Have you ever felt like it's now or never?

[Dagon]

I bought my N back in 2019. I've read conflicting information on the shelf life of N, but the general consensus seems to be roughly 2 years after purchase. Some say that it can last longer if stored properly, but I accidentally threw my bottle of N in the washing machine once so that probably fucked up its chances of lasting more than 2 years. I doubt I'll ever get my hands on another bottle of N seeing as I've already had the pleasure of meeting homeland security. Keeping all of this in mind, the date that I've chosen for myself is most likely my only chance at ctb. However, as I approach closer to my deadline, I've been becoming increasingly uncertain about whether I'm ready or not. I know this is not a decision that I should make lightly and that I should only commit if I'm 100% ready, but it feels like a now or never situation.

Can anyone else relate? I'm conflicted and lost. I've been planning this for over a year now and I'm as prepared as ever, but I'm scared. I'm scared for my friends and family, especially my grandparents. I'm scared about what happens after death. But I think above all, I'm scared that I'll miss my only chance at ctb and that I'll be plagued with regret if I don't take the plunge now. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm ready, but the thought of being alive for even another year terrifies me. If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears.

 

[WornOutLife]

've been becoming increasingly uncertain about whether I'm ready or not.

I'm about to get my SN and this is my struggle day by day.

 

[Endeavour]

@Dagon - it sounds very much like you don't want to do it, but you're pressuring yourself because of a use by date on a bottle. If you don't want to go, then don't. You sound (and I'm sorry if I'm wrong) like you want to stay, not go.

 

[muffin222]

You sound very conflicted inside about whether you truly want to do it or not, which, to me, is a sign that it may not be your time yet. Truthfully, it's probably not your only chance at ctb- it may be your last chance at ctb using N, but there are a multitude of other alternatives that people have been using to die for centuries. They're not nearly as pleasant to use, but they exist.

If you decide later on down the line that you want to die, these other options will still be available to you. I hope you won't pressure yourself to end it prematurely based upon the expiration date of your N. Your life is worth more than that

 

[Dagon]

@Dagon - it sounds very much like you don't want to do it, but you're pressuring yourself because of a use by date on a bottle. If you don't want to go, then don't. You sound (and I'm sorry if I'm wrong) like you want to stay, not go.

I wouldn't necessarily say I want to stay, but I want to hold off for my grandparents. I'm honestly exhausted. I'm worried that if I hold out for another year, I'll crash and burn, but if I stick with my deadline, I can end strong.