There are very few things keeping me here. I'm going to some concerts from my special interest band in the summer,and that is pretty much all the unfinished business I have. Despite this, i still have pretty close calls every few weeks. with every close call, i have this tearing up-feeling guilty i even wanted to, moment that keeps it from being an actual attempt/completion when i look over at my comfort item, or think about my younger sisters.
i know i am cared for by people close to me and I am incredibly terrified of putting them through what I went through when one of my friends CTB. When I plan when im going to CTB, i make sure it is far away from birthdays, holidays, when school starts, ect. in order to sorta minimize the pain I know they will feel. I don't feel as bad for anybody besides my younger sisters, because they are all adults, and have been the ones dealing with my previous attempts directly. But even though my younger sisters don't really talk to me anymore since I've moved out, i'd just feel so incredibly horrible for making them deal with something so confusing when they're already struggling just being tweens. I know my last attempt my mom called me while I was in the hospital and told me that one of them cried all night in my moms room because she was so confused and worried, and I was nowhere close to dying. And I know at least one of them would feel that they're the one to blame for my death, and that haunts me.
As much as it hurts however, I need to get over it. I assume that once I get over that hurdle, I will also get over the hurdle with my comfort item since they each provoke the other, but it is the one thing thats keeping me here. i CANNOT keep living, especially since at this point it is literally just because of these concerts and out of guilt for hurting my sisters. I can't keep going on for their sakes, I just can't. We're not even that close but its something I've been unable to shake since my last full attempt, which has had at least a couple dozen almost attempts in between. I do not want to be here, it just keeps getting worse and worse, and my reasonings will never resolve themselves. My life isn't worth prolonging over my fear of hurting them. Does anybody deal with something similar? Or have any advice on how this can stop being a setback?
i know i am cared for by people close to me and I am incredibly terrified of putting them through what I went through when one of my friends CTB. When I plan when im going to CTB, i make sure it is far away from birthdays, holidays, when school starts, ect. in order to sorta minimize the pain I know they will feel. I don't feel as bad for anybody besides my younger sisters, because they are all adults, and have been the ones dealing with my previous attempts directly. But even though my younger sisters don't really talk to me anymore since I've moved out, i'd just feel so incredibly horrible for making them deal with something so confusing when they're already struggling just being tweens. I know my last attempt my mom called me while I was in the hospital and told me that one of them cried all night in my moms room because she was so confused and worried, and I was nowhere close to dying. And I know at least one of them would feel that they're the one to blame for my death, and that haunts me.
As much as it hurts however, I need to get over it. I assume that once I get over that hurdle, I will also get over the hurdle with my comfort item since they each provoke the other, but it is the one thing thats keeping me here. i CANNOT keep living, especially since at this point it is literally just because of these concerts and out of guilt for hurting my sisters. I can't keep going on for their sakes, I just can't. We're not even that close but its something I've been unable to shake since my last full attempt, which has had at least a couple dozen almost attempts in between. I do not want to be here, it just keeps getting worse and worse, and my reasonings will never resolve themselves. My life isn't worth prolonging over my fear of hurting them. Does anybody deal with something similar? Or have any advice on how this can stop being a setback?
