How do I convince my brain that I'm going to ctb once and for all?

[Futile]

I keep doing useless things for a future that will never exist. I'm still studying things I don't give a shit about for a degree that I probably won't have, and even if I will get it, it would be only to slave all day every day to come back to an empty home.

I wish I could just pass the days looking at the sun not worrying about anything, pretending this life never existed. Instead I'm just hiding in my hate and childish desire for revenge, I could use it to leave it all behind but I fear my ego will never let me.

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, I manage to turn off my brain and have my mind go blank.
However, reality keeps sucking.

The real enemy here is SI! We must defeat that bastard if we want to be at peace.

 

[Meditation guide]

From what I'm experiencing my SI is only contingent on finding a method I can pull off and a place to do it. It's the technicalities, and difficulty of arranging it. I would have been gone by now if I had the right place. For example it's going to not be too easy to drink SN for me based on my fear of certain aspects, but other methods wouldn't pose any problem. I'm sure under the right conditions I wouldn't have any SI.

The real enemy here is SI! We must defeat that bastard if we want to be at peace.

 

[rabbithole]

Everyday I think I plan on the next being my last. Then I get to the next day and still plan on tomorrow being the day I finally do it. As meditation guide said though, barring some technical issues I think I'd be gone.