Venting Girlfriend of 5 years revealed something to me that has me sick to my stomach. I don't know if I'm overreacting, I haven't said anything to her

[inevitableandplannd]

My partner revealed to me she likes those pornographic audios with dirty talk and"aftercare", the ones usually styled to feel very intimate and personal.

She claims she would prefer me to that, but I don't have a sexy voice by any stretch of the imagination and my body leaves much to be desired.

Much earlier in our relationship, she named a specific pornstar she watched with a particular giggle smacking of porn-crush girlgooner brain that gave me a similar nauseating feeling in my stomach.

I can't imagine being intimate with her again without thinking I'd just be acting out some amalgamation of hotter guys she's seen or heard in porn, while she just uses imagination to do the rest and fully replace me during the act. I feel disgusted and used, and more than that I feel ashamed that I ever allowed myself to be vulnerable with another human being to that level while being overweight. I should have known that it would end poorly.

I haven't said anything about this to her because I know it sounds paranoid, and I don't want to put words in her mouth or make her deal with these emotions while they're still running high, but my next therapy session is weeks out and I can't ruminate on it until then, she will notice.

To answer the obvious, yes, I've been touched inappropriately by women before, yes, she knows that, lol. I know my sexuality and ideas around it are nonstandard, so I'm trying to be respectful and understanding.

 

[identity0]

Your reaction seems odd to me. I think if i were with someone and they revealed that, then i would just take it as a good thing that they were revealing something intimate and being open about their desires, and it gives you knowledge about some ideas you can try to do things enjoyable for her. You don't have to do things you dont want to, obviously. You dont have to be able to be able to fulfill every fantasy she imagines, nobody can do that for anyone. Clearly she is attracted to you or she wouldnt be with you, it's subjective whether you have an attractive body or sexy voice. Many, many people enjoy porn and it doesnt mean they dont appreciate their partners or that they mentally replace them.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'd just be acting out some amalgamation of hotter guys she's seen or heard in porn, while she just uses imagination to do the rest and fully replace me during the act. I feel disgusted and used,

maybe explain your feelings and your pov? i can understand why it would feel.....idk the right word but i know i feel this weird upsetting feeling in my chest trying to place the feeling name. and it makes sense that you would feel that way like "why are you even doing it with me?" and it can make you feel less than.
nothing against her personally it just makes you uncomfortable

 

[inevitableandplannd]

explain your feelings and your pov

good advice; communication fixes a lot. when i have my "ego defense mechanisms" disarmed so i can go in with an open mind, i'll try to gently approach the conversation when the time is right.

Thank you for the validation as well, it means a lot

You dont have to be able to be able to fulfill every fantasy she imagines, nobody can do that for anyone. Clearly she is attracted to you or she wouldnt be with you, it's subjective whether you have an attractive body or sexy voice. Many, many people enjoy porn and it doesnt mean they dont appreciate their partners or that they mentally replace them.

Appreciate the perspective, perhaps I was thinking too much of myself, insecure ab not being enough & projecting that.

 

[casual_existence]

Some people go around chasing a certain high that they can only get from certain places and this is something that you would have to determine on how much to let by. Like a really easy example is military couples. One of them ends up having an affair presumably because they're lonely so at that point there's two main choices stay or try to work it out. Or just act out impulsively though this will probably lead to greater pain as we can see in this post where you felt a pain and while you didn't break up immediately it's something that happens in younger couples. This is also a great source of regret because if the other person doesn't act impulsively they'll probably recognize it and might take into consideration when they next assess their relationship (this doesn't happen consciously most of the time).
This is probably one of the main reasons that I struggle to imagine myself in a relationship. Too complicated lol.

 

[astr4]

My partner revealed to me she likes those pornographic audios with dirty talk and"aftercare", the ones usually styled to feel very intimate and personal.

She claims she would prefer me to that, but I don't have a sexy voice by any stretch of the imagination and my body leaves much to be desired.

i would take that claim at face value, ngl, she has no reason to be with you if she finds you unattractive, right? clearly you're offering something to the relationship or she would just move on. do you also consume porn? there are men who are in long term relationships who still do, sometimes it's not about your partner, sometimes you just wanna jerk one off fast, and it's like scratching an itch, not necessarily about the intimacy. i think the same is valid for women.

 

[inevitableandplannd]

Spoke w her coming from a place of wanting to understand, with my emotions explainable but not influencing my words or willingness to hear. She listened and responded in a loving, gentle way that helped me understand and not feel insecure. I thanked her for being patient in the face of a conversation that must have been uncomfortable for her as well. We cool now

 

[Blue Dream]

I can't imagine being intimate with her again without thinking I'd just be acting out some amalgamation of hotter guys she's seen or heard in porn, while she just uses imagination to do the rest and fully replace me during the act.

This is what most hetero women grapple with throughout their sex lives because finding a man that doesn't regularly consume porn is like finding a needle in a haystack.

Either you learn to stomach that feeling or find someone else who doesn't consume porn.

 

[ylenol]

I'd feel sick knowing my partner uses pornographic audios of other men to fulfill whatever desire when I'm right here. There would be no amount of "reassurance" that would persuade me they still sees me, hears me while making love.
In what world is consuming pornographic content assumed to be normal while in a relationship rather than the opposite.

 

[Life_and_Death]

In what world is consuming pornographic content assumed to be normal while in a relationship rather than the opposite.

one where theyre comfortable with themselves, secure with each other and accepting of the other

 

[ylenol]

one where theyre comfortable with themselves, secure with each other and accepting of the other

Odd take, you being comfortable with yourself has nothing to do not wanting your partner to share part of their intimity with others, the content they consume is real, the people partaking in it are too, they're just not here.
You're simply used to this type of content to the point you think it's normal.
I'm not entertainment number x to be played with when bored with y, sex has more value than the act in itself.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Odd take

its an "odd take" to be mentally/physically healthy and secure. now thats odd.

theres a difference between an opinion, which an individual can have, and general facts.
most people that are mentally/physically healthy/secure with themselves (which op mentioned not being) can be ok with their significant other watching or reading something else.
in the context of op it is a little concerning, but it can also be healthy. its called roleplaying where youre not yourself, so technically by your definition, people shouldnt ever role play, "its not healthy".
one can be mentally/physically healthy/secure and still decide its uncomfortable for them, yes. but its not steadfast rule in every relationship and having control over your SO like that is typically a good way to end up breaking up, but no yeah thats "better", controlling a human and telling them what they can and cant do.

 

[inevitableandplannd]

sex has more value than the act in itself.

this is what was making me feel bad. after some exploration of the topic, for some people, this is not the case with pornography (as opposed to one-on-one communication or contact with another, live individual for sexual purposes). I can barely parse this, because for me the two are interlinked and i dislike porn for that reason, but I understand that it is reality. I can't imagine every aspect of how glass is made, but I still have windows.

GF has her own set of traumas that aren't mine to disclose, that also affect her view of intimacy and sex, making our opinions align in some ways and differ in others. I know she will not cheat on me physically or emotionally, and she knows the same about me.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Odd take, you being comfortable with yourself has nothing to do not wanting your partner to share part of their intimity with others, the content they consume is real, the people partaking in it are too, they're just not here.
You're simply used to this type of content to the point you think it's normal.
I'm not entertainment number x to be played with when bored with y, sex has more value than the act in itself.

I'm glad to see someone having this opinion, I think very similarly. I think the acceptance of watching porn as being normal under the guise of "being comfortable" is a fallacy and I relate a lot to what OP said about having a hard time being intimate with his partner again. Consuming porn is common, it's not normal.
No matter how you look at it, it's a case of one person in the relationship having their intimate wishes fulfilled elsewhere with someone else. I don't think that should be considered normal. Normal should be to have your wishes fulfilled with the person you're with instead of "outsourcing" intimacy elsewhere.

Then there is another issue with porn usage which is, you may get used to being aroused by things which don't translate to real life, or develop unhealthy sexual habits which can then translate to sexual dysfunction. Sexual dysfunction doesn't go away easy at all, it can be incredibly damaging in the relationship and then trying to fix it results in it not being covered by insurance or gigantic waiting lists on the NHS, etc.

In the end, one may have specific sexual desires, but I think the person should speak with their partner and satisfy those desires with them. There's no reason to consume that kind of content when your loving partner is right there.

its an "odd take" to be mentally/physically healthy and secure. now thats odd.

theres a difference between an opinion, which an individual can have, and general facts.
most people that are mentally/physically healthy/secure with themselves (which op mentioned not being) can be ok with their significant other watching or reading something else.
in the context of op it is a little concerning, but it can also be healthy. its called roleplaying where youre not yourself, so technically by your definition, people shouldnt ever role play, "its not healthy".
one can be mentally/physically healthy/secure and still decide its uncomfortable for them, yes. but its not steadfast rule in every relationship and having control over your SO like that is typically a good way to end up breaking up, but no yeah thats "better", controlling a human and telling them what they can and cant do.

This looks like a lot of deflecting. There's no issue with roleplaying in general, the issue is having your intimacy needs satisfied with another person whilst you're in a relationship. I don't think @ylenol spoke about controlling the partner at all, it's simple respect. If you're in a monogamous relationship, you should be intimate with your partner, not through random videos or audios of other people. If the other person still wants to do that and doesn't respect their partner, then their partner may decide to break up the relationship. There's no control here, control would be to force the other person to not consume said content and no one spoke about forcing anyone, only that a person may feel hurt when their partner outsources their intimacy.

There's a lot more negative effects coming off of porn consumption than positive anyway, just look at how common sexual dysfunction is due to porn usage. People should value their partners feelings more, invest more in the relationship instead of pursuing this stuff outside of it, there's no reason to do so.

 

[Chinaski]

Watching/engaging with porn is not cheating imo, i can see how it may colour ones view of their partner if they're so up front about it but literally everyone in a long term relationship will be forced to suppress sexual desires which do not involve their partner, there is not a man on the planet who can say they have definitely not made themselves cum whilst thinking about a woman who isn't their gf, the wayward desire is to be expected, it's the discipline that's important.

 

[Aergia]

Spoke w her coming from a place of wanting to understand, with my emotions explainable but not influencing my words or willingness to hear. She listened and responded in a loving, gentle way that helped me understand and not feel insecure. I thanked her for being patient in the face of a conversation that must have been uncomfortable for her as well. We cool now

major props for being able to acknowledge the possibility of your insecurity impacting your perception + looking past your instinctive emotional reaction to understand the situation and communicate your feelings. i think a lot of dudes would not have handled that as well.

 

[gogoprince]

Okay but did you have a conversation about boundaries before this? I'm not saying there aren't potential reasons why you might not want your gf to consume porn, or this particular kind of porn but 1) those reasons have to be discussed, 2) those reasons have to be VALID and 3) you can't maintain a double standard.

She might have a crush on this pornstar, but that's hardly romantic so I don't see how it affects you. I'm sure you've seen hot girls and felt attracted to them, no? That doesn't mean she, or you are thinking about those people when you have sex.

 

[Life_and_Death]

This looks like a lot of deflecting.

whatever you want to believe. im exhausted by pointless "arguing" especially with people that "mean nothing to me" on the internet (your not a loved one, youre an extremely temporary moment in my life.)

i stated my opinion (and yes i didnt explain out every single individual detail), no its not every single case, i stated that. that last part about breaking up you mentioned is one of the things i said/left out. i made a general statement about breaking up. never stated who was doing it just that it would lead to it. yes it can cause issues, but not every time and if its causing issues then it wouldnt be too "healthy", so my point still kinda stands.

If you're in a monogamous relationship, you should be intimate with your partner, not through random videos or audios of other people.

to me this sounds like youre referring to every time. no that would be unhealthy (unless thats what theyre cool with). but if youre SO is busy/tired or whatever and isnt interested they cant? which would lead to another issue, and most likely a break up just cuz the other was tired.

like everything else in life, to a degree, theres got to be a give/take. (this is why some people prefer poly, theres an understanding that its unrealistic for 1 person to fill all of your needs without asking too much of them)

i dont have anything to deflect. im more honest with myself than id actually like to be. just stating a view (that seemed to work out for op), but sure

 

[Chinaski]

GUY WATCHES PORN: I'm neuwodiverse uwu this is addiction, affliction, pwease do not tell my wife

WOMAN WATCHES PORN: wait this is the devil's personal slut burn at stake asap imo

 

[astr4]

seems this has already been resolved, maybe it's time to close this thread.

 

[Chinaski]

seems this has already been resolved, maybe it's time to close this thread.

Apply to be a mod, they're advertising. Then you won't have to drive from the back seat with a plastic steering wheel.