How do I put on a good show until I CTB

[justanotherstar]

Since my decision to CTB I can't look people in the eye. I can't look at people knowing what I know, when family talk about the future or plans for Christmas - I know it's going to be our last one and they don't, I'm trying my best to give everyone one last good Christmas but I feel so guilty. I've worked so hard at recovery and to get better and my mental health team don't really understand why I've suddenly nosedived. I'm trying to tell them I'm okay but I'm not very convincing - my nurse keeps asking me why I can't Look at her and why I've avoided looking at anyone for the past few weeks. I can't look people in the face and lie. I'm lying about my risks and having a plan. I don't need to worry too much about covering my back. Here in the UK, at least in my area, I'm not going to get sectioned and banded off to a psych ward even if I state I have a plan - they are very much of the opinion that you have capacity and can choose to take your life if you wish. I'm of course though still trying to hide all of that from everyone so no one knows. Not helped by my paranoia that if I make eye contact people will be able to read my mind. I don't want to be acting all suspicious. I don't want people to know what I'm planning. I want to spend quality time with people, give them a nice memory of me rather than leaving them thinking that they knew something wasn't quite right and questioning whether they should've or could've done something. Anybody else the same? Any advice on how to get my shit together and put on a good show?

 

[CoalmineCanary]

It's hard to look people in the eye knowing how conflicted my inner thoughts are. I just look away when talking and force myself to glance into people's eyes often and make eye contact to show I'm interested and care. It's just personally I find it difficult look into people's eyes for longer periods.

 

[Gnip]

Easy enough to explain away with an experienced so common that Wayne Dyer even wrote a book about it. You simply have a case of the holiday blues...:

 

[mikenoir]

I hope we can't feel ashamed after we are dead.

 

[Sensei]

Here in the UK, at least in my area, I'm not going to get sectioned and banded off to a psych ward even if I state I have a plan - they are very much of the opinion that you have capacity and can choose to take your life if you wish.

It almost sounds like you want to be sectioned or at least get help. If that's the case, maybe you shouldn't kill yourself just yet.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

i have this problem too. its getting harder every day but in order to be able to ctb, i absolutely have to keep quiet

 

[Mongo]

Suicide

I hope we can't feel ashamed after we are dead.

in many cultures suicide is viewed as an honorable end.
Don't get wrapped up in what other people think about your choices. The day they squeeze into you tighty whiteys and walk a few miles, they can have an opinion.
Live or die for yourself.
It is the only real birthright that we have.

 

[justanotherstar]

It's hard to look people in the eye knowing how conflicted my inner thoughts are. I just look away when talking and force myself to glance into people's eyes often and make eye contact to show I'm interested and care. It's just personally I find it difficult look into people's eyes for longer periods.

Yeah it's tough to look for long periods I certainly find that

It almost sounds like you want to be sectioned or at least get help. If that's the case, maybe you shouldn't kill yourself just yet.

I didn't mean it to come across that way if that's how it reads. In the past I've wanted help and asked for it directly, but I'm beyond help, I've done medication, done therapy, done hospital. There's nothing anyone can do but I guess there is a part of me that raises my eyebrows at how the system works because whilst I'm done and ready to go so many people aren't and get let down. I've lost too many friends in the system I guess it shows