Help how do i be less needy?

[meowpuppy]

i'm really, really needy, just, in general. i need a lot, a lot of love, a lot of attention, a lot of care.. it's going to be literal hell if anybody is in my circle for more than like three days, because i'd just be too much for them, i think

its not even my fault but it's also not their fault for not wanting to deal with my bs, and that leaves me in a state where i need love to fulfill my lack of love, and to get love, i need friends, and to get people to not be exhausted after talking to me for a few hours i need to not be so needy.. talk about a vicious cycle.

does, does anybody know what to do?

 

[discardedshards]

i think we all need attention and care but it certainly does get to a point where needing too much may end up harming yourself or others--from what i do understand the people you're surrounding with don't give you that which leads you to feeling the way you do. . in this case i'd try looking for other friends that are willing to match your energy, give you the care/attention you deserve, and take the time to appreciate you as they might alleviate this feeling <3 try working on your self concept and esteem so that you feel less dependent n start feeling better about not needing external validation from others--hopefully these words help n i'm more than willing to be a friend to you if you need! much love :D

 

[meowpuppy]

i think we all need attention and care but it certainly does get to a point where needing too much may end up harming yourself or others--from what i do understand the people you're surrounding with don't give you that which leads you to feeling the way you do. . in this case i'd try looking for other friends that are willing to match your energy, give you the care/attention you deserve, and take the time to appreciate you as they might alleviate this feeling <3 try working on your self concept and esteem so that you feel less dependent n start feeling better about not needing external validation from others--hopefully these words help n i'm more than willing to be a friend to you if you need! much love :D

yeah, that's the thing bestie, there are no people surrounding me.. it's just what happens any time i interact with a person to even a mild degree and as i've explained in other threads finding friends will be hard for me. i'm also not looking for love for external validation, but because.. being loved is nice.

 

[kittygolem]

It may sound a bit counter-intuitive, but I've found it's best to divide my resources and designate certain people depending on what I want. I love attention, I love drama, and I love intimacy. My method is to designate those in my real and personal life to my "fun and carefree" personality that I can showcase on the outside. When I need attention or drama, I have people who serve as "temporary" and fulfill those needs. Cruel, maybe, but it's how I handle this, and at very least doesn't cause my entire world to explode every few months. This forum is a new-found outlet for me. I can vent here, talk about suicide, or whatever, and there's not effect on my personal life.

Of course, as I said, this is really unhealthy. You'd be best off finding reasons to love your own company. I know that's literally the hardest thing ever to do, but sadly that's the healthy option. No solution has to make you 100% happy and content right away, or stop your neediness, every "solution" is really just one part of the bigger whole. The stage that I'm on is learning not to de-value the time I spend with myself. Am I playing a game of Deadlock? Well, that's what I've chosen to do with my time, and I'm having fun doing it. Seeing value in your own interests, even without changing your interests, can make a world of difference.

I hope this helps <3

 

[witchcraft]

I follow certain ASMR content.

As another person said, thankfully this forum has also been a nice outlet, but now and again I have to step away from it because I feel like I'm being too needy. Now is one of those times actually. Probably will disappear for a while.

The most difficult thing is trying to speak to myself better and enjoy my own company more. If I can sit with myself for 30 seconds and not hate myself or start ragging on myself in my mind, that's a success.

I also enjoy Deadlock. But don't expect to find love and attention on there. Easily one of the most toxic communities in gaming today. Deadlock and video games in general are more of a distraction for me. I stream and have a few online friends. I stay in touch with a couple real-life friends still, and that's about it. I want to put more effort into enjoying my alone time and doing things with more intention for myself, by myself, but it's hard because I find small-group interaction or anonymous interaction online to be a really great distraction from life.

It's normal, human to want some attention, love, care, validation. But it takes time to figure out how much is too much I think, and where I need to understand others' boundaries, define my own boundaries, and have a better relationship with myself internally.

 

[meowpuppy]

It may sound a bit counter-intuitive, but I've found it's best to divide my resources and designate certain people depending on what I want. I love attention, I love drama, and I love intimacy. My method is to designate those in my real and personal life to my "fun and carefree" personality that I can showcase on the outside. When I need attention or drama, I have people who serve as "temporary" and fulfill those needs. Cruel, maybe, but it's how I handle this, and at very least doesn't cause my entire world to explode every few months. This forum is a new-found outlet for me. I can vent here, talk about suicide, or whatever, and there's not effect on my personal life.

Of course, as I said, this is really unhealthy. You'd be best off finding reasons to love your own company. I know that's literally the hardest thing ever to do, but sadly that's the healthy option. No solution has to make you 100% happy and content right away, or stop your neediness, every "solution" is really just one part of the bigger whole. The stage that I'm on is learning not to de-value the time I spend with myself. Am I playing a game of Deadlock? Well, that's what I've chosen to do with my time, and I'm having fun doing it. Seeing value in your own interests, even without changing your interests, can make a world of difference.

I hope this helps <3

yeah thanks so much

i'd feel really guilty about trying to subdivide the personality traits of my friends, but i don't think it'd be unhealthy per se (i have no idea what sort of behavior is supposed to even be unhealthy these days)

im actually maybe at a somewhat opposite level? i think i spend too much time with myself, and therefore i don't know how to, well, adhere to social norms

The most difficult thing is trying to speak to myself better and enjoy my own company more. If I can sit with myself for 30 seconds and not hate myself or start ragging on myself in my mind, that's a success.

as i said, i feel like i'm literally the exact opposite of you all! i don't know how to deal with that!

 

[witchcraft]

as i said, i feel like i'm literally the exact opposite of you all! i don't know how to deal with that!

It's hard to say for certain; I don't know you personally, and it's not a competition. I also probably made it sound easier than it actually is by accident.

As someone who abused alcohol a lot and is still addicted to nicotine, a NEET for the past three years and counting, who struggles greatly with my own emotional regulation, slipped through the cracks and only had friends thanks to the mercy of the rare good individual I met through school or online, I wouldn't say I have anything figured out.

I've found that even if I do have a kind of uneasy ceasefire / peace with myself, it doesn't change my life all that much or any of the multitude of things I hate about the world and society. Positive self-talk or self-care has hardly been the panacea it's often made out to be, in my experience. Liking myself or believing in myself doesn't make a potential employer hire me. It didn't bring all the girls to the yard. It didn't make me more popular. It didn't solve not having my needs met. It doesn't make me a famous writer or YouTuber. It doesn't make me rich. I digress.

 

[meowpuppy]

It's hard to say for certain; I don't know you personally, and it's not a competition. I also probably made it sound easier than it actually is by accident.

As someone who abused alcohol a lot and is still addicted to nicotine, a NEET for the past three years and counting, who struggles greatly with my own emotional regulation, slipped through the cracks and only had friends thanks to the mercy of the rare good individual I met through school or online, I wouldn't say I have anything figured out.

I've found that even if I do have a kind of uneasy ceasefire / peace with myself, it doesn't change my life all that much or any of the multitude of things I hate about the world and society. Positive self-talk or self-care has hardly been the panacea it's often made out to be, in my experience.

it's just, you all seem to hate your companies, but i love my company. i'm a pretty good person, all things considered.

 

[witchcraft]

it's just, you all seem to hate your companies, but i love my company. i'm a pretty good person, all things considered.

Ah, I see. I misunderstood your post, that's my mistake!

I would suggest it *may* be a matter of finding people who match your energy. No man is an island, as the saying goes. Loving your own company is good, but too often I see it paraded around as a complete and total replacement for connections with other people. Unfortunately I am not aware of a step-by-step guide to finding the right people, other than the painfully obvious fact that you probably won't find them if you don't make some small attempt at putting yourself out there.

If you haven't already, maybe you could also define what you're looking for in relationships / a community and go from there.

 

[kittygolem]

yeah thanks so much

i'd feel really guilty about trying to subdivide the personality traits of my friends, but i don't think it'd be unhealthy per se (i have no idea what sort of behavior is supposed to even be unhealthy these days)

im actually maybe at a somewhat opposite level? i think i spend too much time with myself, and therefore i don't know how to, well, adhere to social norms



as i said, i feel like i'm literally the exact opposite of you all! i don't know how to deal with that!

My intention here is not to tell you how to function or invalidate your lived experience, or seemingly lack-there-of. I do want to point out, though, that "social norms" are mostly fake, with the exception of "normie society", which makes up for less of the population than you'd think. Anyone can find their crowd, and anyone can fit in with at least a small subset of people. I've been seeing you on here while lurking before I made an account, and I'd say you fit these "social norms" just fine. Will everyone like you? No. But nobody is liked by everyone.

I get what you mean in spending too much time with yourself, though. In the past, I've fallen victim to the mindset that "socializing" is an all-or-nothing activity, and I'm either the life of the party, or a "loser" who sits on my computer all day. It may be worth your time to find a few people you're interested in talking to, and making a mental note that you're one-half of the equation here, and interpersonal relationships can go at your own pace, at whatever frequency you work at.

Again, not trying to tell you what to do or anything, just saying things from my own life that capital-M Might be helpful in your situation.

 

[meowpuppy]

My intention here is not to tell you how to function or invalidate your lived experience, or seemingly lack-there-of. I do want to point out, though, that "social norms" are mostly fake, with the exception of "normie society", which makes up for less of the population than you'd think. Anyone can find their crowd, and anyone can fit in with at least a small subset of people. I've been seeing you on here while lurking before I made an account, and I'd say you fit these "social norms" just fine. Will everyone like you? No. But nobody is liked by everyone.

I get what you mean in spending too much time with yourself, though. In the past, I've fallen victim of the mindset that "socializing" is an all-or-nothing activity, and I'm either the life of the party, or a "loser" who sits on my computer all day. It may be worth your time to find a few people you're interested in talking to, and making a mental note that you're one-half of the equation here, and interpersonal relationships can go at your own pace, at whatever frequency you work at.

Again, not trying to tell you what to do or anything, just saying things from my own life that capital-M Might be helpful in your situation.

yeah unfortunately you're pretty wrong i really don't, i say this with experience. i'm actually trying pretty hard even now just to fit in. i also don't think social norms are fake, because of, well, that's the thing, nobody wants to listen to me explain my thoughts, that's the social norm right now. i'd be too much, too needy, too overbearing if i talked about these things that nobody cares about


i think that one-half thing is like, exactly the problem?? i always want to be more than one half. i'm always so chatty to my friends n stuff and it gets to a point

and it's not really the pace i'm worried about, more so the character. thanks for your advice, though.

 

[kittygolem]

yeah unfortunately you're pretty wrong i really don't, i say this with experience. i'm actually trying pretty hard even now just to fit in. i also don't think social norms are fake, because of, well, that's the thing, nobody wants to listen to me explain my thoughts, that's the social norm right now. i'd be too much, too needy, too overbearing if i talked about these things that nobody cares about


i think that one-half thing is like, exactly the problem?? i always want to be more than one half. i'm always so chatty to my friends n stuff and it gets to a point

and it's not really the pace i'm worried about, more so the character. thanks for your advice, though.

I wish you the best in finding people who match your vibe and energy, and what you want out of a connection. They do exist, and I'm sorry you haven't found each other yet.

 

[witchcraft]

yeah unfortunately you're pretty wrong i really don't, i say this with experience. i'm actually trying pretty hard even now just to fit in. i also don't think social norms are fake, because of, well, that's the thing, nobody wants to listen to me explain my thoughts, that's the social norm right now. i'd be too much, too needy, too overbearing if i talked about these things that nobody cares about


i think that one-half thing is like, exactly the problem?? i always want to be more than one half. i'm always so chatty to my friends n stuff and it gets to a point

and it's not really the pace i'm worried about, more so the character. thanks for your advice, though.

Just a thought: have you considered using content creation as a kind of outlet for talking about the things that "nobody" cares about? I've found that, if one can temper their own expectations, you can just put your content out into the internet void of a social media platform where there's no captive audience. 99% of the time when somebody isn't interested in what you're talking about, they just won't click on your video or they'll move on to something else without leaving a comment. But it's a numbers game so eventually someone will comment. This isn't a substitute for finding an irl best friend or something, mind you, just a cope.

Where does the belief "nobody else cares about" come from? Your past personal experiences I'm guessing? Because I think I can relate... I even have a small community Discord and half the time nobody responds to the shit I put in there lol. Every friend group I've ever been in, I've been the odd one out. Other people get to talk about their things however much and whenever they want, and I listen to them and engage with them in their interests, asking questions even if I'm not as into it as they are. But as soon as I simply try to do the same thing I am ignored. I even make an effort to be small, ask for very little, and yet the world / other people around me have often cast me aside throughout my life.

When I was very young I could be too much, I could be extra, definitely. But by high school and especially after high school I was way better with all of that. Yet I was always the odd one out and not given the same consideration that I gave to others. It was very confusing; I even feel that way when I've just wanted to talk about more mainstream interests, not niche / esoteric stuff. I have met only a few people who can match my energy, and I match theirs, and so there's virtually no friction. Maybe 1 out of 100 people I genuinely get along with, even though more than 1-100 people evidently like me because I listen to them and meet their needs. Just lots of very one-sided feeling relationships.