how can someone be this much of a pathetic loser

[Sanva]

sometimes when I'm by myself for a while i begin to feel okay, like i still feel depressed but i start to gain some self esteem in a weird way. Whenever i have to speak to people this gets reversed immediately. had a phone call with my mom today and jesus, she talks to me like i'm a fucking complete invalid. I get it, i'm a fucking loner, I'm weird, I wish neurotypicals could just let me live for fucks sake. It's not like I chose to be this way, that's what makes me angry. I never chose to be a socially anxious autistic invalid, I was just born this way. I'm trying to make the best of it but it's so fucking hard when i'm constantly reminded of how much of a failure i am.

i feel like the universe is telling me to ctb. i was trying to improve my anxiety and get better and now I've been sick with the flu for two weeks unable to leave the house at all. it's like a sign i need to stop trying and just get it done with already.

there's never any relief for me, only distraction. the only relief from this i will ever feel will be death.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course this life is very unfair, many people are disadvantaged through no fault of their own right from the start. I know that when things get worse it can be a dreadful feeling. Life is mostly just suffering after all. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

An important thing to remember is that other people are not as harsh on you as you are yourself. An insensitive word spoken to you by another is usually attributable to tactlessness and not malice. No matter how embarrassed or anxious you feel just know that the people around you are generally too preoccupied to notice, so if you can just take it slowly and treat social interactions as a sort of game. You do your best and if it doesn't work out the way you picture in your mind you can just try again next time.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Sanva-

The NTs really don't understand. You're right about that. The thing is, they can't. They can't imagine any other way to think than the NT way.

I think PreussenBlueJay is on to something - I certainly hope that your mother is not trying to hurt you. She just doesn't know any other way to put things.

An example from my llife is my mother. She is always telling me, "I just thought you should know..." and then following up that phrase by telling me some hurtful thing that someone else has said about me. She's wrong. Wrong as hell. My life is not better by knowing every awful thing someone said about me. But she can't see that. She really believes she's doing a good thing.

I really hope you're feeling physically better soon. Those little moments when we feel better are sometimes all we get. Try to hold on to them if you can.

 

[Arrow]

Yeah this life is pretty fucked honestly. Not sure how else to say it. Like we're playing on Nightmare Mode. Feels like being stuck forever.
I wish I was strong enough to change fate. Or rather I wish I wasn't too lazy to try to fix things. I'm probably just gonna let it all go.
Wish things could've been different for people like us. Wish the world was a different place.
Think we're in hell or something. My pain is intense; it's a well organized attack against me and it isn't going away.
You're right that it's not your fault. I guess none of it is any of our faults even though I really do feel like I'm responsible for how fucked I am.
The part about being okay by yourself and it reversing when you have to deal with people reminded me of myself.
I just hope we'll all feel okay again one day.

 

[whatevs]

An important thing to remember is that other people are not as harsh on you as you are yourself. An insensitive word spoken to you by another is usually attributable to tactlessness and not malice. No matter how embarrassed or anxious you feel just know that the people around you are generally too preoccupied to notice, so if you can just take it slowly and treat social interactions as a sort of game. You do your best and if it doesn't work out the way you picture in your mind you can just try again next time.

This. That overused concept of "you are your own worst enemy" is COMPLETELY on point. I have noticed that even when people purposely harm me with words or actions it's usually something trivial to them , and what really makes it painful is the voice in my head that amplifies and carefully archives the moment to use it against me. And most of the time, as you said, people offend you without intent.

 

[waitingforrest]

I agree. Neurotypicals can't ever understand the suffering people considered different go through. I am constantly being told that I am still young and don't understand life yet, but I clearly understand enough to not want to live anymore. Neurotypicals take so many basic things for granted.

It seems whenever anyone says that they are lonely, the most common response is talk to your friends and family. Or just put yourself out there more. But not everyone has people that care about them. Neurotypicals don't seem to ever consider that.

Lacking social skills is the worse, it sometimes seems like the world is against me too.