Helpless, clueless child...

[motel rooms]

I married a helpless, clueless child who just looks like a man. Is it possible to teach a 28-year-old traumatized doormat dignity? I can't pretend I respect his self-destructive "decisions" anymore. He's always there for me & I love & value him, I really fucking do, but I have to take charge & protect him from himself. He doesn't want to be equals anyway, he wants a father figure. I have to accept that he's simply unable to stop idealizing me even though I'm as messed up as him. No, he isn't suicidal & I'm not gonna lock him up in a room. I'm not even gonna take away his damn booze.

 

[Silenos]

All the unequal relationships I've been in failed in the long run, so I fear for yours. Is it at all possible to get him to try therapy?

 

[OrcWitch]

Maybe the longer he is around you receiving love and respect, the more he will grow out of being a doormat.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

He copes with booze I guess, and then there is the age difference, which does frustrate the older party. I know all about that, there is a 12 year gap in my own relationship. First you want to beat your head against the wall, then slowly you come to the realization that they have to learn all the mistakes for themselves, and you're just not sure that you want to stick around for all of them.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Sleepdrifter]

It sounds like they need help with assertiveness and self-esteem. There are probably patterns keeping them locked into a state of helplessness and they may have learned them from very long ago. What about something that would challenge that attitude - martial arts, boxing, jogging, or even just walking more regularly, just some kind of activity where they getting to exercise a sense of independence as well as their body.

I have had a lifelong struggle with assertiveness. It's so much better than in the past but still very poor and below what you'd regularly expect as an adult. You don't even understand you're being prompted to stand up for yourself sometimes. Alcohol is good for releasing inhibitions - it's not really anything to do with confidence or courage.

 

[motel rooms]

Is it at all possible to get him to try therapy?

Maybe. I think chronic people pleasers with zero self-esteem can't really change, though.

All the unequal relationships I've been in failed in the long run, so I fear for yours.

I'd never divorce him; we need each other in so many ways & he's incredibly loyal, he's like a big noble dog. He just needs me to tell him what to do, his feelings won't be hurt. I have to start vetting his clients. He promised me he would stop doing things that destabilize him & make him drink, but he thinks he has to pull his weight, which is really stupid. I make enough money & I rent out my parents' house to tourists all year round, he doesn't have to work at all or I can get him a part-time job.

I know I sound like a manipulative dick, but I can't just stand by & watch him suffer unnecessarily. It's not like I yell & threaten him, that's not how I operate.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Any type of change you urge upon him needs to be gradual. Don't push or expect much in the way of change as that's typically not how it works. People generally only better themselves for themselves, and that often requires a catalyst of their own doing.

Just support and love him what you can. Accept his faults as he hopefully accepts yours, best of luck to you both brother.

 

[Silenos]

Maybe. I think chronic people pleasers with zero self-esteem can't really change, though.

Hi, former chronic people pleaser with zero self-esteem here. I did actually manage to overcome this stuff in therapy, and not just me, most of the people in my therapy groups as well. I learned to stop hating myself and start making me and my own needs the number one priority. So I'm telling you that with enough will and perseverance he's got a chance of achieving at least as much. It did take me a while (and probably a bit of luck) to find the type of therapy that worked for me, but I still consider it to have been worth my time.

Giving it a shot seems better than continuing as is and hoping for the best. Just my two cents.

 

[motel rooms]

Hi, former chronic people pleaser with zero self-esteem here. I did actually manage to overcome this stuff in therapy, and not just me, most of the people in my therapy groups as well.

Interesting. How long were you in therapy for?

It did take me a while (and probably a bit of luck) to find the type of therapy that worked for me, but I still consider it to have been worth my time.

What worked for you?

Maybe the longer he is around you receiving love and respect, the more he will grow out of being a doormat.

I sure hope so.

 

[neurotoxic]

Honestly he sounds like me. As someone who is people-pleasing to a fault, self destructive, has a low self esteem and major daddy issues, the only way for him to get better is therapy with a good therapist.

Also, if hes like me he'll probably see getting better as something to do for you, but eventually that will have to shift to him wanting to do it for himself too if the improvement is going to last.

 

[Gsvko]

I can only say that I've been there, tried to help someone I loved in a parent-like way. It backfired terribly. They said they could endure it, I believed them, but they couldn't. I got rejected. Idk what to say. I understand the feeling of wanting to help, I was ready and ended up pouring my heart. Myb try to not invest yourself too much, idk myb find outlets that'd help your controlling urges. For your own sake. Take it easy. It could turn out beautiful or deadly painful, it's dangerous. Good luck.
Oh and building self-respect with proper guidance in therapy is so possible.

 

[Silenos]

Interesting. How long were you in therapy for?

What worked for you?

It took me 3 years from my first burn-out to the point where at the time I believed I'd pretty much recovered. But this also includes a practically wasted first year where I was delayed by shenanigans from the company I worked for while I was trying to do sessions with a psychologist. There's two main types of therapy that really did the trick for me, which combined cost me a total of a year and 3 months to do. I must emphasise however that these were chosen for me and my situation specifically. Not everyone needs or is suitable for the same kind of therapy, nor is any result guaranteed. That's for professionals to figure out. ;)

The first main one I did was schema therapy which I did in a group setting, 2 full days a week for a year. I learned to really open up and face my past head-on, but half a year in already knew I needed more. 2 days was not enough and allowed me to simply go home and escape from the stuff I was supposed to be working on in my head. So I was referred to an inpatient treatment that I was able to start at a couple of months after being done with this one.

The inpatient treatment was transactional analysis which was also in a group setting, for 3 months total. Basically a pressure cooker way of doing therapy that I really needed so I couldn't escape from myself. Here I worked on my most deeply rooted issues while at the same time gaining confidence from all I was learning and overcoming. After all that my intense self-hatred was all but gone and I wasn't taking shit from people close to me anymore. And these things actually stuck to this day.

 

[motel rooms]

There are probably patterns keeping them locked into a state of helplessness and they may have learned them from very long ago.

Yeah, he's been a helpless victim since early childhood...

Alcohol is good for releasing inhibitions - it's not really anything to do with confidence or courage.

He drinks to numb himself.

Honestly he sounds like me. As someone who is people-pleasing to a fault, self destructive, has a low self esteem and major daddy issues, the only way for him to get better is therapy with a good therapist.

Are you in therapy?

Also, if hes like me he'll probably see getting better as something to do for you

Yeah, I know he tries hard not to drink just to please me.

The first main one I did was schema therapy which I did in a group setting, 2 full days a week for a year.

The inpatient treatment was transactional analysis which was also in a group setting, for 3 months total. Basically a pressure cooker way of doing therapy

That's a lot of hard work...

 

[neurotoxic]

Are you in therapy?

not anymore, but while i was i was somewhat successful in starting to dismantle the tendencies i have that i mentioned earlier.

 

[motel rooms]

Myb try to not invest yourself too much

Too late for that...

 

[Gsvko]

Too late for that...

You go with your gut. Whatever happens, you're not alone. Hope it works out. Don't forget to take care of yourself.

 

[motel rooms]

So, baby, kiss me like a drug, like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
Though it's not
No, it's not