Has anyone else been suicidal since childhood?

[Forever Sleep]

SInce I was 10. It started because of intense bullying by a family member. Plus, grieving for the 3 close family members who had died by then. The want to suicide never really left me since then. Although, the reasons began to change.

 

[Kamaainakupua]

I think since before 10, though I waited to talk to anyone about it until I was 12. Parts of my childhood were sanitized and didn't resurface until early 20's. I know for certain the 12 because I told a school counselor who, of course, told my parents (hooray for mandatory reporting!) They were going through a divorce and thought that was why, but no. I remember distinctly thinking that I didn't want to be alive to see age 12, so the thoughts were there before that.

 

[rainatthebusstop]

What age did it start?

If I remember correctly age 11. Although I could be wrong but I remember begging God to kill me by then

Why?

I was pretty severely bullied and beaten up for being weird (most likely due to autism, although I never got diagnosed with anything)

 

[Topaz111]

It started when I was 11-12. My first attempt was at 12-13.
It was mostly caused by shitty family, school, bullying and undiagnised autism, chronic illness and chronic infections (from stress) also made it all worse.

 

[Riu]

I think I was 11 or 10 when I asked my mom what we would do if there was a tornado. She told me that we would just die because there was nothing we could do and when I heard that I thought to myself and eventually thought wouldn't it just be better to die or something like that. I can't really remember but I think I thought, "Wow, we would just die just like that? There's nothing we can do at all? Just accept the cruel fate and not even try fight for our lives? Then what's the point, why do we even live if we won't even try to survive the tornado?" Or something like that. I don't even know if what I was thinking was logical because I was so young, but I just know I asked a teacher if it would be better if we just died.

I don't blame my mother for anything. I wouldn't say she was a good mom, but I know she was going through a lot at the time, and people who are hurt and prone to hurt others. It's not really her fault.

 

[Final Journey]

Since i was 13, I even went to the train tracks near me at that time and only cancelled my attempt last minute. I was never diagnosed with anything but at the time I was in a constant state of fear and everything started to feel like a chore and I just wanted it to stop. I still regret that I choose the worst option at the time: abandoning the attempt and not telling anyone about it.

 

[Spite]

Not my whole childhood, but I've been suicidal on-and-off ever since I was about 14. Crazy to think that is half of my entire life.

 

[Reeds]

Around 8-10. I don't remember most of my childhood, but the first time I really planned when I was going to commit suicide is still one of my clearest memories from that age. I think I started idealizing suicide just because I didn't want to suffer anymore. I almost got caught writing about it when I was around 12, but luckily I was able to pass it off as being a weird kid. My mom got super mad at me at the time.

 

[Ashu]

Since fourteen, when I made my first attempt.

 

[Passenger4224]

Has anyone dealt with suicidal ideation since childhood? What age did it start? Why?

It started since I was a first grader. So like 7 years old. Or even 6? Because I hated school. It never went away especially now that I'm older and wiser

 

[charlavail]

Yeah I remember having a panic attack at around 16 about how I wasn't going to make it, but I was having ideations since I was around 12/13

 

[K14~♡]

I remember being in 3rd grade, walking
around the school campus and just thinking, "I'm a waste of space and resources. I'm better off dead, it would benefit my family." That's my earliest memory of suicidal ideation that I still remember. I'm not sure how or why these thoughts started. I don't even know where I heard such statements for me to think of it. Looking back, it just felt I was enjoying self-pity at that time, which might be a result of feeling neglected/lack of attention. But I don't remember my childhood well so I really can't be sure of anything. Maybe this didn't actually start when I was 9, maybe how I felt was different and it wasn't self-pity. Some of my memories from childhood have been proven to be wrong...

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

Has anyone dealt with suicidal ideation since childhood? What age did it start? Why?

I don't know at exactly what point I officially became suicidal, but the ideation was there at a very young age. I remember watching suicide scenes in movies as young as 5 and just being so fixated with it. And then I'd rewatch the movie just for that scene; because if I rewound the VHS to that specific scene my family would have thought something was wrong with me.

I do remember at a very young age, maybe 8, getting very angry and writing a note that I wanted to bury myself alive lol

I always had some kind of death wish since 10? (not actually sure), but not actively suicidal. I was more involved in self-harm, mainly oxygen deprivation.

You mention oxygen deprivation... did you ever do the pass out game? We called it cloud9. Someone introduced it to me in a children's home and I instantly fell in love with it!

 

[wannabeangel]

yeah i have, since i was 11 i think? or younger possibly, my mental health started getting bad around 7-8yo and got so much worse past 11. i would wish to stop existing and leave this planet, pain would stop. the only thing that's stopped me from ending it all already was not wanting to hurt my family. but with the way my divorce is going rn, starting to reconsider. maybe i'll make a long note telling them comforting things and that it's not their fault, i know it will still hurt them anyways but... it feels hopeless

 

[Macedonian1987]

I became depressed and suicidal when I was 16 years old. Even though other kids and teens avoided me and I was always alone, this didn't bother me at all when I was a kid.

 

[emotion]

I think suicidal ideation became my escape from around 8-9 years old.
I got bullied a lot during my childhood (I feel like that's the case for almost every (undiagnosed) autistic kid) and of course adults either chose the side of the bullies or told me to "just be tougher and fight back". No one ever did anything to make it stop. So, thinking about how I can die at any moment if I wanted to, and self harm, became my way to cope. And I've never been able to get rid of that thought since.

 

[Zvetok26]

I've always wanted to disappear. Never felt I was worthy enough to live or use resources. But at the age of 11 I've started to have concrete thoughts and plans about suicide. Never stopped since then.
I honestly can't see myself living a "full" life

 

[Silver’s End]

SInce I was 10. It started because of intense bullying by a family member. Plus, grieving for the 3 close family members who had died by then. The want to suicide never really left me since then. Although, the reasons began to change.

That's a shame really, I would want to do something to make them disappear.

 

[guessilldie]

13-14 when i started realising im sadly not like others because of autism

 

[X-sanguinate86]

On and off since around age 10. I'm old now and it never got better.

 

[Lysander]

Yes, since the age of seven. Suicidality in small children seems to go especially overlooked.

 

[HopelessScientist]

Has anyone dealt with suicidal ideation since childhood? What age did it start? Why?

when I was 10

Yes, since the age of seven. Suicidality in small children seems to go especially overlooked.

its because us researchers need parents permission to study kids, and obviously their little dumplings would *never* think such thoughts, right? Right?

We don't want to be liable for child abuse, or whatever, a lot of research just doesn't get done because it takes jumping through hurdles to study a child, both good reasons and bad reasons. But yes, I've been depressed since I was 7... it's what makes me feel particularly hopeless.

 

[jengablocks]

wuah, i didn't know about a link between SI at a young age and autism ... that makes a lot of sense, you're just living an inherently lonely existence from the second you emerge onto this planet. i don't remember an exact age, maybe like in the 8-12 range, and while my actual material circumstances were totally fine.

 

[tonicer]

I'm 43 now and i am suicidal since i was 10 or so. It never went away and comes in bursts some days are worse than others. Being a KHHV makes it a lot worse. I am certain that if i experienced love just once the bad days would be rarer but i am very ugly so my chances are very low at finding a lady.

 

[StrawberryRed]

The first time I remember feeling actively suicidal was maybe when i was 11. One of my first memories though was when I was 5 or 4 and my dad gave me a kitchen knife he was using to cut fruit to put back into the sink. I went inside the kitchen but stopped infornt of the sink. I was thinking about how easy it would be to just stab myself in the heart. I pressed the knife to my chest and tried to will myself to do it but i couldnt. I put the knife in the sink and ran back outside. IDK if I was being suicidal or if I was just a weird morbid kid.

 

[Honeybee]

Started around 9 maybe younger, didn't really understand it until 11. I'm also autistic, that's an interesting pattern

 

[camusfan_ig]

I have. I was around 5 or 6 when I started having thoughts of not wanting to be here. I only started understanding it around 10 years old. Tbh idk why it started. Probably due to a mess of factors from my childhood, but also I think that I'm just more prone to having these thoughts. It's the way I am

 

[plan c]

The idea of suicide had been oddly and passively comforting to me since i was... sth like 8? I have little recollection about the accurate time but it was definitely many many years before bipolar "flips" a.k.a. before those depressive episodes began to dominate. It doesn't feel agonizing and I never chased the rabbit. and, not to any serious extent did I plan or attempt a suicide. Just having some unrealistic and morbid death desires.

 

[fishperson]

it runs in my genes I also noticed a glaring pattern of bad luck and low motivation.
noticed that this life rewards me by making everything harder , uncomfortable and inconvenient.
if the variables dont wanna play ball , why should I.

 

[BecomingDiamond]

The earliest I can remember was when I was 6 years old, and I ran across the street with a friend to get to the school doors, almost getting hit by a car.

My dad reprimanded me obviously, But I thought that if I wasn't alive I wouldn't have made him so mad.

When I was 7 I told the teachers that I wanted to kill myself and I was written up and sent home. Ever since then, My parents never took it seriously, especially my dad, he didn't want to accept that me or my brother were mentally ill.