How can you overcome what you realised when really suicidal

[sleepytime5]

I'm just kinda getting back on my feet tbf, I keep relapsing, rn I guess I am ok and stuff even though I am breaking out rn and bawling my eyes out because I remember what people actually said to me when I wanted to ctb and that in reality not only did they not give a fuck but it feels like they were twisting the knife even more.
An example would be my bestfriend that saw me being suicidal and on the verge and made it all about himself, how this makes him feel anxious and feel like he wasted 6 years on me and is considering cutting me off because he doesn't want to "waste more years". Even my mom told me at one point that "living is optional" even though she meant it well and I was in a crisis she wasn't able to fix in any way.
I really feel like this website is all I got but idk I am getting very delusional again that people actually want me to do it and to suffer.
I feel like doing it rn even tho I am spiteful and would never want to give them the pleasure, it just really fucking hurts, this realisation. That I am just absolute dogshit to everyone. That not a single person conforted me in depression/psychosis, they all just distanced and laughed at me more. I fucking hate myself and everyone so much, I feel like it's all a bit prank I'm not on.
People take me being sad as being a burden and me be happy and cheerful as me being a joke. There's really no way for me to ever win, not in front of people, not in front of my own anxiety that kills me everytime I want to leave. Seems like there's no way to cope around this. Maybe should have posted it on the other forum. I should end this joke.
There's really no point in living if I'll never be loved and I'll always be a joke that only makes people laugh because of how shockingly bad it is

 

[FluffIsJustice]

I guess getting all sort of responses after talking about suicidality is the usual (some examples from my side - 'Did you ever consider how that would affect me?' 'You dont have the guts to actually do it anyway.' 'Youd regret it the moment you do it.'). Particularly the second one really had me wanting to do it just to prove my point, which is a stupid reason considering its about ctb (I decided that me knowing is enough, I do not need to prove myself to every random person that exists out there).
You mentioned being delusional, I also have experience in my brain lying to me as thoughts are not objective reflections of reality. What helped me partly break that was to find gaps / proof that showed just how inacurate my thoughts were.
Hope this helps you somehow, though I doubt it ...