Venting Getting Meto after a failed attempt. Life feels like a joke.

[musingsofaghost]

I'm so angry at the timing of it all. I recently had a failed attempt with SN where I vomited it all out and had to call the paramedics on myself. I had anti-emetics and benzos ready for my attempt but I gave them, out of embarrassment, to a friend who found them under my bed. Who I then promised I wouldn't kill myself. Who I swore I didn't have any other CTB tools in my room knowing damn well the SN was under the carpet, metres away from where she was sitting. Whose trust I then betrayed when I went ahead and tried anyways a few days later even though I was ill-equipped and alone in that fucking hotel room. Please don't call me stupid. I know I am. I've been beating myself up about it enough and I wish I could just finally disappear. I shouldn't have given them away, or proceeded to go through with my CTB plan, but I was desperate. Still am.

Now I got my hands on meto, again. My doctor prescribed it to me for my migraine-induced nausea. After I've lost the SN. I just got it dispensed. It's in my hands right now. And I am so mad. I'm laughing too. I wouldn't have thrown up everywhere if I had this with me in the hotel. So many people would kill to have the perfect CTB regime that I had, and they would've been a million times more careful than me. I should've waited. I could be gone right now but no. I was too desperate and now I've lost that chance. My friend visited me when I was in the hospital but she couldn't even look me in the eye. I betrayed her. And, I'm still stuck here in this miserable life.

 

[danivodka5]

I'm so sorry about what happened, I wouldnt be able to giveaway my benzos even now. Would you mind if I asked if taking SN at any moment of the process was painful at any point? Im certainly scared of the though of it.