Help How do I be okay with being alone?

[cptsdfugue]

Hey guys. You're all suicidal too so I would your advice on this… TLDR if you don't want to read I am isolated because of who I am (Asian trans lesbian/queer and so mentally ill and neurodivergent), and I want to know how people learn to stop giving a shit and to be safe with being alone

All of my college friends are white or partially white and they're all in a housing that preaches acceptance (gender inclusive) and all that yet I was the only one rejected while, apparently the ex girlfriend of one of the members (who is white, the girlfriend is white too), got accepted not even because she's queer but as a "favor." Apparently it's better to let some random girlfriend who's never attended any events and isn't even queer in than someone who's non binary… and I feel like I got rejected unconsciously cause I'm Asian, even if one of the members who decided if I was let in or not is Colombian. The majority of the house is all white and there's one or two Latino people and one Asian. And I can't help but feel like I was rejected unconsciously for that. Anyways that aside my friends have also all been in the house for about a week now and when I was invited over they were all already so connected in a way that I couldn't comprehend. And I am just sick of it all and I feel like those people were the only ones who could understand me, that house was a one way ticket to getting new friends, but now I feel so isolated especially with the fact that I'm Asian and have all of these factors that they don't… I just want friends like me. But unfortunately the majority of my campus is white and my Asian friend even suggested I transfer. It feels hopeless

The thing is I enjoy my classes and the art campus and what I do there, but I'm terrified that this will continue for the three more years I'm here at college. So I want to ask you guys how you have found solace in being alone. I'm learning that people are exhausting and will leave me and I am quite alone because of my identity and I want to be okay in that. That I will be like this but I will be comfy. And I don't know how to do it and I want help feeling comfortable. I want to stay here but I just don't want this to be a deal breaker. And I think with those friends they've moved on which sucks because I thought that house would accept me but they are simply unaccepting of someone like me.

Point is I'm sick of being sick and I just want help not feeling like shit in my own skin.

To start with this I *do* have online friends, I like playing video games and drawing, but I don't know how to make it my primal focus. I want to.

 

[FluffIsJustice]

For me personally, it took me years to get comfortable with being alone. Nowadays I honestly prefer it as it means I can just do whatever I want to do and I dont have to constantly be mindful of others and adjust myself and my behavior for others' comfort. I really like the flow state, where everything else just disappears and for me reading in particular has become a primal focus over the years. Its been a gradual process of relying on books, and nowadays I usually funnily feel more alone when I actually am with people. Some things that have also helped: listening to music, talking with myself and timeconsuming hobbies.

Its difficult to explain the exact process since its been quite a few years (I went through the change when I was stilll a child) and I dont remember all the details anymore. It does not mean that I never feel lonely at all, but I have a low need for social interaction in comparison to everyone I know.

 

[x9x99988]

The reality for me is - I have found the things that keep me going such as being on my computer and all, so I have my copes. Though it gets lonely but I can't get sad about it. I just don't care because I can't bring myself to.

 

[iguazo falls]

Hey guys. You're all suicidal too so I would your advice on this… TLDR if you don't want to read I am isolated because of who I am (Asian trans lesbian/queer and so mentally ill and neurodivergent), and I want to know how people learn to stop giving a shit and to be safe with being alone

All of my college friends are white or partially white and they're all in a housing that preaches acceptance (gender inclusive) and all that yet I was the only one rejected while, apparently the ex girlfriend of one of the members (who is white, the girlfriend is white too), got accepted not even because she's queer but as a "favor." Apparently it's better to let some random girlfriend who's never attended any events and isn't even queer in than someone who's non binary… and I feel like I got rejected unconsciously cause I'm Asian, even if one of the members who decided if I was let in or not is Colombian. The majority of the house is all white and there's one or two Latino people and one Asian. And I can't help but feel like I was rejected unconsciously for that. Anyways that aside my friends have also all been in the house for about a week now and when I was invited over they were all already so connected in a way that I couldn't comprehend. And I am just sick of it all and I feel like those people were the only ones who could understand me, that house was a one way ticket to getting new friends, but now I feel so isolated especially with the fact that I'm Asian and have all of these factors that they don't… I just want friends like me. But unfortunately the majority of my campus is white and my Asian friend even suggested I transfer. It feels hopeless

The thing is I enjoy my classes and the art campus and what I do there, but I'm terrified that this will continue for the three more years I'm here at college. So I want to ask you guys how you have found solace in being alone. I'm learning that people are exhausting and will leave me and I am quite alone because of my identity and I want to be okay in that. That I will be like this but I will be comfy. And I don't know how to do it and I want help feeling comfortable. I want to stay here but I just don't want this to be a deal breaker. And I think with those friends they've moved on which sucks because I thought that house would accept me but they are simply unaccepting of someone like me.

Point is I'm sick of being sick and I just want help not feeling like shit in my own skin.

To start with this I *do* have online friends, I like playing video games and drawing, but I don't know how to make it my primal focus. I want to.

hey first off im sorry you have to deal with being rejected, thats shit and it hurts alot when its from people who claim to be accepting or people who should be vouching for you. and with housing too its stressful enough being on your own and having to sort thru where is safe and accepting, esp when ive seen a a few housemate seeking posts online using the term "femmes only" or other queer/inclusive signalling and really only mean cis women who are carbon copies of them which sucks. and i am also sorry you are dealing with discrimination against asian people.

ive moved and feel pretty alone too, i am lucky that i have one friend tho whom i met by responding to his post on a fb group for people of my demographic. perhaps it would be easier to form 1:1 connections rather than groups? i find i often find my friends post-school by being the only other lonely queer person whether it be on online apps or irl. i can't say it doesn't hurt to feel excluded from most groups, but yeah i think finding 1:1 friends by dating apps (just specify you're looking for friends and use the demographic filters to your advantage, only talk to 1-2 people at a time) might be an ok idea. or looking at fb groups too, you may get lucky and find someone on your wavelength by reaching out to a social seeking post.

for being alone, i like going on walks or taking myself out on dates. i've learnt to value good interactions with strangers and talking to people who are more cishet and having positive relationships with them; not out of wanting to change myself nor any hatred of openly queer people; but i think not having the expectations of performance and demographic that other queer spaces have is a bit more freeing. i like being outside and feeling apart of the environment even if i dont chat to someone. idk how i'd do now since i look a lot different (less approachable i suppose), and i understand safety concerns, but i used to go out alone and end up chatting to strangers and having a nice time and i'd never have to chat to them after that again.

perhaps also if your online friends are close enough, you could meet up with them? though i know often how far away people tend to be.

 

[sobeit0]

For most people it is not possible to be happy alone in the way that you are not truly close to anyone. If you give a shit you are probably the same. You can trick yourself into being okay with it by having parasocial relationships or shallow friendships, but a part of you will still have that yearning for something deeper and more intimate. You can become numb to it, but it takes a long time. And even then it might just be something that eventually becomes too hard to ignore.

I'm not saying this to make you feel sad, but if you give up on what you want socially and just push through I think it will make you way more depressed and regretful in the long term. I want to believe something can work out for you in college if you keep looking--maybe clubs? But if you are continuously finding your hands empty then there are other things to try. You said you don't want to transfer--that's okay. You have friends online that it might be worth to spend more time with, but there's also apps and websites to find groups to meet up with too. I found a queer board game group in my area before through one of them. I've also heard a lot of queer people find success in DnD groups. You might have to face a lot of pain and rejection to get what you want, but I think if you try it will be worth it. I don't think you have to be okay with it and force your head down while other people experience what you want. You are allowed that happiness too.

 

[cptsdfugue]

hey first off im sorry you have to deal with being rejected, thats shit and it hurts alot when its from people who claim to be accepting or people who should be vouching for you. and with housing too its stressful enough being on your own and having to sort thru where is safe and accepting, esp when ive seen a a few housemate seeking posts online using the term "femmes only" or other queer/inclusive signalling and really only mean cis women who are carbon copies of them which sucks. and i am also sorry you are dealing with discrimination against asian people.

ive moved and feel pretty alone too, i am lucky that i have one friend tho whom i met by responding to his post on a fb group for people of my demographic. perhaps it would be easier to form 1:1 connections rather than groups? i find i often find my friends post-school by being the only other lonely queer person whether it be on online apps or irl. i can't say it doesn't hurt to feel excluded from most groups, but yeah i think finding 1:1 friends by dating apps (just specify you're looking for friends and use the demographic filters to your advantage, only talk to 1-2 people at a time) might be an ok idea. or looking at fb groups too, you may get lucky and find someone on your wavelength by reaching out to a social seeking post.

for being alone, i like going on walks or taking myself out on dates. i've learnt to value good interactions with strangers and talking to people who are more cishet and having positive relationships with them; not out of wanting to change myself nor any hatred of openly queer people; but i think not having the expectations of performance and demographic that other queer spaces have is a bit more freeing. i like being outside and feeling apart of the environment even if i dont chat to someone. idk how i'd do now since i look a lot different (less approachable i suppose), and i understand safety concerns, but i used to go out alone and end up chatting to strangers and having a nice time and i'd never have to chat to them after that again.

perhaps also if your online friends are close enough, you could meet up with them? though i know often how far away people tend to be.

Thank you… I wish my online friends were closer, they're all continents apart, I do have one I met recently though for the first time it was enjoyable :)

I just hate how I'm not even treated like a human being, how I'm disregarded and treated both like I'm not a person of color (by people who claim to be POC's) and like one at the same time (by White people), and that too with me being transmasc… it's like I don't exist!

I do agree maybe I should focus on one to one interactions. It's just tough because I'm hung on this group that promised me they'd stay, and I really don't want to see what I've worked for leave again but… can I really prevent it? I met some cool people but they're all planning to move into the gender inclusive housing too :( so I'm kind of sad about that, I want to depart from my friends (ugh just saying that leaves a sour taste in my mouth) but at the same time everyone seems to be linked to them

For most people it is not possible to be happy alone in the way that you are not truly close to anyone. If you give a shit you are probably the same. You can trick yourself into being okay with it by having parasocial relationships or shallow friendships, but a part of you will still have that yearning for something deeper and more intimate. You can become numb to it, but it takes a long time. And even then it might just be something that eventually becomes too hard to ignore.

I'm not saying this to make you feel sad, but if you give up on what you want socially and just push through I think it will make you way more depressed and regretful in the long term. I want to believe something can work out for you in college if you keep looking--maybe clubs? But if you are continuously finding your hands empty then there are other things to try. You said you don't want to transfer--that's okay. You have friends online that it might be worth to spend more time with, but there's also apps and websites to find groups to meet up with too. I found a queer board game group in my area before through one of them. I've also heard a lot of queer people find success in DnD groups. You might have to face a lot of pain and rejection to get what you want, but I think if you try it will be worth it. I don't think you have to be okay with it and force your head down while other people experience what you want. You are allowed that happiness too.

As far as the DND group goes, they seem nice but I'm not that into it, maybe I guess I could try pushing harder with clubs…? Lack of motivation makes everything hard, and it's hard to think that I will be stuck here until I move on, I want to have that happiness too! I think for now I'll focus on video games and also trying my best for clubs… the clubs advice is generic but I suppose it could work if I push harder enough?