Help How do you get rid of the sadness and guilty if your friend/ family/ close one ever leave you through suicide? That is also why I join in this site.

[ChocoholicSawako]

Title. Thanks a lot in advance

 

[Rainy_days]

I'm sorry for your loss. I would imagine that the sadness would never go away although I would hope that with time it would grow less intense. As for guilt, ultimately the decision was theirs to make and you must not hold yourself responsible for it. You'll probably still feel the guilt anyway but try to recognize that you aren't deserving of it unless you were horribly abusive to them or something.

 

[wait.what]

Do you want to tell us about the person you lost? What were they like? Do you have a sense of why they chose suicide?

 

[FuneralCry]

Well, the way that I see it, after all it was their choice to leave and they had the right to do such a thing. Nobody should feel like they are forced to exist only for the sake of other people and anyway people who choose to leave are fortunate as they cannot suffer anymore, they are free from whatever this life has burdened them with and they got what they wanted. Grief and loss are simply inevitable in life and to die is the most normal thing ever after all, it's inescapable.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's unlikely I'll be able to say anything to make you feel better but I will try. I suppose the major one is- I very much doubt your friend or loved one wants you to feel guilty. Many people hold on for as long as they can because they are so worried about the ones they leave behind. I would hate for anyone I knew to feel guilty that there is something they could have done. Depression and suicidal ideation is often a very personal struggle and it's not always something that people can help with- not even professionals. There could very well have been nothing you could have done to help them.

I expect you know this but just because they did what they did- it doesn't mean they didn't love or care about you.

It's going to be difficult to stop feeling sad about it. I think it's actually normal and healthy to grieve actually- to feel whatever you are feeling- just allow yourself to feel it really.

Don't feel you have to answer this- it's very personal I realise but, did they leave a note? Have you managed to get any closure from that as to why they did it?

I realise it's a very distressing time for you. I suppose one thing that was a comfort to me after losing family members was the relief that they are now at peace. Your friend or loved one must have been suffering greatly to do what they did. I suppose it is some comfort to think that they are now at rest.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you have found this platform though. I hope you can find some comfort here.

 

[MideonNViscera]

What I can say is, there's no point in looking back and wondering what could have been different. As long as they knew you cared about them, that was all you could do. Rationally, you shouldn't feel any guilt. I know that doesn't take it away, but maybe it will someday.

The sadness, well, everyone has their own grieving process. I don't think we're qualified to help you with that, but there are professionals who are.

I'm sorry for your loss. I know it must feel so painful. I just hope it only lasts an appropriate amount of time for you.

 

[liana]

I'm so sorry for your loss and for having to go through this.

I don't think you can get rid of the sadness except for temporarily if you suppress it, and then it will come back. I think it has to be fully felt. Do you know anything that could make it easier? Maybe you have someone else who knew them who is going through the same?

As for guilt, does it feel like it's internal or external? If it's external you could examine where it's coming from, did you use to be blamed and so on. If it's internal I would look at it as a way your own system is ensuring it doesn't happen again. Did I miss any signs, could I have helped, looking at things in retrospect. Where does the guilt come from, do you think? Remember that hindsight is everything.

I missed signs of someone suicidal. Luckily and thankfully they ended up telling me instead of going through with it, although they were close many times. I remember the situations I saw in a new light. Them going quiet when I brought up suicide as a theoretical issue. Saying they were happy with the life they had had if X situation where someone died, had happened to them. And so on.

 

[ChocoholicSawako]

Do you want to tell us about the person you lost? What were they like? Do you have a sense of why they chose suicide?

well, the person is my classmate, she used to sit just behind me in our classroom. she left the world at her home.
i should've known her well for we study together, but due to covid we studied at our homes much more than at school, so sadly, i dont know her well really.
i feel so sad because she was so lively and positive before me but i didnt even know what pain and depression she was through! i shouldve been a listener, but i wasnt.
i dont really know the reason why she chose to leave in such a heartbreaking way, maybe she did leave a note, but i cant get it anyway, can i?
thank you for caring. :)

 

[ChocoholicSawako]

I'm so sorry for your loss and for having to go through this.

I don't think you can get rid of the sadness except for temporarily if you suppress it, and then it will come back. I think it has to be fully felt. Do you know anything that could make it easier? Maybe you have someone else who knew them who is going through the same?

As for guilt, does it feel like it's internal or external? If it's external you could examine where it's coming from, did you use to be blamed and so on. If it's internal I would look at it as a way your own system is ensuring it doesn't happen again. Did I miss any signs, could I have helped, looking at things in retrospect. Where does the guilt come from, do you think? Remember that hindsight is everything.

I missed signs of someone suicidal. Luckily and thankfully they ended up telling me instead of going through with it, although they were close many times. I remember the situations I saw in a new light. Them going quiet when I brought up suicide as a theoretical issue. Saying they were happy with the life they had had if X situation where someone died, had happened to them. And so on.

thank you, thank you

 

[wait.what]

There was almost certainly nothing you could have done for your classmate. Whatever drove her to suicide was probably something specific to her and her perspective on the world. It may have had nothing to do with other people at all, not even her close friends or family. It's very kind of you to wish you could have helped, but try not to get lost in that wish. Sometimes it can feel better to beat yourself up for not fixing everybody than to accept the reality of helplessness. However, we are actually helpless to "fix" others' feelings, decisions, or actions.

 

[ChocoholicSawako]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's unlikely I'll be able to say anything to make you feel better but I will try. I suppose the major one is- I very much doubt your friend or loved one wants you to feel guilty. Many people hold on for as long as they can because they are so worried about the ones they leave behind. I would hate for anyone I knew to feel guilty that there is something they could have done. Depression and suicidal ideation is often a very personal struggle and it's not always something that people can help with- not even professionals. There could very well have been nothing you could have done to help them.

I expect you know this but just because they did what they did- it doesn't mean they didn't love or care about you.

It's going to be difficult to stop feeling sad about it. I think it's actually normal and healthy to grieve actually- to feel whatever you are feeling- just allow yourself to feel it really.

Don't feel you have to answer this- it's very personal I realise but, did they leave a note? Have you managed to get any closure from that as to why they did it?

I realise it's a very distressing time for you. I suppose one thing that was a comfort to me after losing family members was the relief that they are now at peace. Your friend or loved one must have been suffering greatly to do what they did. I suppose it is some comfort to think that they are now at rest.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you have found this platform though. I hope you can find some comfort here.

She left the world at her home so even if she did have a note, I can't get it, can I?
Thank you so much for your long text, yes, I'm deeply touched at the moment.

 

[Forever Sleep]

She left the world at her home so even if she did have a note, I can't get it, can I?
Thank you so much for your long text, yes, I'm deeply touched at the moment.

I suppose you could ask her family or the police whether she left a note and whether you could see it. I have unfortunately heard of notes being confiscated as evidence rather than passed on but I don't think this always happens. I think it's worth enquiring- just for your own peace of mind and to work towards closure.

 

[SamTam33]

I don't know if this will work for this particular situation, but whenever I struggle with accepting something, I try to reframe it.

For instance, while acknowledging your own sadness, you can also acknowledge that your classmate won't have to feel sadness ever again. That's a positive, right?

She'll never have to feel guilt about anything. Never stress out over assignments. Never again will she have to experience losing someone.

All of her pain is gone.

She was able to do for herself what others couldn't or wouldn't do.

That's something I take comfort in: knowing that someone was suffering and they found a way to rectify it when no one else could.

 

[ChocoholicSawako]

I suppose you could ask her family or the police whether she left a note and whether you could see it. I have unfortunately heard of notes being confiscated as evidence rather than passed on but I don't think this always happens. I think it's worth enquiring- just for your own peace of mind and to work towards closure.

Thanks for advising.
Where I am from, we always avoid talking about death, especially suicide.
What's more I know nothing about her family members, idk where they live or any contact of theirs.
It's impossible for me to get the truth,
I'm not curious about that anyway.
I am comforted, at least I know about her death, other classmates don't even seem to feel anything. I just want to forget this sadness and that is all.
Thank you for caring. :)

对于您的损失以及不得不经历这一切，我感到非常抱歉。

我不认为你可以摆脱悲伤，除非你暂时压抑它，然后它会回来。我认为必须充分感受到这一点。你知道什么可以让它变得更容易吗？也许你有其他人认识他们正在经历同样的事情？

至于内疚，感觉是内在的还是外在的？如果它是外部的，你可以检查它来自哪里，你是否曾经受到指责等等。如果它是内部的，我会将其视为您自己的系统确保它不会再次发生的一种方式。我是否错过了任何迹象，我能帮忙，回顾一下事情。你觉得内疚从何而来？请记住，后见之明就是一切。

我错过了有人自杀的迹象。幸运的是，谢天谢地，他们最终告诉我而不是通过它，尽管他们多次接近。我记得我以新的眼光看到的情况。当我提出自杀作为一个理论问题时，他们变得沉默了。说他们对自己的生活感到满意，如果X情况有人死了，发生在他们身上。等等。

Thank you for your text, that was so sweet.

 

[june]

Ahh thats tough