Getting Worse

[Roger]

Got it bad today. I know the moment is approaching. Not today, maybe not for a month, but it's all building up. I feel increasingly unable to do anything. Shaking. I don't really want to make this post. Some family want to visit today, Bank Holiday. They know some of my problems but not all, nor my intentions. Can I put on the "I'm OK" act again ?
All the methods that are accessible have downsides. Do they hurt or don't they ? Partial seemed the way, but so many people survive with different versions of experiences.
Don't want to die but can't face life.
My poor family. My poor dogs.

 

[DyingWitsie]

I know what you mean i have been trying to die for months. I am hoping that it happens soon since i tried to ctb so many times before but it has been unfortunate. i will eventually, i hope this winter. The wait is getting a bit ridiculous.

 

[Honigwaffel]

I feel the exact same way as you right now. I'm trying to optain N for almost two months now and it's getting more and more frustrating. It's geting harder and harder to fake the "I'm doing well" to my surroundings. Sometimes I even slip up and say stupid things to avoid any confrontation.

And that was the moment I realised that I'm 100% certain with my decision to ctb. I can't face life and don't want to die want to die asap. Regardless of any consequences for my family and friends. It's egoistic, but it is how it is now. I don't really care anymore.

There isn't the perfect method and there are risks that you have to take. All I can do is to advise that you do a lot of research before you try out a method. Not so much researching other experiences, rather how to do the method itself.

Hopefully it gets better for you. Best of luck.

 

[Imgonnahangmyself]

I think I'm gonna hang myself, I wanna die I don't care about pain anymore as long as I die. I'm hoping I die from alcohol poisoning. I don't know where to hang myself

 

[ExitTheDay]

I'm very sorry for whatever you are going through roger, hopefully one day you can come to terms with yourself and I really hope your family can be there for you any step of the way

 

[deathenvoy]

I can relate. My mental state is getting worse and worse. I am terrible sorry for my mom - it will devastate her. But I cannot live like this. Nothing helps - not therapy, nor medications.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Got it bad today. I know the moment is approaching. Not today, maybe not for a month, but it's all building up. I feel increasingly unable to do anything. Shaking. I don't really want to make this post. Some family want to visit today, Bank Holiday. They know some of my problems but not all, nor my intentions. Can I put on the "I'm OK" act again ?
All the methods that are accessible have downsides. Do they hurt or don't they ? Partial seemed the way, but so many people survive with different versions of experiences.
Don't want to die but can't face life.
My poor family. My poor dogs.

What have you tried to get better with so far?

 

[JoeFailure]

I'm sorry to hear that. It is really, really tough to constantly put the "I'm OK" act. In my case, none of my family or friends have any idea about anything. If I end up going through with it, which there's a 95% chance I'll have to, they're going to be shocked. I feel awful about it but I can't really face my circumstances either.

 

[Roger]

What have you tried to get better with so far?

Medication, you mean ?

 

[GeorgeJL]

Medication, you mean ?

Anything, yes that includes medication.

 

[Mbound]

I feel the exact same way as you right now. I'm trying to optain N for almost two months now and it's getting more and more frustrating. It's geting harder and harder to fake the "I'm doing well" to my surroundings. Sometimes I even slip up and say stupid things to avoid any confrontation.

And that was the moment I realised that I'm 100% certain with my decision to ctb. I can't face life and don't want to die want to die asap. Regardless of any consequences for my family and friends. It's egoistic, but it is how it is now. I don't really care anymore.

There isn't the perfect method and there are risks that you have to take. All I can do is to advise that you do a lot of research before you try out a method. Not so much researching other experiences, rather how to do the method itself.

Hopefully it gets better for you. Best of luck.

What's gone wrong with buying N for you?

 

[Soul]

@Roger I'm sorry you're doing poorly. I hope you find a way to be more comfortable and that your family can be some kind of help to you even though they don't know the full extent of what's going on. Here are gentle hugs

 

[Honigwaffel]

What's gone wrong with buying N for you?

Well it turns out that I'm super unlucky when it comes to buying N. I've recieved several packages from black markets in the past without any problems and always within one week. For N it's different. I'm on my third try now with the first package being seized by customs and the second one straight up stolen by the postal service. And the current package has not updated in about 10 days, so it seems like it was lost aswell.
I just can't go any longer. I've shut down what was left of my life completely because I expected the package to show up within 3 weeks. I have everything ready for the exit bag and will be using this method as it is so much easier to optain.
But I'm in a predicament right now, because I don't want the N to show up after my ctb and raising questions. Possibly alerting the authorities. I'll wait until either the package is lost 100% or it gets delivered, just to be sure.

 

[rata1]

same here. every day the same. looking for the exit out of this prison that is in my head. life is nice but with my mental condition it's impossible to take part in it. i would like to cry, am not able to. just functioning like a fucking machine, no own decissions and that hell of oblivion. i would like to live just a normal life but i'm trapped in my brain, not able to see or to feel whats around me.
i thought about different methods. first jumping which is the easiest way i think(no preparation, no materials needed, low chance of "bening discovered"....) i was two times at the edge of a cliff. i didn't do it, probably si disguised as "rationality" and hope. ideas like "i can try it one last time with therapy", "i think i understand the whole thing now".... then, as jumping didn't work, i tried partial. didn't work neither but i'm not sure if i really tried it. i got the rope around my nek, i pulled down but as i didn't recognize any of the effects (unconciousness) i abandoned. then i thought about co, i think its too risky for me as i'm not able to well prepare thiings because of my loss of memory. in the end i think, i'm not sure, its all a fucking escape, avoiding the final step which would be like a liberation. would be the same to lose the compulsive thiinking of my brain. both things would be the step out of my mental prision into liberty. i wasn't able to do this step in my whole life in a pro-life direction, i think about changing my life, searching for help..., it seems to me that i'm not able to do it in the other direction, that is ctb.
i want to do it during the next month. i have to do it. it's sad. sun is shining, women are beautyful, nature is growing in spring, but i can't stand it any more.
by the way. thank you for this forum. it is such a nice place of liberty. love you all