How can I tell if I have depression?

[Cauliflour]

I know the obvious answer is "go ask a therapist!" but I refuse to spout out all my darkest secrets to some stranger who can send me to a mental hospital. I feel like I'm constantly 1 wrong move away from rotting in my bedroom like those 4chan bedroom photos. I've been tired for months and I've found it hard to get out of bed recently, even if I've been sleeping for 11 hours. I've also had motivation problems for a while, although I also haven't cut in nearly 2 weeks so that's probably why but I don't feel motivated to cut so that's a bit of a problem. Not to mention some other stuff but idk no matter how many times I look at those "what is depression" articles online and focus on the symptoms, because I'm so out of touch with my emotions, it makes it hard for me to tell. On one hand I do share some symptoms but on the other hand these symptoms fade a bit just by play a video game or something, implying they're not strong enough to count. Am I just lazy?

Should also add that nothing really traumatic has happened to me and if something has then it was probably my own fault and I'm not in touch enough to really feel it anyway.

 

[Hollowman]

Being on this forum is a pretty good indicator.

 

[Cauliflour]

Being on this forum is a pretty good indicator.

But depression has a heavy weight to it's name: I feel like I need more evidence.

 

[Hollowman]

Good luck trying to figure it out.

 

[DignifiedGrave]

Heyo. So, everyone will experience depression differently, whats important is, do you feel that your mood is consistently worse then it could be? Do you remember a time when your mood was consistently better? More importantly; do you feel that you are usually happy, neutral? Nothing at all? The secret sauce is: if you feel totally neutral or apathetic, empty, whatever, blah, all the time and can't "tell if you are happy or sad" thats persistent, mild depression. But I cant tell you that. Just keep in mind, being distracted doesnt mean you arent depressed, it just means your not actively noticing being depressed.

 

[Cauliflour]

Heyo. So, everyone will experience depression differently, whats important is, do you feel that your mood is consistently worse then it could be? Do you remember a time when your mood was consistently better? More importantly; do you feel that you are usually happy, neutral? Nothing at all? The secret sauce is: if you feel totally neutral or apathetic, empty, whatever, blah, all the time and can't "tell if you are happy or sad" thats persistent, mild depression. But I cant tell you that. Just keep in mind, being distracted doesnt mean you arent depressed, it just means your not actively noticing being depressed.

I also have alixithmya so feeling neutral is innate to me a lot of the time. That's why I'm asking cause I seriously can't tell what I'm feeling a lot of the time so I have to guess based on what my body is doing. It's also another reason why I've never bothered with therapy because if I can't explain what I'm going through then how the hell is someone else supposed to help?

 

[DignifiedGrave]

I also have alixithmya so feeling neutral is innate to me a lot of the time. That's why I'm asking cause I seriously can't tell what I'm feeling a lot of the time so I have to guess based on what my body is doing. It's also another reason why I've never bothered with therapy because if I can't explain what I'm going through then how the hell is someone else supposed to help?

Hmm. Well. Keeping that in mind, it does most certainly seem like you are depressed. Especially if you report having suicidal thoughts. Do you have insurance, are you employed? I know you say you struggle with communication because of alexithymia but maybe doing some research can help you get into contact with somebody who has lots of experience helping other people with the same condtion. They might be able to help you better understand and explain things you feel?

 

[Cauliflour]

Hmm. Well. Keeping that in mind, it does most certainly seem like you are depressed. Especially if you report having suicidal thoughts. Do you have insurance, are you employed? I know you say you struggle with communication because of alexithymia but maybe doing some research can help you get into contact with somebody who has lots of experience helping other people with the same condtion. They might be able to help you better understand and explain things you feel?

I'm from the UK so idk how the mental health side works, I think it's free? But I don't think having suicidal thoughts is enough cause suicide is broad, especially cause I've been passively suicidal for years but I wouldn't say I've been depressed for years.

 

[LostHighway]

View attachment 205827I know the obvious answer is "go ask a therapist!" but I refuse to spout out all my darkest secrets to some stranger who can send me to a mental hospital. I feel like I'm constantly 1 wrong move away from rotting in my bedroom like those 4chan bedroom photos. I've been tired for months and I've found it hard to get out of bed recently, even if I've been sleeping for 11 hours. I've also had motivation problems for a while, although I also haven't cut in nearly 2 weeks so that's probably why but I don't feel motivated to cut so that's a bit of a problem. Not to mention some other stuff but idk no matter how many times I look at those "what is depression" articles online and focus on the symptoms, because I'm so out of touch with my emotions, it makes it hard for me to tell. On one hand I do share some symptoms but on the other hand these symptoms fade a bit just by play a video game or something, implying they're not strong enough to count. Am I just lazy?

Should also add that nothing really traumatic has happened to me and if something has then it was probably my own fault and I'm not in touch enough to really feel it anyway.

It sounds like you have textbook anhedonia (apathy) to me. it can be just as bad as full on depression. If you live in the US, you can find a therapist online, depending on your insurance. I've had good luck with Grow Therapy. If you see someone in person, don't mention that you have imminent plans for CTB. That will raise concerns. But if you say you have NO PLANS but do have low grade suicidal ideation, the doctor won't report you. You can say a heck of a lot in therapy without the topic of suicide even coming up. It can be really, really helpful if you find someone warm and kind. I also urge you to consider taking bupropion. And if that doesn't work for any reason, consider esketamine or, if you have the money, ketamine infusions. Please stick around and do what you can to try to help yourself.

 

[Cauliflour]

It sounds like you have textbook anhedonia (apathy) to me. it can be just as bad as full on depression.

It's hard to tell cause autism. I can't just open myself and have a look at the intricacies of my brain functions.

 

[LostHighway]

It's hard to tell cause autism. I can't just open myself and have a look at the intricacies of my brain functions.

ah, i see. i gave bad advice. i need to edit my post. bupropion might help autistics with anhedonia. NOT ssris. it's worth a try speaking with someone. i'm sure there are therapists who have autistic clients.

 

[Tyra]

Idk but that's a pretty good drawing. I wish I could draw.

 

[Cauliflour]

Idk but that's a pretty good drawing. I wish I could draw.

It's really nothing. If you want to learn how to draw, just try drawing. You'll be surprised how much you can learn via practice and trial and error.

ah, i see. i gave bad advice. i need to edit my post. bupropion might help autistics with anhedonia. NOT ssris. it's worth a try speaking with someone. i'm sure there are therapists who have autistic clients.

I've had bad experiences with the nurses at my secondary school and I don't want to be on drugs cause if the effects of caffiene have taught me anything, is that I don't want outside shit messing with my brain chemistry. Caffeine makes me actively suicidal, and that's just from a few mochas! I dread to think what prescription drugs would do to me...

 

[LostHighway]

It's really nothing. If you want to learn how to draw, just try drawing. You'll be surprised how much you can learn via practice and trial and error.

I've had bad experiences with the nurses at my secondary school and I don't want to be on drugs cause if the effects of caffiene have taught me anything, is that I don't want outside shit messing with my brain chemistry. Caffeine makes me actively suicidal, and that's just from a few mochas! I dread to think what prescription drugs would do to me...

therapists can be really helpful. if have HORRIBLE memories from my youth. but please don't let those painful memories hinder you from trying to help yourself. is there anything at all that you enjoy doing? being out in nature? drawing, hanging out with a friend? cooking? i wish i could help you. i'm having really bad anhedonia now as a side effect of a sleep med. it's really rough. i'm just trying to get by moment by moment.

 

[Cauliflour]

therapists can be really helpful. if have HORRIBLE memories from my youth. but please don't let those painful memories hinder you from trying to help yourself. is there anything at all that you enjoy doing? being out in nature? drawing, hanging out with a friend? cooking? i wish i could help you. i'm having really bad anhedonia now as a side effect of a sleep med. it's really rough. i'm just trying to get by moment by moment.

I have hobbies but it's harder to find motivation for them nowadays and I feel like I don't do them as much as I used to cause it's easier to instead do nothing at 2 am.

 

[Pluto]

 

[LostHighway]

I have hobbies but it's harder to find motivation for them nowadays and I feel like I don't do them as much as I used to cause it's easier to instead do nothing at 2 am.

I get it... Please try not to stay up that late, okay? I have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. I fall asleep and wake up really late. It sucks.

 

[Cauliflour]

Think I should also add that I'm currently living with my parents still so if I was gonna go out and see a therapist then I'd probably have to tell them so they don't get worried wondering where I've gone (I only really leave the house on my own to go buy things at the shopping centre).

I get it... Please try not to stay up that late, okay? I have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. I fall asleep and wake up really late. It sucks.

I've found that I don't have the motivation to do my nighttime routine unless it's like 2 am and I can't go to sleep unless I've done it. Even if I do get it done earlier, my brain can refuse to want to sleep at all.

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/drugs-and-treatments/talking-therapy-and-counselling/how-to-find-therapy-or-counselling/

Alright I think the best course of action is to bottle it up and forget about it cause this looks awfully complex for something that probably doesn't mean anything in the long run. I don't know who my GP is so I'd have to ask my parents and they'll ask me asking why I need to know and if I tell them it's for therapy then they'll start interrogating me and they suck when it comes to mental health cause in their eyes I have it easy and thus have no reason for mental health issues. Even if somehow I do get a therapist, I have a strong feeling that all this effort would just be for a repeat of my secondary school nurse, asking me about my feelings (even though I can't answer that question) and giving basic answers all while making me feel very awkward. Even if I get an autism specialist one, my traits aren't that common so I imagine it'll be like a repeat of my secondary school again.

My mum is already noticing that I wake up late, I just hope she assumes it's nothing more than laziness cause dear god is she terrible to talk about mental health to. A few years ago I asked for ginger hair dye as a Christmas present cause I like how ginger hair looks, I ended up getting it done professionally, about a month later she sees one of my cutting scars and then brings it up, saying that she thought cause I got my hair dyed, that means mental health issues are no more and that I have no reason to cut (even though I never even suggested that and I told her before that body image wasn't why I cut in the first place) and I was confused. If I tell her that there's a good chance I have depression, she's not gonna understand. She's gonna start making up her own interpretations again and make things even more messy. She doesn't even know I still cut, she just assumes cause I've hidden my scars better that I've "grown out of that phase" and just treats self harm like it's a silly teenage thing. My dad would probably just think I'm ungrateful or something. I love my parents but they're really not the people to go to if I have anything deeply personal to say (and they wonder why I'm so secretive...). I'm moving out in a couple months though but I have quite a bit of free time on my hands currently and I'll be pissed if I waste it all because "ooooo mental health issues oooooo".