Venting Gender Dysphoria

[democritusjunior]

I'm sure my family or friends would be quite "accepting" in the event that my mind earns its triumph over my body; I'm also sure, however, that they'd be delighted in my suicide (assuming they learn of the mental illness with which I'm afflicted posthumously) before I sully their reputation with my "transition." Not to worry, either, on my end, because I wont die! Interred underneath a gravestone baring an alien name, will be some unfamiliar body—and that is all. Perhaps I'm deluded in believing in the noble suicides of Seneca and the like.

Sometimes I feel profound shame, living in a liberal state in a liberal country in an enlightened area of the world, for throwing away this rare opportunity, which other people of my ilk would love capitalize upon. But, half-acceptance, to me, is worse than nonacceptance; I can't handle the subtle embarrassment and the cheery smiles through gritted teeth. I'm sure I'm already unsettling and dangerous-seeming as a man, let alone some kind of perverted, freak of medicine. It's all unbearable and I'd very much like to die.

 

[morina]

Yes, people like us basically have three options.
1. Be lucky in the unluckiness of being born wrong, be it through genetics, or starting transition at an early age, or a supportive environment.
2. Be oblivious to being seen as a laughtingstock and a threat (especially as MtF, because we are seen as just "men with wigs invading women's spaces"; FtMs are at least mostly ignored) and content with imperfections.
3. Die.

I have neither of the first two, so I hopefully dare executing option 3 someday soon. I wish you find peace, no matter if in life or death.

 

[ScaredPossum]

Ugh, I feel that. Though, I'm 2-3 years into my transition at this point.

Living in a liberal, more accepting place myself, there's still scary, bigoted folks and people who are afraid of me. But there's also plenty of people who are allies and genuinely accept and love trans people. From experience, not everyone grits their teeth, unless I was in the wrong part of town. Ironically -despite EVERYTHING going on right now- I'm trying to learn that the world can be a safe place, when you can find the places and people that will look out for you. Most of the world is dangerous, and I don't believe I belong regardless, but I think it'll get better as I slowly move away from all the crappy people in my life and the neighborhood I grew up in.

It hurts feeling like there's a target behind my back all the time, and it somehow hurts more that I'm lowkey dead to my family. But, it couldn't hurt more than denying the truth about myself.