genetic illness and my inevitable suicide

[northerner]

my dad and grandmother have huntington's disease. i won't get into exactly what that entails, but know that it's bad enough that they say up to 13% of huntington's patients kill themselves. which is especially impressive because huntington's patients are basically being turned into vegetables as the disease progresses. the main thing here is that i have a 50% chance of inheriting the disease. if i do have it, symptoms can start at literally any time (though they usually start into your 40s) and after symptoms start you have a ~20 year life expectancy. but obviously, those 20 years are going to be shit.

long story short, if i do turn out to have huntington's, i will kill myself. i mean, i'm already considering killing myself for completely unrelated reasons, but it's a done deal if i have the disease. i don't want to be a vegetable. i want to sing and dance and laugh and drive my car and pay my rent and none of those are things you can do with huntington's. life isn't worth living (and it's already barely worth living) if i can't live.

my dad has mid-stage huntington's, so he can't drive and it's hard for him to hold onto a thought for very long but he still has a job and doesn't need to be put under 24/7 medical supervision quite yet. he's the best person i know and it's heartbreaking to watch him lose everything. even more heartbreaking is the thought of going to visit him for sunday dinner and finding he's hung himself in his apartment. i would love to avoid that heartbreak for the people in my life, but i know it's probably impossible. i really am just in an impossible situation.

if any of you have or know someone with hd please feel free to pm me, i would love to talk with someone who's going through something similar if possible :)

if you made it this far, thanks for reading! i love you all <3

 

[Worndown]

Ok, having this extra burden hanging over your head, do a little planning.
Gather what you need now and put it away. If that fateful day arrives, your exit plan is ready.
Fairness is not a constant in life.
I am sorry you have two terrible issues to manage. One is too many!

 

[OtterFromTheCosmos]

That sounds horrible, I hope for your sake it either never happens or happens so late you'll have time to enjoy the small parts of life

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

my dad and grandmother have huntington's disease. i won't get into exactly what that entails, but know that it's bad enough that they say up to 13% of huntington's patients kill themselves. which is especially impressive because huntington's patients are basically being turned into vegetables as the disease progresses. the main thing here is that i have a 50% chance of inheriting the disease. if i do have it, symptoms can start at literally any time (though they usually start into your 40s) and after symptoms start you have a ~20 year life expectancy. but obviously, those 20 years are going to be shit.

long story short, if i do turn out to have huntington's, i will kill myself. i mean, i'm already considering killing myself for completely unrelated reasons, but it's a done deal if i have the disease. i don't want to be a vegetable. i want to sing and dance and laugh and drive my car and pay my rent and none of those are things you can do with huntington's. life isn't worth living (and it's already barely worth living) if i can't live.

my dad has mid-stage huntington's, so he can't drive and it's hard for him to hold onto a thought for very long but he still has a job and doesn't need to be put under 24/7 medical supervision quite yet. he's the best person i know and it's heartbreaking to watch him lose everything. even more heartbreaking is the thought of going to visit him for sunday dinner and finding he's hung himself in his apartment. i would love to avoid that heartbreak for the people in my life, but i know it's probably impossible. i really am just in an impossible situation.

if any of you have or know someone with hd please feel free to pm me, i would love to talk with someone who's going through something similar if possible :)

if you made it this far, thanks for reading! i love you all <3

I am so sorry you're going through this! Wish I could give you a massive hug! My moms cousin recently passed away from Huntington's. You're right, it is awful. he got to a point he couldn't swallow. They had to tube feed him. He was in a home in NY, specifically designed for people with Huntingtons. He actually wanted to kill himself, too, when he first found out he had it. I can't blame you, or him, for feeling that way. I would, too, if I had something like this.

 

[northerner]

They had to tube feed him. He was in a home in NY, specifically designed for people with Huntingtons

yeah, that's where my grandmother is at right now. it's truly an awful disease, i wish you and your family all the love in the world <3

 

[TheTwelthRootOfTwo]

yeah, that's where my grandmother is at right now. it's truly an awful disease, i wish you and your family all the love in the world <3

Thank you. And you as well hun.

 

[cluefixphantom]

Dementia and meningitis run in my family. My mother had eye cancer.
Due to my parents, I've suffered from various symptoms, but I've never been able to access proper medical care, so most of the disabilities remain unofficial. I don't get any care assistance either I am just in my room to rot to death.

The conditions officially confirmed for me are: Seborrheic dermatitis, Androgenetic alopecia. I had 2023 or 2022 shingels and big ovarian cysts, and had pain for 4 weeks or more but then it healed.

And the suspected ones are: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Trimethylaminuria or progressive kidney failure, Thyroid dysfunction (hyper- and hypothyroidism), Porphyria.

My parents are both alcoholics, father smoker. Both look like they come from a horror movie and similar to the Cushings Syndrome.

Since puberty I suffer from hairloss and heavy sweating, my sweat also smells more like ammoniac. I was told that I am ugly, dumb, unhygienic, bones/anorexic, mentally ill. Some women from middle-class one social worker insulted me once with "do you were raped hihi" to downgrade me further. (I don't know of any rape but I would not say my father is innocent either).
People are passiv aggressiv and don't want to help. They laugh, gossip, or stare with disgust and anger. It only stopped because I stopped going out. Then I've just been lying around in my room doing nothing, watching some movies or play some games, and this has been my life. I am insulted as genetical cr'pple and tried to find answers why this happened to me.

One of my wish was to be someone else, maybe someone like Chance Perez or Matthew Daddario or Brandon Quinn because they are pretty and rich and so many adore them. I get easly angry and sad when I see how normal people are so happy and have so easy access to help, medical care, friends, love, money. All of them are malevolent towards me, just because they feel disgust and anger. Being born into this made me so unlucky. I am just sad that I never had a chance in life.

My parents never should have reproduced, and they really shouldn't exist at all. I heard my father's mother actually tried to abort him but failed–her method was stupid, she drank alcohol her whole life and smoked (her partners too). As she was pregnant she just did this more and one day she threw herself down the stairs but ofc this is not a safe way to abort. I don't know why but she gave birth to him but he is a bastard and aggressiv. He was caged away in the DDR institutions as a child, I wonder why they didn't castrated him.

His mother and her partner are losers, my father is a loser and my mother. I am always poverty-class and caged in this body just because they were fertile and dumb or cruel enough to reproduce. In school I was called genetical trash, I understand why (also after watching "Lolcows" on Youtube), but I think it's wrong that everyone can attack me or isolate me for things I could not choose.

Today my environment sees me as a disease just for existing = laying in my bed and wait until I can sleep again. I had nothing in my life. My food is also 99% Cola Cherry or Redbull at least it tastes good.

 

[northerner]

Dementia and meningitis run in my family. My mother had eye cancer.
Due to my parents, I've suffered from various symptoms, but I've never been able to access proper medical care, so most of the disabilities remain unofficial. I don't get any care assistance either I am just in my room to rot to death.

The conditions officially confirmed for me are: Seborrheic dermatitis, Androgenetic alopecia. I had 2023 or 2022 shingels and big ovarian cysts, and had pain for 4 weeks or more but then it healed.

And the suspected ones are: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, Trimethylaminuria or progressive kidney failure, Thyroid dysfunction (hyper- and hypothyroidism), Porphyria.

My parents are both alcoholics, father smoker. Both look like they come from a horror movie and similar to the Cushings Syndrome.

Since puberty I suffer from hairloss and heavy sweating, my sweat also smells more like ammoniac. I was told that I am ugly, dumb, unhygienic, bones/anorexic, mentally ill. Some women from middle-class one social worker insulted me once with "do you were raped hihi" to downgrade me further. (I don't know of any rape but I would not say my father is innocent either).
People are passiv aggressiv and don't want to help. They laugh, gossip, or stare with disgust and anger. It only stopped because I stopped going out. Then I've just been lying around in my room doing nothing, watching some movies or play some games, and this has been my life. I am insulted as genetical cr'pple and tried to find answers why this happened to me.

One of my wish was to be someone else, maybe someone like Chance Perez or Matthew Daddario or Brandon Quinn because they are pretty and rich and so many adore them. I get easly angry and sad when I see how normal people are so happy and have so easy access to help, medical care, friends, love, money. All of them are malevolent towards me, just because they feel disgust and anger. Being born into this made me so unlucky. I am just sad that I never had a chance in life.

My parents never should have reproduced, and they really shouldn't exist at all. I heard my father's mother actually tried to abort him but failed–her method was stupid, she drank alcohol her whole life and smoked (her partners too). As she was pregnant she just did this more and one day she threw herself down the stairs but ofc this is not a safe way to abort. I don't know why but she gave birth to him but he is a bastard and aggressiv. He was caged away in the DDR institutions as a child, I wonder why they didn't castrated him.

His mother and her partner are losers, my father is a loser and my mother. I am always poverty-class and caged in this body just because they were fertile and dumb or cruel enough to reproduce. In school I was called genetical trash, I understand why (also after watching "Lolcows" on Youtube), but I think it's wrong that everyone can attack me or isolate me for things I could not choose.

Today my environment sees me as a disease just for existing = laying in my bed and wait until I can sleep again. I had nothing in my life. My food is also 99% Cola Cherry or Redbull at least it tastes good.

i'm so sorry sweetheart, that sounds like so much to carry around with you</3

one lesson i've really been trying to focus on recently is that no one is really doing as well as they seem. even assholes who have nothing better to do than make fun of the less-than-fortunate always have something going on, whether it be invisible illness or financial trouble or abusive/toxic relationships, everyone's got something wrong. i don't say this to try to downplay your experience in any way, but i've found some of the dispair in my own life comes from comparing myself to others because everyone else always seems to be doing so well! i promise you they aren't.

life feels so unfair all the time, especially when it comes to illness. why do other people get to walk around and live their lives like normal without the weight of impending pain and suffering hanging over their heads? it seems like maybe we were just put here to suffer. the only advice i can offer you is to do stuff. go volunteer in your community or go for a walk. i'm sure this is stuff you and everyone else on this site has heard about 2 billion times, but i swear to god the only thing that ever eases my suicidal ideation and the pain of the circumstances of my life is keeping myself busy. i've been junk journaling and doing colouring pages a lot lately, too.

p.s. my diet is mainly sour cream and onion chips and peace tea these days. i get you.