How do I feel like my body is mine and I am safe?

[wantingdignity]

I have been toying with similar questions for a while now. Does anyone have any specific things you do to feel safe in your body?

My body has been through a lot in the past couple years: Near death experiences, being used more than once without consent, being in proximity to physical violence and threats, overeating, undereating, self harm, suicidal behavior, a started attempt, being handcuffed, locked away, being hungry, irregular hygiene, sprained ankles, sprained ribs, and very inconsistent exercise.

My body feels like it is a blob. It craves touch, but is terrified of it. It fears being perceived. It feels really heavy and tense. It feels like a foreign object. It feels wrong. It feels off. It feels like it's not prepared for anything I want to do. I want to lock my body away sometimes so no one can touch it. I want to exist out in the real world, but I feel like everyone is staring at me and noticing that I'm wrong somehow. I feel like my body belongs to my ex, who did not respect my consent. I still crave him. I still want to hurt myself. I still wish I could pass away without anyone noticing sometimes.

Im struggling to figure out how to feel better. Women's clothes are so inconsistent and I feel like I look awful in all of them. My hair and skin don't look good either, even with different products. I've gained weight since a work accident earlier this year that definitely gave me PTSD, so my clothes are fitting even worse than usual.


If you can relate, what do you do to feel better about your body? How do you make your body feel like yours again? How do you handle physical symptoms of trauma? How do you recover from suicidality, when your body doesn't trust you to be alone?

Lots of questions, but am interested in any advice, for myself or for anyone else that can relate

 

[bankai]

For starters, be alone. I'm not saying be alone forever. But just be alone for now. This will give you control over your life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, I'm really square so- I would try to avoid putting myself in situations where I might be in danger. It's simpler for me though, because I don't really want sex or relationships.

With regards to health, weight, fitness, hygienne, I'm not the best either but I remind myself that all those things are my responsibility. It's absolutely my fault that I'm overweight and unfit because, my diet is poor and I've been slacking on doing exercise. If I want to feel better, I must put the effort in.

Ultimately, it's as simple as that. I can blame it on comfort eating etc. but ultimately, it's still my choice to prioritise immediate satisfaction rather than accept it will make me feel shit long term so- don't do it- in terms of eating all those biscuits and, do do it- in terms of exercise.

I suppose it's about trying to predict your future self. Will your future self be grateful that you slept with that abusive guy, ate that whole chocolate cake, didn't bother doing the washing up? Life seems so tediously to be about the greater good a lot of the time. (Unfortunately.)

As for the sexual, abusive stuff- I suspect that may need more work to figure out why you are seeking those things and, if needs be, how better to fulfil them without you feeling violated.