just be surprised how it works out.

My partner is aware of my suicidal tendencies over the years. She has been very supportive in terms of me seeking help and trying to keep the "bad thoughts" at bay. The stress in the relationship occurs when I am completely fatigued and feel like I can't do the "self-help" stuff anymore. Fortunately, I'm getting better at energy management and she is getting better at understanding what can trigger me into a depression.

Objectively, finances are not an issue. Subjectively, finances are the issue. I did very well with my firm until COVID hit - then it took a nose dive because working from home was not the best thing as it allowed me to "hide" from the usual issues of life. Now, I'm building it back up but did have to get a signficant cash injection from my wife who is retired - she sold her company when our daughter was born - and trust me when I say that I considered CTB a thousand times before having that discussion with my wife. But you know, it worked out. The one thing she wanted for me though was to get help - either meds, or therapy, counselling, or even retreats in the mountains.... and that seemed like a good trade off.

My particular mental issues focuses on where I was (i.e. making tons of money); and compares it to where I currently am (having to inject cash into the firm). The greater the delta between the two, the more likely I am to CTB. With a significant life insurance policy that is tax free, I frequently have thoughts that my life insurance coupled with our real estate holdings and investments, would provide my family the life they deserve, even if I'm not in it.

I fully realize the above seems completely irrational - I have a loving wife and great daughter, with enough financial health to cover everything for the rest of our lives and still leave enough for our daughter. But I can't shake the fact that every little set-back, no matter how minor, triggers catastrophic thinking. The only thing that keeps me around is the devastation my CTB would cause my family. So, I use that as my reason to keep going...but if something happened and they were no longer in the picture, I would be checking out within weeks after getting my estate in order.....probably buried in 50 kg of Peruvian white while watching Scarface on a big screen TV...

Ultimately it comes down to the belief that my value as a man is based on what I can provide to my family. However, I am doing a lot of work to realize that my family values me on how I make them feel - and things such as watching an F1 race with my daughter, or just giving my wife a back rub while watching a movie - is apparently valued more than closing another file. I think I'm heading in the right direction but there are lots of setbacks that life is throwing up at me. However, I'm going to try my best to keep going. My family is worth it. Maybe your partner is too - at least give it a try.

Sorry for the ramble - this is the downside to finding a place where I can truly express myself for the first time in my life.

 

[OnionsOnEverything]

Any chance you could speak with your partner about the debt? Be open and let them know you had it for years and were too ashamed to reveal it. Perhaps the partner gets angry and leaves; then you are free to do what you need to. But, maybe your partner will understand - or even if they get angry, but still want the relationship to work, then you have something to work towards as a team (i.e. get out of debt). If you are considering CTB, my advice is to at least let your partner know about the reason for it. You may just be surprised how it works out.

My partner is aware of my suicidal tendencies over the years. She has been very supportive in terms of me seeking help and trying to keep the "bad thoughts" at bay. The stress in the relationship occurs when I am completely fatigued and feel like I can't do the "self-help" stuff anymore. Fortunately, I'm getting better at energy management and she is getting better at understanding what can trigger me into a depression.

Objectively, finances are not an issue. Subjectively, finances are the issue. I did very well with my firm until COVID hit - then it took a nose dive because working from home was not the best thing as it allowed me to "hide" from the usual issues of life. Now, I'm building it back up but did have to get a signficant cash injection from my wife who is retired - she sold her company when our daughter was born - and trust me when I say that I considered CTB a thousand times before having that discussion with my wife. But you know, it worked out. The one thing she wanted for me though was to get help - either meds, or therapy, counselling, or even retreats in the mountains.... and that seemed like a good trade off.

My particular mental issues focuses on where I was (i.e. making tons of money); and compares it to where I currently am (having to inject cash into the firm). The greater the delta between the two, the more likely I am to CTB. With a significant life insurance policy that is tax free, I frequently have thoughts that my life insurance coupled with our real estate holdings and investments, would provide my family the life they deserve, even if I'm not in it.

I fully realize the above seems completely irrational - I have a loving wife and great daughter, with enough financial health to cover everything for the rest of our lives and still leave enough for our daughter. But I can't shake the fact that every little set-back, no matter how minor, triggers catastrophic thinking. The only thing that keeps me around is the devastation my CTB would cause my family. So, I use that as my reason to keep going...but if something happened and they were no longer in the picture, I would be checking out within weeks after getting my estate in order.....probably buried in 50 kg of Peruvian white while watching Scarface on a big screen TV...

Ultimately it comes down to the belief that my value as a man is based on what I can provide to my family. However, I am doing a lot of work to realize that my family values me on how I make them feel - and things such as watching an F1 race with my daughter, or just giving my wife a back rub while watching a movie - is apparently valued more than closing another file. I think I'm heading in the right direction but there are lots of setbacks that life is throwing up at me. However, I'm going to try my best to keep going. My family is worth it. Maybe your partner is too - at least give it a try.

Sorry for the ramble - this is the downside to finding a place where I can truly express myself for the first time in my life.

Thank you for your words of help and story. It has given me some light and perspective and I will follow your advice. I really need to confront my shame and talk to them about my finances.

Your wife sounds like an amazing human who has stuck by and helped you over these years. Our lives are drastically different, my career non-existent but I am able to follow your way of thinking. I also know I'm being irrational and that I put myself in this situation single-handedly. My parents specifically have sacrificed so much for my family to succeed in a new country and I feel so much shame thinking of giving that all up because I allowed my mental illness dictate my entire life last year.

I am very happy you were able to come to the realization that the time spent with your family is precious. It really is. You have a great support network and I believe you'll be able to retire and hopefully not have to worry about the firm.

Please don't apologize for expressing yourself. Those words must've lifted some weight off your mind in the hopes of helping me and they did. Thank you again for sharing Seneca.

 

[OnionsOnEverything]

That financial burden must be so much to carry on your own. Have you ever considered telling your partner about it to see how they would react? I understand that you want to protect him from the financial burden, but I think adults prefer to have agency and be allowed to make their own decisions. I don't know him, but I imagine the average person would rather be told the truth and be allowed to choose how to move on from there. It may make it even harder for them if they can't find an 'explanation' for your death and leave them confused.

Yes I've considered it and am considering it. The shame of revealing and the consequent unknowns of my partner's behavior scares me deeply. It's as if I don't say anything, then it really isn't real. But the problems and consequences are becoming very real and open.

I really like your thought that adults prefer to have agency and make their own decisions because in my anxiety-ridden head, by CTBing, I am making the decision for my partner and saving them from even having to make the hard decision.

I agree that if they did not have an explanation, they would blame themselves as if it were their fault.

You know your circumstances much better than I do, so please feel free to disregard my thoughts if they're not relevant to your situation.

In my view, the considerate thing to do would be to let your partner know what you plan to do so they can make their own decision. In my case, there's someone I'm very close to (who, to keep things simple, I'll just say is my partner even though it's more complicated that). It wasn't easy, but I let her know that it's likely I'll eventually end my own life. I didn't go into details that she didn't ask about; basically I just explained that it's not at all her fault and there's nothing she could do about it, and made it clear that I was telling her because I want her to be able to determine the level of closeness or distance she wants with me. I know this is something that has a huge emotional impact on her, so I feel like she should be informed.

Again, I recognize this might not make sense to do in your context, but I wanted to put it out there as something to consider.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They are quite relevant to my situation. As another user wrote in this thread, those who are considering CTB should offer the choice and agency to those close to them to decide what to do, whether that's to leave or help. It is something that is ever-present in my mind nowadays. It seems easier to just CTB and forget about the consequent fallout because I won't be around, but then again, why leave this planet with such a tarnished last memory to my loved ones.

My situation is the opposite.
I have a partner (marriage) that doesn't know about my plans to CTB. There have been several difficulties in the past with their infidelity and animosity towards my family. To the point that they have not spoken or seen my family in 13 years. I know........ I let it all last too long. I should have left then....but I didnt......, I guess for thinking I could work it out and that I didnt want to be alone again in my life. Its been up and down since then. I go back and forth thinking that I deserve all of it happening to me.

I also have a very loving family (elderly) that cares for me very much. They want the best for me and would sacrifice themselves for my well-being. They supported me emotionally and financially during those times with my partner.

I feel a lot of guilt of putting my family thru all that so far. I guess them not seeing or talking to my partner made it some what easier....and I tried to hide any of my sadness from them. So I hope in their minds, when they see me, they think I am just a non-marrried person living their life.

I have no debt except for a shared house mortgage with my partner.
My partner will get life insurance money and my 401k when I CTB. This is something that I can not change legally.
I guess I could start a divorce before finally CTBing.....but I have been apprehensive. It would still be legally a mess to deal with.
Even though my feelings for my partner have wanned over the years.....they still have dealt with me and my issues (whatever they might be) for 20 years now. .

If you have insurance (life) then your partner would get that.

Like your situation, my partner and family will be shocked and hurt.
I have made audio recordings detailing how I feel about them. For my family, recounting loving memories of our times together and how I know that they care about me.
For my partner, not so much happy things.....its as if I had an open floor at a therapy session to tell them what I think about them and what they have done to me.

For you, maybe an extensive note or letter....or maybe even audio would help them understand the situation. Telling them how you feel about them...that it isnt their fault...they didnt do anything to deserve the hurt they feel.....but telling them that you love and care for them. I sure hope this helps my family when the time comes.

Thank you for sharing your story, Devils Advocate. The situation with your family is most unfortunate and sad. I think it was only natural for you to think that it could work out with your family and partner. I am glad that your family cares for you. Last year, I cut them out because I was so stressed out with my life obligations and I have felt so much guilt and shame for doing so because they must be so confused and worry about me.

I don't need to worry about life insurance. I have no assets left except my unpaid phone and I don't know if collections would take my laptop or clothes. The logical side of my brain knows my debt issues aren't insurmountable. Some would even laugh that I am panicking as I am but it would mean hardship and court and garnished wages and certainly a less happy life but I only have myself to blame.

Wow, I don't know if I could do an audio recording without breaking down every 10 seconds. Writing a "note" in this method is a great idea because loved ones can hear your voice and it's not just pen marks on a piece of paper.

Thank you again for your words and advice. I am definitely going to write a note or do an audio recording like you did. Leaving them in the dark would be a really mean way of going out and leaving a mark.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Thank you for your words of help and story. It has given me some light and perspective and I will follow your advice. I really need to confront my shame and talk to them about my finances.

Your wife sounds like an amazing human who has stuck by and helped you over these years. Our lives are drastically different, my career non-existent but I am able to follow your way of thinking. I also know I'm being irrational and that I put myself in this situation single-handedly. My parents specifically have sacrificed so much for my family to succeed in a new country and I feel so much shame thinking of giving that all up because I allowed my mental illness dictate my entire life last year.

I am very happy you were able to come to the realization that the time spent with your family is precious. It really is. You have a great support network and I believe you'll be able to retire and hopefully not have to worry about the firm.

Please don't apologize for expressing yourself. Those words must've lifted some weight off your mind in the hopes of helping me and they did. Thank you again for sharing Seneca.

Thank you for the unbelievably kind words. I truly hope that things will work out for you. During my darkest times, I try to remember 2 quotes - they brought me some peace and I pray they can do the same for you:

Steve Jobs: You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

I think about following quote when I am too tired to fight anymore and need a mental and emotional rest - almost like treading water until I can start swimming again. Robert Black: "The Universe is like a flowing river, and you are connected to it. It's pointless to worry about which of the endless branches in the river to take, or to try and fight the flow, far better just to drift and let the river take you where it will, because ultimately you will end up at the same destination anyway."

You seem like such a wonderful and kind person, know that you have lots of people pulling for you.

 

[Zyntkalla]

That financial burden must be so much to carry on your own. Have you ever considered telling your partner about it to see how they would react? I understand that you want to protect him from the financial burden, but I think adults prefer to have agency and be allowed to make their own decisions. I don't know him, but I imagine the average person would rather be told the truth and be allowed to choose how to move on from there. It may make it even harder for them if they can't find an 'explanation' for your death and leave them confused.

I pretty sure it won't work in my situation. Because my parents are a bit overprotective definitely my dad. They would put me in a mental hospital. And no amount of medication can fix my problems. If I was born in a time where they could manipulate DNA to fix the issues then I would have a chance.