How am I gonna make it through this Christmas Holiday Season? Feb CTB date.

[BeautifulMosaics]

I feel the type of depressed that I usually haven't these past few years - in the sense that I can feel the physical depression symptoms. I don't have the energy for all this joviality. I don't want to socialise I like sleeping and slipping away. My family member's birthday is coming up in a week, so I won't do that to them even though my family has treated me horribly and cruelly in the past and probably don't deserve my consideration and martyrdom but... I'm better than that and them.

I'm planning to ctb 1st Feb so they don't associate Jan with my death. 7 weeks I have it.. How the fuck am I gonna make it through that? I'm stuck in the house due to my phobias and anxieties.. Felt crazy last night because of being cooped up. How can you participate in life when you know you're going to die? It's just an oxymoron. I could SO easily do it today honestly. I hope I still feel this way when Feb comes around. I hope my family doesn't ask rude questions about my future like one in-law did when I'm clearly depressed and cooped up and isolated. Whatever.. Smdh..

Things I plan to do to make my life easier while I wait:

1. Anna Nicole Smith Show
2. Watch Sopranos again
3. Nails done
4. Hair done

If I find the nerve and enthusiam to leave the house. I uber everywhere because of my anxiety:

3. Ice Skating
4. Rock Climbing
5. The gym/swimming
6. I would love to socialise with new people if my mood was lighter but I feel guilty bringing people into my life if I'm just going to ctb anyway.. not that they'd love me or anything but it's a bit iffy to me morally but I know I'm very hard on myself anyway. Plus it's hard to be chatty when depressed and you know you're going to die. Maybe I'll just do it anyway as I said it's not as if they're gonna fall in love with me.
7. I would love to be able to go for walks but in this weather with my health condition I think it's unlikely.

Dammit, so many things that would make me happy are outside the house..

My one big worry is that these things will life my mood and make me not want to ctb. Not that my mind will change but that it will make committing to the act harder. Has anyone else felt that? To the non-suicidal it may not make sense but we know that we mentally and logically decide to ctb just as much as we are emotionally driven to. Me personally, I have never felt the emotional urge to kill myself. It is a result of my circumstances and me weighing up my prospects.

 

[marinekiwi]

I'm sorry you're going through all this pain.
At least you can leave at the time of your choosing.
The plans you have in mind seem to be pretty fun and engaging (I loved ice skating too), sincerely hope you find the energy to carry them out!

 

[Itsallover123]

Personally going out to do fun things doesn't change anything for me because after the fun is over I come back to my harsh reality and keep wanting to ctb. I'd love to go ice-skating tho, I haven't gone since I was little

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand it is tiring when you have no energy, there is never anything I want to do apart from falling into an eternal sleep. I can imagine it must be frustrating having to wait, but I wish you the best with your plans.