Discussion How did you felt while being raped/molested?

[c.c]

(I don't think this thread will get much attention)

Just as the title says..victims of such horror..how did it felt while being raped/molested and how did YOU FEEL during the aftermath of it and still do..???

we all know what ptsd is like and it's symptoms and stuff and imagine the horror the victim must have suffered and still lives in..
And most of the times victim are just asked about how it happened and the details about what perpetrator did to them? But not much about how the victim felt and still feels...i know a lot of us never got the chance to say our feelings in DETAIL just brushed off with "i have ptsd" or just break down while speaking and i know everybody's story is different and so are there feelings...

So, i want to know how did yall felt during? After it? And still do?
Not the story but rather your feelings in depth..

 

[eattwinkiesseejesus]

Have you been raped and assaulted? How did it feel for you?

 

[Pale_Rider]

It was pretty bad, and life altering. Thats for sure.

 

[c.c]

Have you been raped and assaulted? How did it feel for you?

Well, the 1st time i just didn't comprehended what had happend at all(i was yet to turn 7) and felt dirty and wanted to cover my back cuz that's where he had griped me hard and felt gross seeing romantic kiss scenes in movies and saw nightmares..started bedwetting( it end when i was 12 or 13) and the second time(17) i knew what was happening and since it lasted for 2 months..in those days i would get only 4 hr out 24 to cry and could just never even lay down and would need music to sleep for not more than 2 hr, when i got to cry(in those 4hr) i would only cry about how much i miss everyone in my life..i would cry uncontrollably while missing my parents, my bf and all of my friends even though all of them were right in front of me...and i always had a HEADACHE like really bad headache, i don't remember any time without that headache, i could bear standing near any guy, would get panic attacks and always had to use a blade because i was scared of collapsing near any male, my nightmares got more frequent and more close to reality and towards the end of those months i could even fake a smile i would always have to use my fingers to strech my lips into a smile. Stoped eating,felt i was just a sex toy and destined to be raped. Reminded myself that i don't deserve love and if my bf cheats then i should just remember my place and be glad that he is still dating me..couldn't bear being near my friends because pretending was hard, couldn't wake up from bed to go to school cuz i was severely sleep deprived and tired of everything and felt that if i die now i would be atleast unsoiled and did my 1st attempt( my molester was on his way to meet(rape)me)
And that partially escaping him i found out i could no longer study beacuse it happend on my study desk when my books were near and if i removed my headphones i would hear him, insomina hit hard i don't sleep till 4:30 cuz my night molestation use to end at that time and now also too aviod nightmare, never felt safe in my own house, my house became a nightmare and i feel guilty feeling that way cuz my parents love this house, if i don't get a text from my bf for a single day i have anxiety attack cuz i lose all my sense of security(have talked abt in my previous thread) and star rushing ctb planning, i would cut my self till i felt the physical pain(usually 9-12cuts) so that i could study for a bit, fucked my exams..deperession hit hard, lost myself..everything that i once was and how i use to feel...now i am just confused ..some days i see a pretty person and think"ohh i should take care of my skin too" and the next sec i hear him sexualising me..started hallucinating and now i just want to die physically..after losing my potential to become something, my ability to love,trust or feeling anything expect some nights of extreme pain...and reminder that i am gonna meet him soon..

 

[Cauliflour]

If I sound like I'm not taking this seriously then I greatly apologise. I'm terrible at tones and I assume my writing/speaking style comes off as disrespectful but I swear I don't mean it, I'm just shit at putting my thoughts into words for others to understand, especially anything to do with sex.

---

Never happened to me at all but I assume it's like the pain of fucking up while trying to fuck yourself with something you really shouldn't be shoving up there/shoving into. Those parts are really really sensitive so every little thing can be felt and combine that with physical force, emotional shit going all over the place and yeah, safe to say it does not sound pleasant at all.

It's hard to make an educated guess as there's many situations where sexual assault of this kind can take place, but I assume you mean what people first think of: a woman being forced physically by a man and she's fully conscious.

First there's the emotional part. You would be feeling very distressed due to the situation, terrified that you were going to essentially be tortured (and maybe a fear of side effects such as STDs), violated for obvious reasons, angry due to said violation and potentially even more depending on the person and if they had any prior problems/experiences relating to the topic.

Next is the physical pain. The vagina naturally makes this lubrication stuff when it's horny (I think it's also called cum but nobody really talks about this kind of stuff so idk) but if you're not aroused then there's no liquid to make it buttery smooth up there so not only would you feel it much more, but it'll sort of be like trying to shove your fingers in your throat when your throat is completely devoid of saliva. Again, this is just an educated guess, I may be completely wrong here, but the inside of the mouth kinds feels like the inside of a vagina just less sensitive. Coming from someone who uhhhhh...knows how uncomfortable and painful that can be from my own stupid actions when I was younger (it also opens up when aroused aswell, forgot to mention that, so it'll be all tight), I imagine it'll be like that but worse because you have no control. In this hypothetical, the woman is being forced, probably being held down by a man who's much stronger and heavier so there's all that weight and the distribution would be mostly on the wrists I imagine, or the ankles. A lot of stress on quite bony parts of the body is gonna hurt, especially if you're trying to break free. Also if they're being rough then there's also pain from actual organ damage which is a whole other thing that I don't want to spend too long thinking about because I'm too much of a pussy to detail what I think the feeling of a vagina with cuts and bruises would feel (probably hell and like gums but even more stinging). I don't know about how it would feel if the roles were reversed as I don't have a cock but I suspect it's a similar story as the bits aren't that different biologically.

Another factor that could be included is if the body decides to fuck you over during this so not only would you be extremely uncomfortable due to well...that, you also now have to deal with that disconnect where mother nature's going "yes" but you're brain is going "no no no no". I don't know if that happens. I assume it happens because sometimes mother nature just does that. Either way, does not sound fun at all.

However, there's one last thing I think I should mention. The kind where you're drunk as hell and you wake up with no memory in someone's bed. I think you can imagine the sheer horror.

Anyway this is my educated guess as I doubt many people are gonna come forward and tell their story as it either unlocks a traumatic flashback, they werer drugged or the brain did some self preservation thing and tried to forget about it as much as possible. I assume if you want to get an idea on what it would feel like (I don't know why you would want to physically), just really fuck up trying to masturbate when you're not horny at all and times that feeling by 7.

 

[lann.371]

It happened twice from my cousin when I was around six. The second time though were were camping. There was a certain bed in the camper I loved but he wanted to sleep in it. oh also he was probably 16 at the time. We decided to share the bed since we both were to stubborn to give It up. I was on the side closer to the wall. While he was on the side closer to the floor. I remember waking up in the morning to him touching me all inappropriately up and down my body. Im Sur he knew I was awake but at the time I didn't know better I was just scared. I let it happen while not doing anything. He started fingering me too. It happened one time before that but I can't remember it as well. I swear I blocked this out. Ive always seen stuff about SA and rape and I was like "Im so lucky to never have that happen" But then one day It just randomly came back a few months ago after seeing a video about it. The worst part is in between that time and now we became good buddies. He lives in Florida so I don't see him often but I always loved my cousin. But now that this came back I don't know what to do. It's always in the back of my mind. And he just visited a few weeks ago. But it's also always forgotten. I hate the fact I forgot it all though because I coulda stopped my self to become better friends and close to him but at the same time it was just my brain trying to forget it I guess. The question that's always in my mind when it comes to this is if he even remembers or thinks about it. He hasn't done it since the two times but what if he did to someone else.

 

[c.c]

It happened twice from my cousin when I was around six. The second time though were were camping. There was a certain bed in the camper I loved but he wanted to sleep in it. oh also he was probably 16 at the time. We decided to share the bed since we both were to stubborn to give It up. I was on the side closer to the wall. While he was on the side closer to the floor. I remember waking up in the morning to him touching me all inappropriately up and down my body. Im Sur he knew I was awake but at the time I didn't know better I was just scared. I let it happen while not doing anything. He started fingering me too. It happened one time before that but I can't remember it as well. I swear I blocked this out. Ive always seen stuff about SA and rape and I was like "Im so lucky to never have that happen" But then one day It just randomly came back a few months ago after seeing a video about it. The worst part is in between that time and now we became good buddies. He lives in Florida so I don't see him often but I always loved my cousin. But now that this came back I don't know what to do. It's always in the back of my mind. And he just visited a few weeks ago. But it's also always forgotten. I hate the fact I forgot it all though because I coulda stopped my self to become better friends and close to him but at the same time it was just my brain trying to forget it I guess. The question that's always in my mind when it comes to this is if he even remembers or thinks about it. He hasn't done it since the two times but what if he did to someone else.

I am so sorry to hear that's terrible..buti think he might remember as what i have heard men start masturbating at early age and fully understand what they are doing and do in fact remember who and what they did with someone especially sexual stuff expect when they do stuff like this to many people on a regular basis and things done as a preparator at any age are embeded in their memory...i think you should cut all contacts with him and block him and if you need closure you could try bring up topic of csa by a minor preparator and i think his reaction might tell you if he remembers or not but regardless for your safety block him..i might understand how you feel about being close to him as when i was 13-16 i was close with my cousin too(2nd molester) at 13 when i use to stay at his house he would hold my hand while watching anime or movie, always follow me around even once kissed my forehead( i felt it was weird but thaught that i am a child to him( he was 26 at the time) and thaught it was normal for grown ups to show affection like that?) He kept grooming me and gaining my trust and i let him get close to me until i started getting molested and he confessed to grooming and his thoughts about raping me at 13 and how he regrets not grooming me when i was 2 ...

 

[Dyingoportunity]

TDLR:

I was scared, confused, and angry because some this conventionally attractive guy my friends knew came right out of nowhere to grope and touch me for weeks on end, dry hump me in a full classroom where nobody did a damn thing to get him off me, find out where I lived somehow, r*pe me while my family was asleep, and move out of town sometime later. Me, my friends, and him were all 11-14 when this happened. Happened over the course of a year. Too scared to say or do anything because 'he'd never do something like that' and I didn't want to retraumatize myself. I repressed it for years until i Ran into him again a few weeks before I started college. he has NOT forgotten about me. Cue public flashback and mental breakdown weeks after that. I'm still desperate to move on but my stupid brain keeps repeating what happened even though he's thousands of miles away from me now. if he can't understand that women / AFABs are human beings and not toys, He can shove a cactus where the sun don't shine.

You are incredibly brave for being so open to us on SaSu about this. I really don't recommend anyone doing what I did.

 

[wantingdignity]

I feel strange, because mine wasn't fully a rape, but it was not consensual, I did not want it, and it really fucked me up. My boyfriend and I were having sex. I had been very clear about wanting to use a condom. When I'm blindfolded and handcuffed, he decides to fuck me without a condom. He knew that's something that I was extremely against, and he willingly let me get into a position of full trust in order for him to do it. He was also calling me a bitch and slapping me, which at the time felt like he was just leaning into a role. I felt extremely violated. It was a huge betrayal of my trust. It was also really confusing because it felt good in the moment, but I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin afterwards. I was lied to and betrayed for a few moments of fun and power for him. I hated taking plan b and how it made my body feel. I hate that it started as consensual and fun, but he just decided to take advantage and do something that he knows I would say no to. It's a year later, and I still feel very fucked up, especially since he dumped for being suicidal after losing several coworkers in an accident. What he did messed up my relationship with my body, my sense of trust, our relationship, my confidence, my sense of ownership of my body, and put me in a really dark spot for a while. There were plenty of times when he would push for me to have sex when I wasn't in the mood, or to "just put it in" for a little while before putting the condom on. There was also a time that he punched holes in the wall because he was angry that I wasn't in the mood to be touched at 8 in the morning when I was already running late.

I also had someone inappropriately touch me in high school. It was non consensual. I did not want it. It was confusing for my hormonal body to still respond to it. I was ultra religious at the time and blamed myself for "tempting" this teenage boy (I literally just wore short sleeves with my church's logo on them). I started self harming shortly after that.

My body doesn't feel like my own. I've been around a lot of violence lately, and I really just want to feel safe and loved. I hate that I still crave my ex. It's so confusing. I feel repulsed by him, but also love him and want him. It wasn't rape, but it was not consensual at all. He tricked me into doing something I was not okay with and enjoyed it. I could feel him enjoying it. It really fucked me up.

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

I matured before my time, lost my innocence at an early age, and had to become a woman before my time, unable to enjoy life. I depend on my elderly parents; my father was disabled by a stroke, and my mother can't care for me. I can't care for myself either. I do the best I can. The demands of others led me to destruction

 

[Dyingoportunity]

I feel strange, because mine wasn't fully a rape, but it was not consensual, I did not want it, and it really fucked me up. My boyfriend and I were having sex. I had been very clear about wanting to use a condom. When I'm blindfolded and handcuffed, he decides to fuck me without a condom. He knew that's something that I was extremely against, and he willingly let me get into a position of full trust in order for him to do it. He was also calling me a bitch and slapping me, which at the time felt like he was just leaning into a role. I felt extremely violated. It was a huge betrayal of my trust. It was also really confusing because it felt good in the moment, but I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my skin afterwards. I was lied to and betrayed for a few moments of fun and power for him. I hated taking plan b and how it made my body feel. I hate that it started as consensual and fun, but he just decided to take advantage and do something that he knows I would say no to. It's a year later, and I still feel very fucked up, especially since he dumped for being suicidal after losing several coworkers in an accident. What he did messed up my relationship with my body, my sense of trust, our relationship, my confidence, my sense of ownership of my body, and put me in a really dark spot for a while. There were plenty of times when he would push for me to have sex when I wasn't in the mood, or to "just put it in" for a little while before putting the condom on. There was also a time that he punched holes in the wall because he was angry that I wasn't in the mood to be touched at 8 in the morning when I was already running late.

I also had someone inappropriately touch me in high school. It was non consensual. I did not want it. It was confusing for my hormonal body to still respond to it. I was ultra religious at the time and blamed myself for "tempting" this teenage boy (I literally just wore short sleeves with my church's logo on them). I started self harming shortly after that.

My body doesn't feel like my own. I've been around a lot of violence lately, and I really just want to feel safe and loved. I hate that I still crave my ex. It's so confusing. I feel repulsed by him, but also love him and want him. It wasn't rape, but it was not consensual at all. He tricked me into doing something I was not okay with and enjoyed it. I could feel him enjoying it. It really fucked me up.

Sexual assault is ANY sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent from all parties involved. you clearly communicated that you wanted to stop, but your boyfriend continued despite your verbal objections.

That is definition of r*pe.

The way your body reacted to it with pleasure is a response from the lizard part out your brain doing shit without our rational part of your brain fully understanding what's happening, like when a doctor whacks your knee with that little mallet and your leg kicks out without you meaning to.

Part of the reason why I didn't want to tell about mine is because my attacker was my first and it felt good when he wasn't being so rough, but if I told anyone that they would think I was lying because my hormones did their hormone thing. It was fucking confusing. I thought it meant that I must've had a crush on or something because of it. But no, he was just forcing my body to gaslight itself as part of his pathetic grasping for power.

I'm not going to pretend that I can fully comprehend being betrayed so deeply by someone who is supposed to care for you in such an intimate manner, but it's clear as day to me that he did not, nor does he now, deserve your loyalty. The fact that your ex dumped you because he made you suicidal over something as vile as what he did says way more about him than it ever could about you.

 

[OneLove]

I'm 42, and about 5 years ago I started getting flashbacks to some really scary images of when I was a young child (probably 5-7). They are not full memories, only bits and pieces, and I'm not 100% sure if my mind was actually able to block these memories for so long or if they are not real. Is that normal?? But, I suppose it would make sense that I developed behavioral issues as I was a kid, and depression and anxiety throughout my life.

 

[dewdrop]

Disgusting, ashamed, and confused. I felt guilty because he always blamed me for "provoking" him, and I believed that for years. i wasn't trying to provoke him, I didn't even know what sex was, I was so young. i was crying and begged for it to stop the first few times, I even tried getting away. Eventually i just gave up and tried to dissociate through it. i still get worried that i somehow encouraged it, and so sad mourning the loss of my innocence. I even feel ashamed about losing my virginity, even though it wouldn't have otherwise mattered to me. There's a lasting horror when your bodily autonomy is violated. It feels like I'm ruined. i hate myself.

It hurt so much. he is almost a decade older than me. He said he was going to kill me, and i believed he was going to. I still have flashbacks all the time. But he was so sweet and apologetic to me throughout that following week which made me feel so much more confused. But kind of happy too. He comforted me and bought me toys. Part of me yearns for that unpredictable treatment now. I feel like i deserve to be abused. I'm an awful person. The abuse continued for years and he still tries to contact me.

I confided in a close male friend I trusted about this abuse a couple years ago. He used it against me and did the same things to me. He did all of the same things I told him happened to me. He was the only person i ever told. except for now on here. It's nice to have somewhere where i can say these things and people will understand.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

This thred is making me physically feel uneasy but again who knows maybe that's just from being exposed to such depravity, personally I can't describe because why would I want to think about it willingly or talk about that shit willingly, but I don't mean to seem offensive, my apologies in advance for coming off as potentially abrasive

 

[Cirno]

Humiliated and disgusted. That's all, but it only came with time. I was too young at the time to actually know what's going on. Only now I feel like I want to puke every time I think of it.

 

[Dejected 55]

I don't know if this is appropriate to ask... not because I'm a man, because men do get sexually abused too... but because as far as I'm aware I've never been sexually abused.

But I was wondering, based on some of what I've read through this thread. Beyond the physical pain and torment of the experience, on the psychological side of it. Is it different when it is a stranger? Like when the random pervert grabs someone off the street and assaults them? VS. when it is someone you know/trust, like a friend, family member, or boyfriend?

I'm asking because... I feel like psychologically *I* think I would feel worse if it was from a trusted person rather than a stranger. I feel like I could dissociate the memory more easily if it wasn't a betrayal by someone I knew. I feel like if it came from someone I knew/trusted that would be way harder for me to deal with.

Anyway, feel free to ignore if this is out of place. It just was something that struck me as I was reading through all of the horrible experiences that none of you (or anyone else) should ever have to endure.

 

[monetpompo]

This thred is making me physically feel uneasy but again who knows maybe that's just from being exposed to such depravity, personally I can't describe because why would I want to think about it willingly or talk about that shit willingly

agree. i know i'm not actually contributing much by not writing my experience or responding to anyone else's reply to the post, but the title of the thread filled me with deep unease. i really do hate talking about it even if it's to other victims since thinking about it makes me feel ill. therapists would ask me to describe it or say how it felt to me at the time but i didn't want to answer them because the question made me uneasy and someone asking me that made me feel like they were doing it because they thought i needed it instead of because i wanted to tell them. i hate talking about it but i'm glad this thread makes the people commenting in it feel accepted. describing the experience itself feels traumatic because i had to tell cops and doctors over and over on the same day because i was told to go to the police, just to get told i didn't have enough evidence and to go back home. going to the police and the hospital just made me more of a burden to my parents than i already was. talking about it and reading about it makes me feel so sad.

 

[anonymous2025]

My ex raped me when we first got together while I was sound asleep, when he was doing his thing, I woke up of course and was scared out of my mind as I didn't know what to do, so I just pretended to still be asleep. he then told me if I ever left him, he would kill me. This lasted 6 years and ended horribly. He's % Puerto Rican and after everything, he gets an escort and contracts hiv, then tried to come back to me.. I had to leave the state of Florida because he would stalk me, key my car, chase me around the city and send me dirty fotos. I don't ever speak of this.

 

[endlessmelancholy]

I am sorry some of you had to experience that. I hope your abuser is in jail and you recover.

 

[Olivie_420]

(I don't think this thread will get much attention)

Just as the title says..victims of such horror..how did it felt while being raped/molested and how did YOU FEEL during the aftermath of it and still do..???

we all know what ptsd is like and it's symptoms and stuff and imagine the horror the victim must have suffered and still lives in..
And most of the times victim are just asked about how it happened and the details about what perpetrator did to them? But not much about how the victim felt and still feels...i know a lot of us never got the chance to say our feelings in DETAIL just brushed off with "i have ptsd" or just break down while speaking and i know everybody's story is different and so are there feelings...

So, i want to know how did yall felt during? After it? And still do?
Not the story but rather your feelings in depth..

Ive read some of the thread and it seems like some people are being rude and think that your question is insensitive (or maybe I just don't know how to read peoples tones) but whatever the case is I'm here for you in whatever your feeling!

The first time I was molested, it was by my own cousin when I was maybe 5-6. The thing is, I can only remember what people told me about it. In my grandmother's house, my mother found me multiple times in the closet with my older male cousin, me naked. This happened over the course of a year or two every time we'd go to my grandmothers house. When the truth was out, I was forced to stay quiet and was invalidated, told it wasn't sexual assault because both me and my cousin were minors, and if I told anyone I'd rip my family apart. I barely even remember what he looks like, but when I look on the mirror I always see a glimpse of him behind me, like he's haunting me. A few years back, a video went viral of him running across a busy road and getting hit by a truck. He's now paralyzed, and months before my parents disowned me I was forced to see him again for the first time since the incident as kids.Im just glad he couldn't hurt another child like he hurt me, but I'm pretty sure before the truck hit him he already had more victims. Something that really affects me and I remember is the last time I spoke to my mother, when she disowned me and stranded me, she shamed me for it and told me that I wanted it. Which I wouldve never told her, a fellow victim...

The most recent time wasn't rape or molestation I don't think. I was 17 when it happened. He was in my high school and lived on the same block. He lied to me about his age (at the time he turned out to be 14/15, and a freshman, but he only had sophomore and junior classes. I was a junior. He told me he was 17.) The relationship wasn't that great. He was manipulative and abusive during it all. He'd stab me with shit under tables, force me into stairwells to make out and feel on me, and (what I broke up with him for) cheated multiple times and tried to lure me into the nearby Public Library bathroom to force me to have sex with him. And when I didn't, he tried to get one of my friends to get me to the library (but I had good friends at the time. She warned me instead and told me not to go. It turns out him, and 2 other guy friends were waiting for me in that bathroom..) The aftermath of that was I had to move across town, but I still had to finish my studies at the high school I graduated from, with him in my class for the remainder of that year. He auditioned for the play I got a main role in just to get near me, he'd wait at the back exit where the breakfast room and special education classes were during dismissal (I was not a special education kid, he was and would purposely miss his bus so he could try and catch me walking out of that entrance. I was given a specific card for that door no other student had, because my PUBLIC transit bus stopped there, and going the other exit would result in me having to walk all the way around the schools exterior.) and the torment didnt stop until I graduated in June 2024.

I do have frequent flashbacks of the time, and it has affected what I do now somewhat and how much I go out (since I still have chances of seeing them) and it's just made me more paranoid than normal. It also caused me to be hypersexual from a young age, and because of that I've been groomed online young. Also, having an abusive and toxic home family did not help. I feel like you'd have to ask the FRIENDS of people who've gone through this also to see truly how it affects you, because there's things you can't see about yourself that others can.

I try not to think about it often but when I do, even though I know it was not my fault, I still feel like it is and I have the neverending thought of what I couldve done to stop the situations and help myself. I feel disappointed in myself because I feel like I couldve done more, and I feel envious for those who were allowed to get "Justice" as I was never given the chance out of fear. I hope my story helps with whatever your going through. You are not alone

If you need a friend or someone to just speak to, I'm here! Please don't hesitate to PM!!

 

[Blueberry Panic]

Everytime I've been raped ... it made me significantly worse. It's horrible

 

[bankai]

Disgusting, ashamed, and confused. I felt guilty because he always blamed me for "provoking" him, and I believed that for years. i wasn't trying to provoke him, I didn't even know what sex was, I was so young. i was crying and begged for it to stop the first few times, I even tried getting away. Eventually i just gave up and tried to dissociate through it. i still get worried that i somehow encouraged it, and so sad mourning the loss of my innocence. I even feel ashamed about losing my virginity, even though it wouldn't have otherwise mattered to me. There's a lasting horror when your bodily autonomy is violated. It feels like I'm ruined. i hate myself.

It hurt so much. he is almost a decade older than me. He said he was going to kill me, and i believed he was going to. I still have flashbacks all the time. But he was so sweet and apologetic to me throughout that following week which made me feel so much more confused. But kind of happy too. He comforted me and bought me toys. Part of me yearns for that unpredictable treatment now. I feel like i deserve to be abused. I'm an awful person. The abuse continued for years and he still tries to contact me.

I confided in a close male friend I trusted about this abuse a couple years ago. He used it against me and did the same things to me. He did all of the same things I told him happened to me. He was the only person i ever told. except for now on here. It's nice to have somewhere where i can say these things and people will understand.

None of this is your fault. You don't need to feel guilt. When all this stuff happens at a younger and more formative part of our age It will interfere with the normal growth process. The shame, the weirdness, whatever it is that you're ashamed about. This is what happens when this kind of stuff happens. You're not awful, you've just had awful things happen.