I'm kinda impressed that it hasn't been even 10 days (August 14th) since my intense suicidal thought, and I'm back working at full speed like everyone expects me to.
I'm impressed, yet no one else (irl) is impressed. Of course not, they wouldn't know that 10 days ago I was sobbing uncontrollably in my closet (to reduce noise because the walls are thin) into a pillow. That I stopped caring about anything and was adding SN to my cart. And that I'm calling National Suicide Hotline, but I can't afford to tell the truth because I can't miss three days of my life if I were to be 5150'd or sectioned or whatever involuntary hold.
Anyways, so if you're wondering what triggered this suicidal thought: I had another task I couldn't get in on time, and I immediately felt like a failure and my suicidal thoughts are surging back. Not as intense (catatonic and numb like last time).
But I just can't shake off this feeling. I'm always wrestling with these thoughts.
It made me really wonder-- the person sitting next to me could have been sobbing uncontrollably last week and genuinely wanted to kill themselves. And yet they would be sitting there, going about life.
And no one would look at me and ever think, "Oh wow. This girl went through extreme mental and emotional distress less than ten days ago and I don't think she quite recovered from that yet but she's working hard. She's trying her best to live."
They'd probably think: "Late again? When will she get her shit together."
I'm impressed, yet no one else (irl) is impressed. Of course not, they wouldn't know that 10 days ago I was sobbing uncontrollably in my closet (to reduce noise because the walls are thin) into a pillow. That I stopped caring about anything and was adding SN to my cart. And that I'm calling National Suicide Hotline, but I can't afford to tell the truth because I can't miss three days of my life if I were to be 5150'd or sectioned or whatever involuntary hold.
Anyways, so if you're wondering what triggered this suicidal thought: I had another task I couldn't get in on time, and I immediately felt like a failure and my suicidal thoughts are surging back. Not as intense (catatonic and numb like last time).
But I just can't shake off this feeling. I'm always wrestling with these thoughts.
It made me really wonder-- the person sitting next to me could have been sobbing uncontrollably last week and genuinely wanted to kill themselves. And yet they would be sitting there, going about life.
And no one would look at me and ever think, "Oh wow. This girl went through extreme mental and emotional distress less than ten days ago and I don't think she quite recovered from that yet but she's working hard. She's trying her best to live."
They'd probably think: "Late again? When will she get her shit together."
