Story Ghost-like identity after trauma with ctb as the sole (wanted) purpose/mission?

[skeletontree]

I've often wondered whether there are others who feel or have had a similar experience when it comes to their existence and their reasons for wanting to ctb. It's the first time I'm trying to write down what I actually feel from the perspective of my internal world (it's a bit abstract, but I think you might get the idea). Feel free to respond, or if you have questions or can relate to aspects.

---
There used to be a child who grew up without a safe space, a safe person, or even a safe state. Instead, it faced violence, neglect, and abuse (sexual and psychological). When that child turned 13, the violence culminated (that's when the sexual abuse happened), and it killed the child; it was gone forever (psychological/ego death?). No one witnessed it, no one even knew that it "died". But the body remained, hollow and poisoned. So whatever might emerge or inhabit the body from that moment on would be poisoned too.

And then, out of all that violence, like a byproduct, something different emerged: a ghost-like entity (me). It was not the child, nor did it feel any connection or continuity with the child. Some broken fragments of the child were inherited by the ghost, but without the emotions or fears attached to them. It felt more like archive material, the story of someone else (identity built upon dissociation / split identity as a defensive mechanism?).

The ghost carried this "I'm already dead" feeling from the moment it was born out of violence. But that was not all. The ghost was also trapped between two worlds: an internal world ("ghost-like / already dead") and a social world ("masking / body as a container / living beings perceiving me as just another human"). The ghost made sure that the world of the living (the social world) would not crash into the internal one, because that would pose a risk or threat to the only mission/desire it has: to end this existence permanently, to complete or finish the story of the child. Not only is the outcome important, but also the "how", the method.

That is: to ctb as peaceful as possible (eg. SN): to leave quietly, deliberately, without chaos. It will still be painful (mentally) and rough to get through, but it is exactly what I want. With all the consequences (no return/no more chances/participation/existence). That is what everything is about for me (the ghost), what keeps me away from disintegrating or stagnation… my whole identity, the only thing I want to do. Authorship of the ending, not of existence, not of life, but the ending. A self-chosen tragic ending. That is also what I've been training and rehearsing for, over and over again. Or to make it more poetic: I did not choose the beginning. I only want to choose the last page.

The ghost is highly analytical (while also carrying empathy and some emotions, but only outward, not inward toward itself) and has a fully functioning, closed-loop structure. There is even an internal hierarchy that prioritizes different aspects. It looks something like this:

1. Autonomy / Authorship: Absolute priority; interference is perceived as violence/threats.
2. Ending on One's Own Terms (suicide): Ensures control and completion; tightly bound to identity. Control is deliberately surrendered in the final moment (suicide/death).
3. Stability / Mental Integrity: Analytical clarity, planning, and controlled emotional engagement. Only needed to complete the story/mission (ctb/permanent non-consciousness).
4. Ongoing Life: Lowest or no priority; actively undesired unless unavoidable (maintenance of minimal bodily functions to reach the main mission/goals).

The ghost uses the social world and the body (maintaining it at a minimal level) to gather resources and accomplish its mission. Not all people or living beings are seen as a threat, but anything that might interfere with or prevent the mission is perceived as one.

The ghost also learned mimicry (language, social identity, behavior, etc.) as a tool to minimize potential interference. It is not driven by pain or the wish for "relief" through death, but by the desire to finish a story. It is highly aware of all the different paths and possibilities (and different possible future versions) that might exist, but it rejects all of them because it rejects life/existence (positive, neutral, or negative participation) in its entirety. Life/existence is not black and white, and neither are death and everything else, from the ghost's perspective.

The ghost is also aware that it is not "literally already dead." It understands how traumatic experiences work and how they caused all of this, but that knowledge does not change anything for the ghost. There is only one exact way it wants the story to end: to achieve "death" through its own actions, as peacefully as possible.

It carries no desire for life, survival, joy, or happiness. This also meant that whenever society tried to "fix" the ghost through therapy (nine years, various forms), it always ended with the same result: no change. Therapy can only work in certain cases, and usually only when both sides genuinely work together.

The goal/mission (ctb and the possibility of it) functions like a stabilizer, but it has also become the only drive, purpose, or pivot of the identity.
-> "The system achieves stability by sacrificing the subject. It prevents harm replication outward, at the cost of self-erasure inward."

It is like an internal mythology (a defensive mechanism) that developed after the child "died." The ghost also has small rehearsal rituals (e.g., self-written songs and tattoos) to reinforce its fortress and pave the path toward the goal. Writing things down (like this text) is one way to speed up time, but also kinda a ritual itself?

Now, shifting from the analytical perspective to the emotional side: the effects of trauma on the body are persistent: exhaustion, pain, flashbacks, intrusions, and so on. So yes, there is a lot of pain, extreme pain, which of course plays a key role in how and why the ghost became what it is.

I think one of the most exhausting parts is masking all the time, to be hyper-vigilant 24/7: scanning every room, every tone shift, every micro-expression. Smiling at the right moment. Nodding when expected. Saying "I'm fine" with the correct intonation. Performing "aliveness". It's like another nightmare, draining energy, but not enough to make me change course/direction.

But most of that happens in the social world. The internal world feels more like calm, numb, clear, analytical. Inside, there is no noise. No one else. Only structure.
It's like an entirely different ontology, with its own values and structure. And also with sidequests (for as long as they don't interfere with the main one): supporting others (animals/friends/people with similar experience) and reducing as much violence in the social world as possible. -> I prevent harm from spilling outward = If it must exist, I will not replicate the violence I came from.

But yeah, the act of ctb could also be defined/seen as one act of violence (depending on your ontology/value-system). But in my case it has one specific distinction: it is self-chosen and directed inward. That also means: I try to minimize the impact of my "death" as much as I can, without falling for the illusion, that it won't create new pain or trauma (for friends or others). My (ghost) existence = my decision to end or continue it.

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Is there anyone here who has a similar internal world/feeling/identity/story? If so, have you ever told anyone about it before? When did you realize you were stuck between two worlds? And how does it feel? Does yours feel coherent internally? Mine for example kinda feels coherent, but I also wouldn't care if it were incoherent or deemed wrong by others.

(P.S. The word "ghost" is just one attempt to describe this identity/internal world. There are no real words that can 1:1 describe how it actually feels to me.)

 

[rainbowpuker]

Hello twin lol , I will
respond properly , hope your ok :)

 

[simplymiserable]

Is there anyone here who has a similar internal world/feeling/identity/story? If so, have you ever told anyone about it before? When did you realize you were stuck between two worlds? And how does it feel? Does yours feel coherent internally? Mine for example kinda feels coherent, but I also wouldn't care if it were incoherent or deemed wrong by others.

Had incident when I was 8 years old where my dad went into a frenzy on the road driving recklessly and accelerating because he was unhappy with me over something very petty. I developed a complex after that that I died on the road that day because even though nothing actually happened besides being rattled, I felt like my life could be so easily taken away from me in that moment. I've always had a sense of "I'm already dead" because the shock of being in such a dangerous situation left me feeling like I should be dead and I'm on borrowed time. This feeling has left me feeling slightly maimed like there's resistance in everyday life and it stunted my growth. Guess that's the ghost feeling u mentioned. I don't know how close that is to your predicament but I feel like there are similarities

 

[skeletontree]

Had incident when I was 8 years old where my dad went into a frenzy on the road driving recklessly and accelerating because he was unhappy with me over something very petty. I developed a complex after that that I died on the road that day because even though nothing actually happened besides being rattled, I felt like my life could be so easily taken away from me in that moment. I've always had a sense of "I'm already dead" because the shock of being in such a dangerous situation left me feeling like I should be dead and I'm on borrowed time. This feeling has left me feeling slightly maimed like there's resistance in everyday life and it stunted my growth. Guess that's the ghost feeling u mentioned. I don't know how close that is to your predicament but I feel like there are similarities

Thanks for sharing that.

Yes I can relate to the "already dead" feeling after a shock like that, like something fundamental shifted and everyday life or existence in general never felt the same afterward. The sense of being on borrowed time, or slightly misaligned with the world, resonates with me. It's strange how (in some cases) one moment can create an internal narrative that lingers for years, and how whole new worlds and identities can emerge from it.

I'd be curious to hear, do you notice how that internal narrative affects the way you move through life/existence, even in small ways?

 

[simplymiserable]

I'd be curious to hear, do you notice how that internal narrative affects the way you move through life/existence, even in small ways?

Probably because I was so young at the time my thinking was very childish, but my coping mechanism since then that I never really outgrew was subconsciously an internal monologue that goes: 'who cares I'm supposed to be dead'. It's prevented me from achieving anything at all because obviously it's very negative energy that hinders goal setting and success oriented thinking. There is a silver lining though which is that i don't waste time on societal expectations and conventions like materialism or even going to college. Since Ive become avoidant Ive sabotaged my life and run from happiness but also run from bs at the same time

 

[Uncounted1846]

Had incident when I was 8 years old where my dad went into a frenzy on the road driving recklessly and accelerating because he was unhappy with me over something very petty. I developed a complex after that that I died on the road that day because even though nothing actually happened besides being rattled, I felt like my life could be so easily taken away from me in that moment. I've always had a sense of "I'm already dead" because the shock of being in such a dangerous situation left me feeling like I should be dead and I'm on borrowed time. This feeling has left me feeling slightly maimed like there's resistance in everyday life and it stunted my growth. Guess that's the ghost feeling u mentioned. I don't know how close that is to your predicament but I feel like there are similarit

being in such a dangerous situation left me feeling like I should be dead and I'm on borrowed time.

I relate so much to this and how it feels like a part of you died as a sort of survival mechanism. I grew up with a lot of emotional, physical, and psychological abuse. Memories that still haunt me are a big part of why I feel like I can't go on anymore. EMDR hasn't helped. Talk therapy hasn't helped. IOP hasn't helped. Medicine reduces my anxiety, but it doesn't erase the flashbacks either.

 

[skeletontree]

I relate so much to this and how it feels like a part of you died as a sort of survival mechanism. I grew up with a lot of emotional, physical, and psychological abuse. Memories that still haunt me are a big part of why I feel like I can't go on anymore. EMDR hasn't helped. Talk therapy hasn't helped. IOP hasn't helped. Medicine reduces my anxiety, but it doesn't erase the flashbacks either.

Same here. I tried EMDR, talk therapy, and other kinds of therapy, but none of it ever helped or changed anything for me. And I really tried. But the nightmares never became less frequent, nor did they ever stop. So the flashbacks, the thoughts, and this underlying feeling "I can't go on like this, but I'm not really alive either", have just kept spinning over and over again.

@simplymiserable:

who cares I'm supposed to be dead

It's prevented me from achieving anything at all because obviously it's very negative energy that hinders goal setting and success oriented thinking

These two hit hard because I can totally relate to them, that's basically how I felt back then.

I can also relate to what you wrote about not caring about social expectations, demands, or conventions, and feeling like it's just a waste of time. They always felt off to me, like an illusion, something that would never really fit or feel right to me.

 

[rainbowpuker]

Thanks for sharing that.

Yes I can relate to the "already dead" feeling after a shock like that, like something fundamental shifted and everyday life or existence in general never felt the same afterward. The sense of being on borrowed time, or slightly misaligned with the world, resonates with me. It's strange how (in some cases) one moment can create an internal narrative that lingers for years, and how whole new worlds and identities can emerge from it.

I'd be curious to hear, do you notice how that internal narrative affects the way you move through life/existence, even in small ways?

Hello twin , I'm 44 m from uk , I have had a crazy life I was diagnosed at age 42 as borderline personality disorder and adhd combined type, bulimia, complex ptsd , I had a very bad life as a child ,No food in house , i was stealing raw sausages from fridge and sucking the meat out of them , raw , eating sugar , from The bowl , I was born to a paranoid schizophrenic mother and a father who had mental health problems, probably bpd / bipolar , in the 80s no one knew what this was , he always drs k stole house money , battered my mom , battered us kids , he attempted suicide multiple times ,,he's dead now so he must of succeeded one time , I was sexually abused by a older sister (I don't blame her she acting out what she's witnessed / experienced) , my dad would savagely beat my mother in the house , stamping kicking , broken bones . and me and my 2 brothers + 2 sisters would be powerless to stop it , all just young kids , screaming crying in kitchen watching mom begging for him to stop

The attacks , my father would also rape my mom , and father would put me in the bedroom
And I'd witness the attacks , sad I know , but my mom , although a victim she was not innocent , she was a big woman probably about 20 stone / 280 lbs , she would get naked and used to period / menstruate and stand in the door frame and posture her body and make me watch the blood drip from her , in to a bowl of water , beneath her , as well as another time she called me to a room I came in bounding and excited And she pinned me down and burned me with an iron (laundry) all This before 4 years old , I have social services reports from local authority and it's paints a very bad picture my mom Stabbed / sliced one of my siblings yet we where allowed to reside with them , I was taken to a foster home at 4/5 years old , again horrific violence and beetings by the foster parents who only did this to get money , they made us lie and say we slept in the house but we didn't we slept on driveway in a caravan , but during this time I lived there I was taken to a local nursery / play centre for rest bite for the foster parents as well

It was basically a show room to be shown and advertised to future parents looking to adopt , however during this time at this play centre I was sexually abused horrifically by a man who was obviously very old . Gray hair wrinkled skin, a nursery worker took me off in to the office and it was here where the sexual abuse took place , penetration,forced to pose for photos , he tried to force his penis in to my mouth whist squeezing my face , I was 6 years old , it happend multiple times at this location ! Violence , physical assaults and I was told it was MEDICAL , nah it wasn't

Even when I was adopted at 8/9 it wasn't great, I went to a couple who where scout leader and rainbow guide leaders , they where glorified care givers not really mom n dad and again religious (Christian) and abusive , would assault me viciously, scramming face , stabbed with fork , headbutted , etc , and my younger brother , mentally tortured us , tell us we should be grateful and if we didn't like it to basically piss off , there multi millionaires but they never gave me a penny , no financial assistance at all , I went zero contact with them 12 years ago


As I have matured and grown , now 44 , soon to be 45 , it's taken its toll from me , I think about it every single day , some days worst than others , the violence neglect abuse horrific and it's honestly ruined my life , my relationships with people ,

A ghost of my self just spiritually drifting through this life , what ever this even is , I mean where in a rock blasting through space

I myself , I have 4 children with 3 different women , I have issues in relationships every time , I have no friends , I don't like to really leave my house , I don't like being to with with people. So I put my mask on do what I gotta and get out of dodge

I have had low paid shitty jobs all my life , a chef when I started my working life , night club bouncer.a Techy in computer repair / sales shop

My things im proud of is having traveled around the world , Thailand , vegas . Orlando . Miami , Greek islands , uk a lot ,

My Photography I used to love go somewhere n get lost with my camera , and have passion for it , but it's just lost now I don't do now as the fire /passion for everything I do has evaporated

Travelling now to me is a problem due to stress , complex ptsd , money , ill be excited to go to Thailand but have a melt down when I'm there n want to come home

I'm kind of ready to leave this place , earth , as I don't see things changing fir me in future

I'm medicated on adhd meds plus now given anti anxiety meds that I'm awaiting for , been trialed on diffo anti depression meds but still trying

I don't work , due to my mental issues , as I am likely to explode when there bear gets poked

Don't really have a fun at home life , arguing with partner a lot , arguing over our child's behaviour , money issues etc , her toxic shitty ex husband and kids

Im Just so fucking done twin

I see a therapist an have had about 15 1 hour session a, I have had rewind therapy's done as well and I have undertaken a 4 week trauma class with suicide awareness etc I'm awaiting 12 weeks of intense emdr

 

[skeletontree]

Hello twin , I'm 44 m from uk , I have had a crazy life I was diagnosed at age 42 as borderline personality disorder and adhd combined type, bulimia, complex ptsd , I had a very bad life as a child ,No food in house , i was stealing raw sausages from fridge and sucking the meat out of them , raw , eating sugar , from The bowl , I was born to a paranoid schizophrenic mother and a father who had mental health problems, probably bpd / bipolar , in the 80s no one knew what this was , he always drs k stole house money , battered my mom , battered us kids , he attempted suicide multiple times ,,he's dead now so he must of succeeded one time , I was sexually abused by a older sister (I don't blame her she acting out what she's witnessed / experienced) , my dad would savagely beat my mother in the house , stamping kicking , broken bones . and me and my 2 brothers + 2 sisters would be powerless to stop it , all just young kids , screaming crying in kitchen watching mom begging for him to stop

The attacks , my father would also rape my mom , and father would put me in the bedroom
And I'd witness the attacks , sad I know , but my mom , although a victim she was not innocent , she was a big woman probably about 20 stone / 280 lbs , she would get naked and used to period / menstruate and stand in the door frame and posture her body and make me watch the blood drip from her , in to a bowl of water , beneath her , as well as another time she called me to a room I came in bounding and excited And she pinned me down and burned me with an iron (laundry) all This before 4 years old , I have social services reports from local authority and it's paints a very bad picture my mom Stabbed / sliced one of my siblings yet we where allowed to reside with them , I was taken to a foster home at 4/5 years old , again horrific violence and beetings by the foster parents who only did this to get money , they made us lie and say we slept in the house but we didn't we slept on driveway in a caravan , but during this time I lived there I was taken to a local nursery / play centre for rest bite for the foster parents as well

It was basically a show room to be shown and advertised to future parents looking to adopt , however during this time at this play centre I was sexually abused horrifically by a man who was obviously very old . Gray hair wrinkled skin, a nursery worker took me off in to the office and it was here where the sexual abuse took place , penetration,forced to pose for photos , he tried to force his penis in to my mouth whist squeezing my face , I was 6 years old , it happend multiple times at this location ! Violence , physical assaults and I was told it was MEDICAL , nah it wasn't

Even when I was adopted at 8/9 it wasn't great, I went to a couple who where scout leader and rainbow guide leaders , they where glorified care givers not really mom n dad and again religious (Christian) and abusive , would assault me viciously, scramming face , stabbed with fork , headbutted , etc , and my younger brother , mentally tortured us , tell us we should be grateful and if we didn't like it to basically piss off , there multi millionaires but they never gave me a penny , no financial assistance at all , I went zero contact with them 12 years ago


As I have matured and grown , now 44 , soon to be 45 , it's taken its toll from me , I think about it every single day , some days worst than others , the violence neglect abuse horrific and it's honestly ruined my life , my relationships with people ,

A ghost of my self just spiritually drifting through this life , what ever this even is , I mean where in a rock blasting through space

I myself , I have 4 children with 3 different women , I have issues in relationships every time , I have no friends , I don't like to really leave my house , I don't like being to with with people. So I put my mask on do what I gotta and get out of dodge

I have had low paid shitty jobs all my life , a chef when I started my working life , night club bouncer.a Techy in computer repair / sales shop

My things im proud of is having traveled around the world , Thailand , vegas . Orlando . Miami , Greek islands , uk a lot ,

My Photography I used to love go somewhere n get lost with my camera , and have passion for it , but it's just lost now I don't do now as the fire /passion for everything I do has evaporated

Travelling now to me is a problem due to stress , complex ptsd , money , ill be excited to go to Thailand but have a melt down when I'm there n want to come home

I'm kind of ready to leave this place , earth , as I don't see things changing fir me in future

I'm medicated on adhd meds plus now given anti anxiety meds that I'm awaiting for , been trialed on diffo anti depression meds but still trying

I don't work , due to my mental issues , as I am likely to explode when there bear gets poked

Don't really have a fun at home life , arguing with partner a lot , arguing over our child's behaviour , money issues etc , her toxic shitty ex husband and kids

Im Just so fucking done twin

I see a therapist an have had about 15 1 hour session a, I have had rewind therapy's done as well and I have undertaken a 4 week trauma class with suicide awareness etc I'm awaiting 12 weeks of intense emdr

First of all, thank you, really thank you for sharing all of this, I can only imagine what it might feel like, not only to have experienced all of this, but to write it down / share it. I can relate to so much of it, for I have witnessed/went through similar things.

And I must say it hurts/hits me so much more every time, to hear that someone else had to go through such a culmination of violence and abuse too, than to think about my own painful story/past. Like, I am used to the pain, I grew up with it, I don't know it any other way. But when it's someone else? That's what really breaks me.

"A ghost of my self just spiritually drifting through this life , what ever this even is , I mean where in a rock blasting through space"

That's a very precise description of how I see things and feel too. Especially the latter image, just another fucking rock blasting through this gigantic universe. Just another rock in another universe.

"I myself , I have 4 children with 3 different women , I have issues in relationships every time , I have no friends , I don't like to really leave my house , I don't like being to with with people. So I put my mask on do what I gotta and get out of dodge"

Do you remember when the masking started for you? And does it feel like, a conscious thing (masking) or does it more like just happen automatically?

"My things im proud of is having traveled around the world , Thailand , vegas . Orlando . Miami , Greek islands , uk a lot,"

I also seen quite some places of the world, it kinda helped me to get like a glimpse of "different places" and not only being stuck in the same all the time? Like when I stayed in Japan for a year… it felt like switching the location/taste of the whole nightmarish existence. It might not have changed the nightmare in quality, but in texture. Don't know if that makes sense.

"My Photography I used to love go somewhere n get lost with my camera , and have passion for it , but it's just lost now I don't do now as the fire /passion for everything I do has evaporated"

Yeah. The more "time" had passed, the more some of those passions that I once had evaporated. Like, I could still do some of these things, but they would never feel the same, nor do they have the same type of energy they can give in return. It all just feels hollow/dull. What kind of photography did you do/like?

"Travelling now to me is a problem due to stress , complex ptsd , money , ill be excited to go to Thailand but have a melt down when I'm there n want to come home"

"I'm kind of ready to leave this place , earth , as I don't see things changing fir me in future"

That's exactly the feeling I grew up with and into. 20 years ago, when all the violence and abuse culminated, this exact feeling became the very core (or the only thing left) that is my "identity". This ghost feeling or entity. Long/already gone, for the feeling of "being ready to leave earth/existence/place" has always been the main motif ever seen the violence started.

"I'm medicated on adhd meds plus now given anti anxiety meds that I'm awaiting for , been trialed on diffo anti depression meds but still trying

I don't work , due to my mental issues , as I am likely to explode when there bear gets poked

Don't really have a fun at home life , arguing with partner a lot , arguing over our child's behaviour , money issues etc , her toxic shitty ex husband and kids

Im Just so fucking done twin

I see and feel you twin. I really do. And I wish I could tell you what to do or what might change anything, for we are in a similar boat. But I am in no position to tell others what is right or wrong / or what direction they should take. I kinda made/found a decision to how I go about these things, this pain and ghost existence. All I can do is share my experience and story, and listen to others, like yours. So maybe our interaction here helps a bit, maybe it doesn't.

But yes, there are other ghosts out here/there/wherever. Ghost twins, going through similar heavy stuff, not knowing where or what to do.

"I see a therapist an have had about 15 1 hour session a, I have had rewind therapy's done as well and I have undertaken a 4 week trauma class with suicide awareness etc I'm awaiting 12 weeks of intense emdr"

I'm wishing you luck, for some EMDR helped, maybe it will for you. Maybe it won't change anything, but at least reduce some of the extreme stress and pain and images.

 

[rainbowpuker]

First of all, thank you, really thank you for sharing all of this, I can only imagine what it might feel like, not only to have experienced all of this, but to write it down / share it. I can relate to so much of it, for I have witnessed/went through similar things.

And I must say it hurts/hits me so much more every time, to hear that someone else had to go through such a culmination of violence and abuse too, than to think about my own painful story/past. Like, I am used to the pain, I grew up with it, I don't know it any other way. But when it's someone else? That's what really breaks me.



That's a very precise description of how I see things and feel too. Especially the latter image, just another fucking rock blasting through this gigantic universe. Just another rock in another universe.



Do you remember when the masking started for you? And does it feel like, a conscious thing (masking) or does it more like just happen automatically?



I also seen quite some places of the world, it kinda helped me to get like a glimpse of "different places" and not only being stuck in the same all the time? Like when I stayed in Japan for a year… it felt like switching the location/taste of the whole nightmarish existence. It might not have changed the nightmare in quality, but in texture. Don't know if that makes sense.



Yeah. The more "time" had passed, the more some of those passions that I once had evaporated. Like, I could still do some of these things, but they would never feel the same, nor do they have the same type of energy they can give in return. It all just feels hollow/dull. What kind of photography did you do/like?




That's exactly the feeling I grew up with and into. 20 years ago, when all the violence and abuse culminated, this exact feeling became the very core (or the only thing left) that is my "identity". This ghost feeling or entity. Long/already gone, for the feeling of "being ready to leave earth/existence/place" has always been the main motif ever seen the violence started.




I see and feel you twin. I really do. And I wish I could tell you what to do or what might change anything, for we are in a similar boat. But I am in no position to tell others what is right or wrong / or what direction they should take. I kinda made/found a decision to how I go about these things, this pain and ghost existence. All I can do is share my experience and story, and listen to others, like yours. So maybe our interaction here helps a bit, maybe it doesn't.

But yes, there are other ghosts out here/there/wherever. Ghost twins, going through similar heavy stuff, not knowing where or what to do.



I'm wishing you luck, for some EMDR helped, maybe it will for you. Maybe it won't change anything, but at least reduce some of the extreme stress and pain and images.

Thank you for your beautiful response , I appreciate it ! If I could just run away it would help a whole bunch

Vanish n start again but it's hard life being a drifter / illegal in new country

I will reply again soon to your responses

Thanks twin keep breathing

 

[wishingiwasok]

I've often wondered whether there are others who feel or have had a similar experience when it comes to their existence and their reasons for wanting to ctb. It's the first time I'm trying to write down what I actually feel from the perspective of my internal world (it's a bit abstract, but I think you might get the idea). Feel free to respond, or if you have questions or can relate to aspects.

---
There used to be a child who grew up without a safe space, a safe person, or even a safe state. Instead, it faced violence, neglect, and abuse (sexual and psychological). When that child turned 13, the violence culminated (that's when the sexual abuse happened), and it killed the child; it was gone forever (psychological/ego death?). No one witnessed it, no one even knew that it "died". But the body remained, hollow and poisoned. So whatever might emerge or inhabit the body from that moment on would be poisoned too.

And then, out of all that violence, like a byproduct, something different emerged: a ghost-like entity (me). It was not the child, nor did it feel any connection or continuity with the child. Some broken fragments of the child were inherited by the ghost, but without the emotions or fears attached to them. It felt more like archive material, the story of someone else (identity built upon dissociation / split identity as a defensive mechanism?).

The ghost carried this "I'm already dead" feeling from the moment it was born out of violence. But that was not all. The ghost was also trapped between two worlds: an internal world ("ghost-like / already dead") and a social world ("masking / body as a container / living beings perceiving me as just another human"). The ghost made sure that the world of the living (the social world) would not crash into the internal one, because that would pose a risk or threat to the only mission/desire it has: to end this existence permanently, to complete or finish the story of the child. Not only is the outcome important, but also the "how", the method.

That is: to ctb as peaceful as possible (eg. SN): to leave quietly, deliberately, without chaos. It will still be painful (mentally) and rough to get through, but it is exactly what I want. With all the consequences (no return/no more chances/participation/existence). That is what everything is about for me (the ghost), what keeps me away from disintegrating or stagnation… my whole identity, the only thing I want to do. Authorship of the ending, not of existence, not of life, but the ending. A self-chosen tragic ending. That is also what I've been training and rehearsing for, over and over again. Or to make it more poetic: I did not choose the beginning. I only want to choose the last page.

The ghost is highly analytical (while also carrying empathy and some emotions, but only outward, not inward toward itself) and has a fully functioning, closed-loop structure. There is even an internal hierarchy that prioritizes different aspects. It looks something like this:

1. Autonomy / Authorship: Absolute priority; interference is perceived as violence/threats.
2. Ending on One's Own Terms (suicide): Ensures control and completion; tightly bound to identity. Control is deliberately surrendered in the final moment (suicide/death).
3. Stability / Mental Integrity: Analytical clarity, planning, and controlled emotional engagement. Only needed to complete the story/mission (ctb/permanent non-consciousness).
4. Ongoing Life: Lowest or no priority; actively undesired unless unavoidable (maintenance of minimal bodily functions to reach the main mission/goals).

The ghost uses the social world and the body (maintaining it at a minimal level) to gather resources and accomplish its mission. Not all people or living beings are seen as a threat, but anything that might interfere with or prevent the mission is perceived as one.

The ghost also learned mimicry (language, social identity, behavior, etc.) as a tool to minimize potential interference. It is not driven by pain or the wish for "relief" through death, but by the desire to finish a story. It is highly aware of all the different paths and possibilities (and different possible future versions) that might exist, but it rejects all of them because it rejects life/existence (positive, neutral, or negative participation) in its entirety. Life/existence is not black and white, and neither are death and everything else, from the ghost's perspective.

The ghost is also aware that it is not "literally already dead." It understands how traumatic experiences work and how they caused all of this, but that knowledge does not change anything for the ghost. There is only one exact way it wants the story to end: to achieve "death" through its own actions, as peacefully as possible.

It carries no desire for life, survival, joy, or happiness. This also meant that whenever society tried to "fix" the ghost through therapy (nine years, various forms), it always ended with the same result: no change. Therapy can only work in certain cases, and usually only when both sides genuinely work together.

The goal/mission (ctb and the possibility of it) functions like a stabilizer, but it has also become the only drive, purpose, or pivot of the identity.
-> "The system achieves stability by sacrificing the subject. It prevents harm replication outward, at the cost of self-erasure inward."

It is like an internal mythology (a defensive mechanism) that developed after the child "died." The ghost also has small rehearsal rituals (e.g., self-written songs and tattoos) to reinforce its fortress and pave the path toward the goal. Writing things down (like this text) is one way to speed up time, but also kinda a ritual itself?

Now, shifting from the analytical perspective to the emotional side: the effects of trauma on the body are persistent: exhaustion, pain, flashbacks, intrusions, and so on. So yes, there is a lot of pain, extreme pain, which of course plays a key role in how and why the ghost became what it is.

I think one of the most exhausting parts is masking all the time, to be hyper-vigilant 24/7: scanning every room, every tone shift, every micro-expression. Smiling at the right moment. Nodding when expected. Saying "I'm fine" with the correct intonation. Performing "aliveness". It's like another nightmare, draining energy, but not enough to make me change course/direction.

But most of that happens in the social world. The internal world feels more like calm, numb, clear, analytical. Inside, there is no noise. No one else. Only structure.
It's like an entirely different ontology, with its own values and structure. And also with sidequests (for as long as they don't interfere with the main one): supporting others (animals/friends/people with similar experience) and reducing as much violence in the social world as possible. -> I prevent harm from spilling outward = If it must exist, I will not replicate the violence I came from.

But yeah, the act of ctb could also be defined/seen as one act of violence (depending on your ontology/value-system). But in my case it has one specific distinction: it is self-chosen and directed inward. That also means: I try to minimize the impact of my "death" as much as I can, without falling for the illusion, that it won't create new pain or trauma (for friends or others). My (ghost) existence = my decision to end or continue it.

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Is there anyone here who has a similar internal world/feeling/identity/story? If so, have you ever told anyone about it before? When did you realize you were stuck between two worlds? And how does it feel? Does yours feel coherent internally? Mine for example kinda feels coherent, but I also wouldn't care if it were incoherent or deemed wrong by others.

(P.S. The word "ghost" is just one attempt to describe this identity/internal world. There are no real words that can 1:1 describe how it actually feels to me.)

I never thought of it in these terms but I relate to a lot of what you're saying. My childhood died when I was 4, and the masking started shortly after I started school and realized how dangerous it was to be seen for what I really am by other people. I believed for a long time that turning 18 and pursuing a career and my own life would be an escape to the constant emptiness, pain, play acting and abuse but unfortunately I just ended up being abused by new people. So that's when I started working towards cbt and trying to get everything in order to impact people the least negatively possible. I was within two months of my plan when I had a major life change and I experienced happiness for the first time. Which sounds like a figure of speech but I mean it literally. Before that I thought maybe my trauma and genetics caused a physical inability to make a process dopamine correctly. But then I felt it and was able to feel it many times over the next few years. It kept me living but sometimes I wish it didn't happen. It now feels like I lost that calm control and focus toward death and now when I make cbt plans I find it harder to go through with it because I'm mourning the happiness and want it back even though its become so obvious that this emptiness and childhood death make it impossible to maintain the life that brought the happiness. I guess in your terms it is like my ghost suddenly was able to feel alive and it is both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. Because at least before when there was so much violence, all the types of violence, I could go to that cold empty place and be a little detached from it. Now I am awake and wish I could sleep forever.

 

[skeletontree]

I never thought of it in these terms but I relate to a lot of what you're saying. My childhood died when I was 4, and the masking started shortly after I started school and realized how dangerous it was to be seen for what I really am by other people. I believed for a long time that turning 18 and pursuing a career and my own life would be an escape to the constant emptiness, pain, play acting and abuse but unfortunately I just ended up being abused by new people. So that's when I started working towards cbt and trying to get everything in order to impact people the least negatively possible. I was within two months of my plan when I had a major life change and I experienced happiness for the first time. Which sounds like a figure of speech but I mean it literally. Before that I thought maybe my trauma and genetics caused a physical inability to make a process dopamine correctly. But then I felt it and was able to feel it many times over the next few years. It kept me living but sometimes I wish it didn't happen. It now feels like I lost that calm control and focus toward death and now when I make cbt plans I find it harder to go through with it because I'm mourning the happiness and want it back even though its become so obvious that this emptiness and childhood death make it impossible to maintain the life that brought the happiness. I guess in your terms it is like my ghost suddenly was able to feel alive and it is both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. Because at least before when there was so much violence, all the types of violence, I could go to that cold empty place and be a little detached from it. Now I am awake and wish I could sleep forever.

Thanks for your reply and sharing your experience!

"I believed for a long time that turning 18 and pursuing a career and my own life would be an escape to the constant emptiness, pain, play acting and abuse but unfortunately I just ended up being abused by new people. So that's when I started working towards cbt and trying to get everything in order to impact people the least negatively possible. I was within two months of my plan when I had a major life change and I experienced happiness for the first time."

I can relate to what you write, especially the aspect of "trying to get everything in order to impact people the least negatively possible". Like an attempt/try to make sure that the things that happened to oneself (abuse/violence/neglect) is not being replicated, or to try to make the world not even more cruel or colder. For some time I thought: "Even if I see myself as dead already, and feel like it, maybe… I can still try to just continue existing, despite the pain, not for myself or "life", but to try to support and help others, to be there for them." But I always ended up with the same realization: that's not enough fuel to continue (because the pain is still around and too much, the ghost feeling, the trauma etc.).

So (to me) it felt just like a different kind of sacrificing oneself. Taking and experiencing even more pain, just to avoid causing pain for anyone else. It would also lead to a different kind of problem (also just from my subjective view): if I only continue for others (without a real desire or goal or feeling for life or anything like that), friends and those who care about me would witness/experience a long-term dissolution/disintegration of (what they think I am or what they see in) me. So it would just become a different kind of pain/nightmare.

"Before that I thought maybe my trauma and genetics caused a physical inability to make a process dopamine correctly. But then I felt it and was able to feel it many times over the next few years. It kept me living but sometimes I wish it didn't happen. It now feels like I lost that calm control and focus toward death and now when I make cbt plans I find it harder to go through with it because I'm mourning the happiness and want it back even though its become so obvious that this emptiness and childhood death make it impossible to maintain the life that brought the happiness."

I can't say whether it is impossible or not, in my own world, it is, but of course for others it can be different. But I think, the possibility is there, that life might never be felt in such a way, as it were if this emptiness and "childhood death" never occurred in the first place. Like it's always gonna have a certain amount of impact on "life". I don't think that this automatically means that happiness in general becomes impossible (or to maintain happiness long-term), but the question of course might arise: is it enough? Is it enough to keep one going or fighting (for life), or does it make one fight for the opposite direction? For some, it might be enough, for some happiness can reoccur or "happen" again. It's difficult, yeah...

"I guess in your terms it is like my ghost suddenly was able to feel alive and it is both the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me."

Sounds to me like (maybe the metaphor fits): before that, you were only pulled towards one direction (or only knew one side/direction), and then, after happiness and this feeling of "aliveness" were experienced, you were kinda in the middle, torn apart like two magnets simultaneously trying to pull you to their side? With the result: getting trapped in between?

"Because at least before when there was so much violence, all the types of violence, I could go to that cold empty place and be a little detached from it. Now I am awake and wish I could sleep forever."

Like you can't miss/be bothered by something that you've never learned/experienced in the first place (before happiness/"aliveness" was experienced for the first time)? Is it that kind of feeling?