Venting Going out alone

[Meru]

Needless to say, I want to die but im scared of dying alone like most people. I don't know whats on the "other side" besides when my grandmother briefly stopped living, when she came back she said it was nothing. Id like to believe that, hopefully its nothing with no feelings, no emotions, no "aftermath" just pure nothingness. that sounds like peace to me.
However i will never know what truely happens unless I bite the bullet. But for now, I wish I could meet someone my age in person, with the same desires for death and self sabotage. Truth is, I dont want to get better. Ive self harmed for most of my life and I dont plan on stopping, but I hate having the "stop doing it, for me!" with friends and possible partners.
I want to end my life, but for the time being I wish to be with someone who accepts that and loves me regardless if I plan on dying soon, or if i cut myself repeatedly, or if i just lay in bed all day sulking. I had a traumatizing experience in high school, where I had a boyfriend and I told him my plans like an idiot. He pinned me on his bed and sobbed all over my face begging me not to kill myself, and I was petrified. Maybe im just alone, but I yearn for someone who wont say anything about my scars, and will accept me for who I am. I dont think ill ever find that though, and its okay. I already came to terms I'll possibly die alone, and in a way i dont want to meet anyone anyways. But it would be nice, to have someone bite the bullet alongside me.
I also just long for a connection between someone who has the same views as me in real life, everyone is so against the thought of self harm and suicide, I can never be my true self.
Im thankful for this forum website, this is the only place where I can speak my mind without having to worry about consequences or "please dont!!!"
Thank you guys, have an amazing night.

 

[immoralthinking]

I wish I could meet someone like me too. It's been my dream since I was younger to go out with someone by my side, especially now. It's not really realistic though, is it? It's still possible to befriend someone with the same beliefs, while very difficult in today's world, it's more feasible than finding a suicide partner. Well, never say never I suppose. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are. It is just made a demoralizing chore for us mentally ill people. We are not prioritized in society. No matter what, there are people that love others despite their self destructive habits. I've seen it with my own eyes many times. This is not to trivialize your feelings, I've felt the same since forever, but to give you some solace. I hope one day you can find someone who doesn't reinforce your loneliness, someone who doesn't make you feel like you're forced to keep secrets.

 

[My Song Your Note]

I feel this. though I've never SH'd, I've had suicidal tendencies my whole life. I always get told "but what about us?" yea, what about you? I made your life shit, it would be a relief to you if I disappear. I hide my emotions from everyone, because showing your true self would make people think less of me

 

[Meru]

I feel this. though I've never SH'd, I've had suicidal tendencies my whole life. I always get told "but what about us?" yea, what about you? I made your life shit, it would be a relief to you if I disappear. I hide my emotions from everyone, because showing your true self would make people think less of me

I hate people that say "it's selfish to die, you're leaving us behind!" but they dont have our mental illnesses, our life, the struggles we deal with everyday. if anything theyre the selfish ones for trying to keep us here while we are so unhappy

I wish I could meet someone like me too. It's been my dream since I was younger to go out with someone by my side, especially now. It's not really realistic though, is it? It's still possible to befriend someone with the same beliefs, while very difficult in today's world, it's more feasible than finding a suicide partner. Well, never say never I suppose. There are people out there who will accept you for who you are. It is just made a demoralizing chore for us mentally ill people. We are not prioritized in society. No matter what, there are people that love others despite their self destructive habits. I've seen it with my own eyes many times. This is not to trivialize your feelings, I've felt the same since forever, but to give you some solace. I hope one day you can find someone who doesn't reinforce your loneliness, someone who doesn't make you feel like you're forced to keep secrets.

Thank you, i hope the same for you too!