How do you find acceptance for what you did during psychosis?

[whitetaildeer]

Hi everyone. Acceptance might not be the right word, but I can't figure out what else could be fitting.

I'm diagnosed schizoaffective (specifically childhood onset schizoaffective disorder; I was diagnosed 9 years ago, I'm now 21, so it's not new to me), which is a mood disorder combined with schizophrenia. In my case, it's bipolar. I wasn't in treatment for this for the longest time, and while out of treatment, I recently did some...questionable shit in the winter-spring of this year, during a psychotic + mixed episode? I wouldn't say it was that bad, but it makes me internally cringe and want to hide in embarrassment forever and never talk to or even face another human being.

I'm well out of that episode now, and while I still hallucinate it's not nearly as detrimental to me now as it was back then. Circling back to the title, how do I find acceptance for this? I know I wasn't in my right mind, but even if I kind of knew what was going on (I was in a lot of denial, but I knew something was very wrong), I don't like how I acted whatsoever. I want to stop feeling shame, but I don't know if that's even possible. If I can't stop feeling shame and cannot accept what I did, then how do I start feeling better about myself? Does it at least get better?

 

[gunmetalblue]

My ex has schizophrenia, and do some absolutely wild shit let alone on the daily, but especially if her meds weren't balancing her out enough and let her spiral into forms of psychosis.
After the events or facts, on a clearer head her way of coping would be humour. She's just reference having being possessed by the devil again (she had a lot of religious psychosis hence the joke). Having schizophrenia from my perspective made her more unique then the average person when it comes to handling embrasement, and trusting herself. Which makes sense.
All this to say, there probably isn't going to be a magic solution to help with the shame and embrasement. Just try and keep yourself surrounded by people who can understand best they can, but mostly care about you a personal level and will move on at your own pace, giving you the time to process what happens, but also when you are ready the dignity of moving on and not being reminded.

 

[StarryEyed]

Hi. I have had way too many psychotic episodes since my teens (I'm 62). It's absolutely humiliating for me. But it got less humiliating when I decided to accept that I have them and therefore started to own them and in so doing decided to apologise for my behaviour. People would say, oh, no, you don't need to apologise because that wasn't the real you. Or something to that effect. And I started saying, yes, it was part of me and who else could apologise for that behaviour but me? I think ownership was and is the biggest game changer in living with my illness.

 

[whitetaildeer]

Thank you both for the replies, to be honest they made me smile. I feel a bit more hopeful now.

[...] it got less humiliating when I decided to accept that I have them and therefore started to own them and in so doing decided to apologise for my behaviour. People would say, oh, no, you don't need to apologise because that wasn't the real you. Or something to that effect. And I started saying, yes, it was part of me and who else could apologise for that behaviour but me? I think ownership was and is the biggest game changer in living with my illness.

I really like this mindset, and I've kept the fact that I'm schizophrenic from literally everyone. Even my late girlfriend, who was by far, the most important person in my life, and the most accepting of my problems. The only person who knows is my father (and distant family), for the obvious reasons.

People knowing that you have a disability like this typically means they're very eager to absolve you of any wrongdoing once they find out you weren't of sound mind, which is kind of them admittedly but I don't like it at all. So I try to hide it, to the best of my ability.

I'm assuming you've opened up to people about this illness, so can I ask how that went for you, and how it changed people's perceptions of you? Additionally, does the humiliation of what you did during psychosis go away with time when you own your mistakes, or does it involve a lot of effort emotionally and mentally to feel better?

 

[StarryEyed]

@whitetaildeer we must be talking about different things. Psychosis isn't something you can hide.

 

[whitetaildeer]

@whitetaildeer we must be talking about different things. Psychosis isn't something you can hide.

It really isn't...I've made a lot of accusations against people, believed they were "gangstalkers", that they were mind controlled or all out to get me, etc...truthfully I don't know if I "hid" it. A lot of past friends have seen how unwell I was, but the extent of how much they knew, I have no idea. Maybe I'm kidding myself? Sorry for the miscommunication.

 

[StarryEyed]

Oh, paranoid delusions. Yeah, were on the same page, I think. Have you ever been hospitalised, if you don't mind my asking?

 

[whitetaildeer]

Oh, paranoid delusions. Yeah, were on the same page, I think. Have you ever been hospitalised, if you don't mind my asking?

As in, hospitalized at a ward? I was, only once. It was absolutely terrible. Never ever again.

 

[StarryEyed]

You were really young when diagnosed!

The repeated hospital tortures that are impossible to avoid when psychotic is one of the reasons I'm suicidal. The memories are terrifying and the possibility of future repeats is equally terrifying. That's even without talking about how terrifying the psychosis itself is! There's no escape.

What other symptoms do you have? How did you explain away your delusions?

 

[Meretlein]

Should someone who has a seizure feel embarassed by what happened during it?

Psychosis is something all brains have the potienitial to do and it is not something that one can control with willpower. If my brain betrayed me, I am sure I would act in ways that would make me feel embarassed. I know it is easier to say than do, but don't be ashamed of something that you never chose to do.

 

[StarryEyed]

@Meretlein that sounds lovely. You're right that it's easy to say from a theoretical standpoint. Theoretically shame is inappropriate for everyone. Absolutely ridiculously inappropriate.

 

[whitetaildeer]

The repeated hospital tortures that are impossible to avoid when psychotic is one of the reasons I'm suicidal. The memories are terrifying and the possibility of future repeats is equally terrifying. That's even without talking about how terrifying the psychosis itself is! There's no escape.

What other symptoms do you have? How did you explain away your delusions?

Ughh don't get me started on hospitals!

As for other symptoms, there's...a lot? Sorry, this is about to be very long!

The most common one for me is words changing, or becoming...nonsensical? I don't even know how to explain the nonsensical part; an entire paragraph will stay exactly as it is, but it will make no sense -- like I don't even speak English anymore. But then it'll just...make sense? Out of nowhere? And then sometimes, words will appear COMPLETELY different than from what they are. I've even seen street signs completely change. This is literally an every day part of my life now.

Auditory hallucinations and voices are very common for me too. The worst by far is hallucinating loved ones having conversations, usually derogatory in nature. My most vivid memory of this happening was when I was a teenager: I heard my late mother talking poorly of me for hours at a time to my cousin, outside of my bedroom, and when I finally got the gall to open the door, the conversation completely stopped and she wasn't even outside of the room. She had been asleep the whole time. Voices typically have some kind of "trigger", if that makes any sense? I say a certain word or think of a certain thing; if I think of a fictional character that shares the same name as a former best friend, for example, then regardless of the context, I'll hear someone say, in an accusatory or taunting tone, "They know you liked it" (it being, TW for CSA: my mother sexually assaulting me). I sometimes hear people calling out my name, sometimes screaming it like they're in distress or something. Also as a teenager, each time I wanted to go outside, I'd hear a voice say "don't!" or "no". TV's suddenly directing their attention to me and trying to hold conversations with me isn't particularly common but that happens too.

Visual hallucinations are annoying. I hallucinate spiders regularly. Most of the time, my vision is filtered through...something kind of like a CRT TV screen? Does that make any sense? That's what it looks like right now, as of writing this. I often see shadow people, usually when I'm trying to shower, trying to sleep and I leave a door open, or when I look out my window. When I'm extremely stressed, I can often hear my late girlfriend talking to me in very short phrases, or see her in the corner of my eye. I've also seen animal carcasses, or seen animal carcasses that actually existed, but in completely different locations. There's also sometimes black blots in my vision, sometimes they look like flames? I hope that makes sense.

As for explaining away delusions, I'm not very sure I understand, but how I've done it is a very...roundabout way of doing so? I keep things to myself, because delusions insist that I have to, and that every bad thing that happens to me will spread to the people I care about if I start opening up to people, and they will start getting "gangstalked" too. Or they'll become mind controlled, even if I open up incrimentally, or "paid off" to either hurt me or become mind controlled. In my recent episode, there were some very brief blips of lucidity during psychosis for me, but they went away FAST -- within 15 minutes or so (and even then, I was still hallucinating all of the time, but I was aware it was my disorder, and not the cause of gangstalkers or some shadow government organization). I don't know how that is, but it happened?
(EDIT: Of course hiding this wouldn't work, and then because I kept bottling it up and let myself spiral, I'd start accusing people, most oftenly making much smaller accusations whilst hinting at the gangstalking. And then we'd make amends because they wouldn't really see the bigger picture? Don't know how to explain this one. I hope it makes sense.)

Thanks for letting me talk about this by asking questions. I feel a little bit more comfortable with myself typing this all out. :)

 

[StarryEyed]

That's super tough I'm sure to be experiencing, @whitetaildeer. Just devastating. Now I know what you mean by hiding it. It's like me - that I just don't explain what's going on in my head (like you have here) to people, so they don't know. But on the outside they can see something is wrong, but they'll never know the torture in my mind. The fear like you describe of letting people in is crippling for me. So I'm all alone in the terror and chaos. The solitude adds to the terror. Do you have anyone at all to talk to about these experiences? I have learned a shit-ton of ways to manage my symptoms, so thankfully I am lucid between episodes. But then I often wish I didn't have lucid periods because then I am haunted by the reality of my madness and the memories and the fear of relapse. It's a dreadful existence. Just dreadful. Are you helped at all by meds?

 

[whitetaildeer]

That's super tough I'm sure to be experiencing, @whitetaildeer. Just devastating. Now I know what you mean by hiding it. It's like me - that I just don't explain what's going on in my head (like you have here) to people, so they don't know. But on the outside they can see something is wrong, but they'll never know the torture in my mind. The fear like you describe of letting people in is crippling for me. So I'm all alone in the terror and chaos. The solitude adds to the terror. Do you have anyone at all to talk to about these experiences? I have learned a shit-ton of ways to manage my symptoms, so thankfully I am lucid between episodes. But then I often wish I didn't have lucid periods because then I am haunted by the reality of my madness and the memories and the fear of relapse. It's a dreadful existence. Just dreadful. Are you helped at all by meds?

God if someone had told me I'd written this, I'd believe it. This is exactly how it feels, and it's suffocating. ESPECIALLY knowing you're lucid, and knowing that you're losing your mind...only to spiral right back into madness. Somehow, mentally I'm at my lowest during those brief periods of lucidity, than I am during full-fledged psychosis.

I very fortunately have one person in my life, who I am very lucky to call my best friend. They're schizoaffective, just like me, so we completely understand each other. They've had their episodes, and I've had mine; we bounce back stronger, especially now that we're in treatment and therapy respectively.

Meds are such a saving grace. I'm so so so fortunate to not be treatment resistant. They're not perfect, they don't fix everything, but they make a major change. I could cry just thinking about it.

 

[StarryEyed]

Hi @whitetaildeer

So you know what I was thinking today? It's about us talking here not knowing anything at all about each other, yet sharing experiences that are intimately the same. And that happens on the psych ward with me too. And so as I was saying that I am alone in my madness because I can't talk to anyone about it, in fact I'm only feeling alone, but you confirm as others have who have mental illness that I'm not alone. Does that make sense? The same way you can feel that you are surrounded by people who know you when in fact they don't, you can feel that you're alone when you're not. Anyway, it's a comforting thought, in as much as I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy. So thank you for opening up.

I'm very happy to hear that you have a friend who can talk to you about these experiences. I can talk to people about it, but they don't get it. At least I have that, right? A lot of people can't talk to anyone about anything.

I too respond very well to the medication, and also feel very grateful for that.

An answer to your question about how people respond when I tell them about my psychosis, the pattern is that the person is typically very open and understanding and compassionate when I explain my episodes. But when I actually have an episode, they inevitably say something like, you explained it perfectly but I had no idea that this is what it was.

If you don't mind my asking, why was your hospitalization experience so terrible?

 

[Abandoned Character]

Say the words "I forgive you," where both ends of the forgiveness are you. I forgive you. I am sorry. I thank you, and I love you