Goodbye

[Mynameisnotimportant]

I had an amazing day today but I still feel the invasive dred of depression. I'm going try partial tonight. If that doesn't work I'll try full suspension. I'll keep updated. I'll post more as the night goes on

 

[JustAboutDone]

I'm so glad you had a good day today but sorry that somehow depression has hit you and brought you down now, that's such a shame after the day xx

 

[Scottishchef]

Sorry to hear that your depression is making you very down now how it is when thank blanket of dread comes over you

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

I wish you the best, and hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do <3

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

Update: it really sucks that I'm driven to do this since I'm only 18 and still really haven't done all the things on my "until I can ctb list" but I just can't take living with my grandparents anymore

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

Update: it really sucks that I'm driven to do this since I'm only 18 and still really haven't done all the things on my "until I can ctb list" but I just can't take living with my grandparents anymore

I was going to say, it's pretty awesome that you have chosen to leave on a good day, but then I ask, but what about those last-minute regrets of things as yet undone? Will that not put a bit of a pall on things?

Either way, I wish you love peace and kindness. May you find that which you seek.

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

but what about those last-minute regrets of things as yet undone.

So far I haven't
- made out with a girl
- watched all the movies on my bucket list

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

So far I haven't
- made out with a girl
- watched all the movies on my bucket list

That looks a completely achievable bucket list... unless your movie list contains 'quantum' movies that haven't been made yet...

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

That looks a completely achievable bucket list... unless your movie list contains 'quantum' movies that haven't been made yet...

Yeah but it will be fine. I don't care that much about ahieving everything I just want the pain to end

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

Yeah but it will be fine. I don't care that much about ahieving everything I just want the pain to end

Oh... don't we all?

I've been wanting it to end for so long.

And so I am in no position to say, oh go on, prolong the agony.

And I know I've never gotten round to reading War & Peace or the entire Bronte back-catalogue or even Spinoza's Ethics.

And I probably never will.

And so I wish you all that I possibly can: peace and kindness.



This poem by Naomi Shihab Nye, is for you.



Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

 

[TheCrow]

So far I haven't
- made out with a girl
- watched all the movies on my bucket list

I completely understand. I lived with my grandparents, too, at your age, and it can have it's difficulties. Old people live so much differently than young people. It did get better though, little by little as I eventually moved out on my own. I look back now and miss them every day.

I also find that it's hard for women to find other women. I don't have a great answer for that other than maybe if you're in college, see if there are any LGBT groups, and sometimes you can meet people that way. Also in my city, there is a certain part of town and certain bars that are known to have more women, so maybe seek something like that out. And there's always online, that sometimes works. Idk, but I feel you on that one.

 

[TheCrow]

This poem by Naomi Shihab Nye, is for you.



Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho
lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,
you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,
only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to gaze at bread,
only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.

Just beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

Update: partials not working. I'm using a belt and a washcloth around it to cushion it. What could I be doing wrong?

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

Update: it's working now. I've got the know at the front of my neck

 

[aneurysm]

would you mind streaming it? Thanks and good luck.

it's possible to stream this website?

 

[spaghetti]

it's possible to stream this website?

No it's not. I think its a good thing because it helps a little bit to keep people from dying for only the sake of an audience , but if someone really wants to have people watch them do it, then there is certainly still the option of just posting a link to a website that does allow it.

 

[bigj75]

What was it that you did to make partial work?

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

I am sure that this is a terrible thing to ask, but would you mind streaming it? Thanks and good luck.

I'm not going to stream it on the off chance someone I know sees it

 

[Memento Mori]

No it's not. I think its a good thing because it helps a little bit to keep people from dying for only the sake of an audience , but if someone really wants to have people watch them do it, then there is certainly still the option of just posting a link to a website that does allow it.

If it's meant to help then why did u write "I am sure that this is a terrible thing to ask" ? Sounds like you're more interested in seeing it, no offense.



Shouldn't there be any law in your country that gives you chances to get away from your 'home', even with 18yrs ? Or any friends? That may be a dumb suggestion but summer's coming, living outside for some time can be more peaceful with enough knowdlegde than living in a hell with four walls. Don't know if thats an option at your location.

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

What was it that you did to make partial work?

I taped the end of the belt together And hung it on the door knob. I leaded back with the belt and door knob directly above my neck

 

[spaghetti]

I taped the end of the belt together And hung it on the door knob. I leaded back with the belt and door knob directly above my neck

Given that this thread doesn't seem to have a too definite of a topic and that you're still breathing as of two minutes ago, would you mind specifically explaining why you want to die? You mention that depression invades, but that's not really specific. Anyway, thanks for the good thread regardless of whether you are physically able to respond to this post.

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

Given that this thread doesn't seem to have a too definite of a topic and that you're still breathing as of two minutes ago, would you mind specifically explaining why you want to die? You mention that depression invades, but that's not really specific. Anyway, thanks for the good thread regardless of whether you are physically able to respond to this post.

It's lame but depression is my only reason

 

[spaghetti]

It's lame but depression is my only reason

Well, such an intangible reason that you cannot reach out and touch it physically is either impossible or impossibly easy to fix. Maybe I explained that poorly, but I think you know what I mean. Anyway, I hope you have good luck!

 

[21Neberg]

I taped the end of the belt together And hung it on the door knob. I leaded back with the belt and door knob directly above my neck

This thread: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/partial-this-makes-all-the-difference.10716/
has some information about partial that worked for me.

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

Update: there's a black bump on my eye

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

Update: I'm going to the hospital

 

[TheCrow]

I looked at your insta, and you are adorable. I hope everything ends up being ok.

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

I am sure that this is a terrible thing to ask, but would you mind streaming it? Thanks and good luck.

weirdo

 

[Macc Lad]

I am sure that this is a terrible thing to ask, but would you mind streaming it? Thanks and good luck.

are you one of those people that slows down to look at a car crash ??

 

[Macc Lad]

I had an amazing day today but I still feel the invasive dred of depression. I'm going try partial tonight. If that doesn't work I'll try full suspension. I'll keep updated. I'll post more as the night goes on

so sad when a 18 year old feels this way......breaks my heart......hope you find peace my friend x