Help How do I get over myself and just go the fuck to therapy?

[whitetaildeer]

(TW for potential internalized ableism? Not sure if my vanity qualifies as that, but tread carefully if that is triggering for you.)

Title. To set the stage: I strongly suspect that I have OCD, and that its symptoms have been greatly accelerated by C-PTSD. The subtypes that give me the most grief are Real Event OCD, Harm OCD (the kind where you simultaneously get intrusive thoughts about lashing out at others and how you "just have to or else", while also feeling responsible for every person's pain ever, and feeling like you "just have to fix it or else"), and False Memory OCD, but I struggle with far more; if I typed them all out here, I'd exhaust myself. I never wanted to accept that I was mentally ill, in fact a week ago I would've gotten very enraged at the idea of ever going to therapy or accepting that I had any disorders beyond C-PTSD, because that'd be admitting I didn't have any control over myself, my feelings, or my own mind, but now I realize I really do need to fucking go to therapy.

I'm currently going through an episode succeeding a traumatic event right now (which has reopened wounds to another traumatic event much like this one, I don't feel comfortable giving details but they both revolve around death/feeling responsible for someone's death), and at this point I just want it to stop. I'm very sick of succumbing to my intrusive thoughts. Worse yet, during this entire episode I have been reveling in them and allowing myself to spiral, giving in to my compulsions each and every time because they feel true and they, in some stupid way I can't possibly comprehend, feel safe and comforting to indulge. It's made me in to a person that I utterly despise. I've hurt the people who used to be closest to me, repeatedly, and I even reconciled with my stalker at one point, fully believing their abusive behaviors and evil actions to be my fault because I "wasn't there for them enough," so really it was all my fault and not theirs, and that I owed them my presence in their life to "fix things". It's fucking insane but that's really what I thought, and it takes every ounce of self-control that I have left to not fall back in to that mindset. I've lost the ability to trust my own mind, and it's entirely because I've been too stubborn and prideful to accept that something is wrong with me, and I need help. I feel utterly rotten for pinning this all on OCD, in fact that's not my intention. All of these mistakes were made because I chose to not be better, both mentally and as a person. That being said, I also don't think I was cognizant enough to fucking realize what the hell I was doing and its consequences until it was too late, and I've been beyond pissed with myself all week over it. Even admitting that makes me feel worse but I know I have to come to terms with the fact I allowed myself to slip this much. I'd honestly rather believe I'm an inherently bad person before I believe that I'm extremely mentally ill, so this is a rather ballsy thing to admit to myself, let alone post on a public forum.

I understand this is a disorder you can't think your way out of (in fact, this is the worst approach to take with OCD), which is what I've been trying to do for the past 4+ years and unknowingly sabotaging my mental health and growth as a person each time I did it. I want to start therapy, and I've spent an embarrassing amount of time looking at two specific therapists, but I just cannot bring myself to reach out to them or book an appointment. I don't know why. The solution is staring me in the face and I just cannot bring myself to do it. It's as if I want to stay this way, that constantly fighting with my own head is a better alterative to...not doing that 24/7, but I know I don't actually want that. I want to be better but I can't make the first step to do it.

Sorry for the rage-induced, borderline insane rambling. I don't know what to think of myself anymore. If anyone has any advice on how to get over this, I'd love to hear from you. Thanks for your time.

 

[throwawaydiscussion]

i know im a new & inactive user so take anything i say with a grain of salt

first, i know its cliche but i am still very sorry to hear you are dealing with all of that trauma and pain.

usually if i feel a block like that its because of the C-PTSD. id classify it as a "freeze" response, if we're getting technical. its a survival skill, but trauma causes our brains to activate those fears at times where it doesnt always make sense. and when youre still in an unsafe environment (and it sounds like you are) it actually DOES make sense to always be in that panicked, traumatized state. thats why you can't just will your way out of it.

actually finding the therapists is great, honestly that's the hardest part for me so props to at least getting through that slog. as for making yourself "just do it", i would try drafting an email first without sending it. that way if you back out again, you can just close the tab and the email will stay there. it takes away part of the process that gives you the chance to rethink it, because now it only takes one click to get the ball rolling. you can always cancel the appointment later if you realize that you still don't feel ready or have a sudden sense of regret after hitting send.

if the email draft idea won't work, my next step would be to consider what feelings or thoughts come up when you're blocked like that?

do you feel guilt? anxiety? hopelessness? or is it emotionless, just like this weird mental-physical blockade? do you only consider reaching out to a therapist when you feel at your lowest, or is it just as hard on the good days? (or the days that feel slightly less bad, if you don't have good days.) do you have to drive or walk to therapy, or can you do it online? does having to get out of the house make it harder or easier? if you know or figure out what makes you feel blocked that might give you more ideas on how to get around that block. if im anxious, i ask why im anxious. am i afraid the therapy will go wrong or just afraid of change? if its a blank blockade, it usually means im connecting the present moment to a traumatizing moment in my past, so my body is shutting down to protect me from the flood,

you clearly have some really heavy trauma, and i do genuinely think getting to talk to someone who is professionally trained would benefit you because i know it benefited me. hell i'd even suggest saving the text of this post and sharing it directly with your therapist when you do get to meet with them, it would be a great head start.

and for whatever its worth coming from a nameless faceless internet stranger, i dont think something is wrong with you for having these experiences or symptoms. i think something wrong was done TO you. but it doesnt make YOU wrong. you deserve to be comfortable in your own life, and i hope if you do go to therapy it helps you get closer to that comfort.

i have OCD too, so i fully get how following the compulsions feels good and safe. im not even gonna tell you to stop doing it. we do compulsions because that's how we cope. and if thats helping you right now, then i say its okay to indulge a little bit. once youre able to take those first steps into therapy you'll have the help you need to replace those compulsions with healthier ways to cope with the stress, and to have that stress reduced.

i hope something in all of that text is helpful for you, even if just to be seen.