Venting Hope gained then lost then gained on repeat

[Serio]

I know I have probs posted about this before but I just it keeps happening I get hopeful again rhen everything comes crashing down and each time I'm more afraid I want to push people away so I won't be hurt I'm scared of ppl that care I haven't had people that genuinely did before and it's like I know it's just a matter of time before rhey don't or before they leave me everyone else has been like that and everything repeats and I'm so scared I am such a fuck up also I ruin absolutely fuckinb everything I'm also a wreck less person sometimes I don't even notice what I'm doing is wreckless Bc my life has always been reckless and everyone hates me and I have such a shit personality and I have an fwb now who I like a lot but I know it's just a matter of time before they are bored wirh me and cast me aside and never talk to me again or until they hate me when I'm not good enough or they find someone better and I'm eo scared and tired because every time I get confident and I finally feel my happiness maybe coming back something happens or I start overthinking then I'm thrown right back and sometimes when I am I feel like emotionally numb except to pain like I will still feel anxiety and depression but nothing else sometimes I also just don't feel anything at all I hate and love that feeling Bc it feels uncomfortable when I don't feel any emotion at all but at the same time it's a relief to not be depressed and now I started SH again I keep relapsing over and over like what's the point and it feels so good to SH sometimes it fascinates me and I feel somewhat proud because atleast I can do something right… lol even if it's just cutting or hurting myself atleast I'm not incompetent in it it also just feels good especially if I feel like I made a mistake it feels good to punish myself even though it doesn't fix my mistake..: atleast I pay for it so it evens out karma or whatevs if that makes sense? Sigh everything is so exaughsting everything just hurts my head hurts my heart hurts idk why everything I wonder why everyone hates me honestly I have already accepted the fact that I'm just not someone who anyone could ever love I wish I was someone that could be loved and at this point even if someone did I wouldn't believe them or I would be so scared of them hurting me in the end like ppl always do that I wanna distance myself then I have to hurt myself after to cope. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself so so so so fucking much I deserve to be in pain and used I don't deserve love as im writing this I can't even feel anything Bc my emotions I can't even tell if im sad atm I feel empty I like hurting myself sometimes also when like this Bc atleast I can feel something like physical pain even if I can't feel emotional. I don't understand how I can have int mee but motions then those same emotions turn my def in a matter of seconds I don't know what's wrong with me I went to die but I can't kms I wish someone would pull the trigger for me

 

[FuneralCry]

It is painful to lose hope, which is why I am glad that I have none. It sounds like you are going through a lot, being alive really is horrible. I hope you find peace and relief from your suffering in some way. I wish you the best.

 

[Lost Magic]

This is how I feel about hope.

 

[its-about-time]

Yeah. The constant rollercoaster you described is the primary reason for me to go. I'm tired of it. I don't want to find hope again because it quickly gets blown up. I'm just done. I don't feel worthy of love at all but doesn't stop me from hoping for it when there's an opportunity then I end up feeling even worse. I'm sorry. It's fucking hard.

 

[Serio]

Yeah. The constant rollercoaster you described is the primary reason for me to go. I'm tired of it. I don't want to find hope again because it quickly gets blown up. I'm just done. I don't feel worthy of love at all but doesn't stop me from hoping for it when there's an opportunity then I end up feeling even worse. I'm sorry. It's fucking

Yeah. The constant rollercoaster you described is the primary reason for me to go. I'm tired of it. I don't want to find hope again because it quickly gets blown up. I'm just done. I don't feel worthy of love at all but doesn't stop me from hoping for it when there's an opportunity then I end up feeling even worse. I'm sorry. It's fucking hard.

Same I don't even feel like I'm worthy of people caring but I desperately want people to but when they do I feel guilty so then I fuck it all up and ruin everything