Venting Gender dysphoria

[Kadaver]

My gender dysphoria is ruining my life. It feels like a cage that I'm trapped in that makes everything I want to do impossible. I bed rot every day. I hate getting up because then my chest moves. I hate leaving the house, and I don't unless I absolutely have to, because I don't pass—because everyone around me sees me as something I'm not.

My dad keeps telling me to exercise and saying he'll get me a gym membership and I want to tell him no; I can't. I've not told him about my dysphoria yet so I think he's just assuming I'm being lazy. I would love to be able to go to the gym. I would love to be able to leave the house and make irl friends. I would love to have a future but my constant overwhelming dysphoria makes doing those things my worst nightmare.

He tells me to think about my future but I don't have one, not like this. I can't live like this anymore; stagnant and trapped in this body. I've picked a day that I'll free myself from my body and free my family from me. I have a list of things I need to do before then. I would make a bucket list or something similar but I don't want to do anything in this body. I've been clean of self-harm for maybe four years and these past few days I've been daydreaming about relapsing. Not because of my depression but because I want to punish my body for betraying me and for stealing so much from me.

A friend suggest I start a go fund me but I don't even know how much it would cost for me to transition and even if I did watching the days drip by with no donations would make me feel even worse. I just want this life to be over.

 

[Ready_2go]

Coming from someone who has spent thousands to transition (mtf) and living it for four years now I can say with certainty it was the best decision I have made for me but it wrecked everything else. And I mean WRECKED. Lost my marriage and job and family. All within the first few months too.

Transitioning is not going to solve all the problems. It will make you feel whole. But then you turn the news on or open an app and all you'll see is the hate people have for us. And at this point, I don't blame them. I'm one of them and I so so wish I was normal. I feel like a freak and hear it just going to the grocery from strangers.

I'm actively planning things out at this point. I just, I have never been happier but also disgusted. And I'm so tired of fighting for an existence that I don't even want anymore.

 

[Kadaver]

Coming from someone who has spent thousands to transition (mtf) and living it for four years now I can say with certainty it was the best decision I have made for me but it wrecked everything else. And I mean WRECKED. Lost my marriage and job and family. All within the first few months too.

Transitioning is not going to solve all the problems. It will make you feel whole. But then you turn the news on or open an app and all you'll see is the hate people have for us. And at this point, I don't blame them. I'm one of them and I so so wish I was normal. I feel like a freak and hear it just going to the grocery from strangers.

I'm actively planning things out at this point. I just, I have never been happier but also disgusted. And I'm so tired of fighting for an existence that I don't even want anymore.

I know transitioning wouldn't solve everything but it would make my life feel livable. Like I could maybe be happy. You're right though, I see so much fucking hate against trans people and it just makes me feel so empty inside. It makes me feel like I'm not meant to live in this world; like my existence is a mistake. I wish I could ignore my dysphoria and be "normal" but I just can't anymore. I can't stand living like this. Every day that goes by feels like a waste of time because I'm not on T. I'm making no progress toward my one real goal.

 

[Ready_2go]

I know transitioning wouldn't solve everything but it would make my life feel livable. Like I could maybe be happy. You're right though, I see so much fucking hate against trans people and it just makes me feel so empty inside. It makes me feel like I'm not meant to live in this world; like my existence is a mistake. I wish I could ignore my dysphoria and be "normal" but I just can't anymore. I can't stand living like this. Every day that goes by feels like a waste of time because I'm not on T. I'm making no progress toward my one real goal.

Well… I know we both are in some dark places and the world at large seems to despise us for just wanting to live. Hormones are the only thing that are keeping me here at this point. Without them I would immediately resort to CTB. I am also a huge proponent of starting treatment if you feel that is your path. I just warn you that it's not a silver bullet. On the inside you'll feel as complete as you ever will. On the outside, at least for me, I went from hating looking like a guy to hating looking like I'm trans. There was a period where it all came together, but then the pressures of transitioning and passing and the costs associated start to weigh in.

What really opened my eyes is that the first partner I have had since transitioning, the first one to truly accept all of me, told me I will never be a cis woman. He wasn't being mean or anything, more I think pushing radical acceptance. But it struck a chord that has resonated since. I'll never be physically what I know I am to be. And then I just ask, is anything worth it? And I keep coming back to no, nothing is. It's all pointless and I'll always get laughed at and ridiculed and belittled and told to go kill my self because I'm a perverted freak.

You know, you hear it so often and see it from people that eventually, you do start to believe what they say and maybe I should just go vanish. I'd be doing the world that doesn't want me in it a favor and honestly, if I could do something selfless like that for the world why wouldn't I?

 

[Kadaver]

Well… I know we both are in some dark places and the world at large seems to despise us for just wanting to live. Hormones are the only thing that are keeping me here at this point. Without them I would immediately resort to CTB. I am also a huge proponent of starting treatment if you feel that is your path. I just warn you that it's not a silver bullet. On the inside you'll feel as complete as you ever will. On the outside, at least for me, I went from hating looking like a guy to hating looking like I'm trans. There was a period where it all came together, but then the pressures of transitioning and passing and the costs associated start to weigh in.

What really opened my eyes is that the first partner I have had since transitioning, the first one to truly accept all of me, told me I will never be a cis woman. He wasn't being mean or anything, more I think pushing radical acceptance. But it struck a chord that has resonated since. I'll never be physically what I know I am to be. And then I just ask, is anything worth it? And I keep coming back to no, nothing is. It's all pointless and I'll always get laughed at and ridiculed and belittled and told to go kill my self because I'm a perverted freak.

You know, you hear it so often and see it from people that eventually, you do start to believe what they say and maybe I should just go vanish. I'd be doing the world that doesn't want me in it a favor and honestly, if I could do something selfless like that for the world why wouldn't I?

I can't transition rn, unfortunately. I don't have a job due to my dysphoria being so bad that its completely crippled my mental health. My friend suggest I start a gofundme but I don't even know how much it would cost to transition. Then there's the fact that I wouldn't really have any support through that time. My dad only tolerates me being queer and my "best friend" borderline wants nothing to do with me. I just want to die so badly. If I can't transition then my life is meaningless to me

 

[cloperti3345]

My gender dysphoria is ruining my life. It feels like a cage that I'm trapped in that makes everything I want to do impossible. I bed rot every day. I hate getting up because then my chest moves. I hate leaving the house, and I don't unless I absolutely have to, because I don't pass—because everyone around me sees me as something I'm not.

My dad keeps telling me to exercise and saying he'll get me a gym membership and I want to tell him no; I can't. I've not told him about my dysphoria yet so I think he's just assuming I'm being lazy. I would love to be able to go to the gym. I would love to be able to leave the house and make irl friends. I would love to have a future but my constant overwhelming dysphoria makes doing those things my worst nightmare.

He tells me to think about my future but I don't have one, not like this. I can't live like this anymore; stagnant and trapped in this body. I've picked a day that I'll free myself from my body and free my family from me. I have a list of things I need to do before then. I would make a bucket list or something similar but I don't want to do anything in this body. I've been clean of self-harm for maybe four years and these past few days I've been daydreaming about relapsing. Not because of my depression but because I want to punish my body for betraying me and for stealing so much from me.

A friend suggest I start a go fund me but I don't even know how much it would cost for me to transition and even if I did watching the days drip by with no donations would make me feel even worse. I just want this life to be over.

I have gender dysphoria too but from not looking enough like my assigned gender at birth.

 

[Linda]

If you transition, you will take your problems with you. My advice would be that you forget about your gender dysphoria for a while, and get your life sorted out. Once that is done, you may have some money and more options than you do right now. Then you can think again about transitioning.

To transition effectively and fully is going to take you several years, even in favorable circumstances. You may feel that you want to get started, but if you get started without a proper way forward, you may just be creating more problems for yourself.

 

[cowboypants]

I don't know if I have gender dysphoria. But I have been growing out my hair and despite me taking caring of it, I get so much pressure from my aunts and parents to cut it off. Meanwhile, some of their own daughter have short hair, I am guessing they hold patriarchal values inside or because me being unemployed complicates this thing.

But there is one thing if we stand outside traditional society values, It's like going against the wind. And when I see people in developed countries go through similar stuff, It feels like low-key we are doomed for now

 

[1993]

I really hope you can find a way to transition and I encourage you to research your possibilities. It was the best decision I ever made. Testosterone acted as some sort of antidepressant and the chest surgery made it possible to leave the house, move, cycle, jump, whatever.

I experienced similar dysphoria and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Chest binders helped me quite a bit, but it didn't make the feeling go away.

Since you're on this forum, please, please consider transitioning. Even small steps give temporary relief. It will probably help you a lot

 

[Linda]

I don't know if I have gender dysphoria. But I have been growing out my hair and despite me taking caring of it, I get so much pressure from my aunts and parents to cut it off. Meanwhile, some of their own daughter have short hair, I am guessing they hold patriarchal values inside or because me being unemployed complicates this thing.

But there is one thing if we stand outside traditional society values, It's like going against the wind. And when I see people in developed countries go through similar stuff, It feels like low-key we are doomed for now

When the pandemic started, my husband decided he was not going to cut his hair until it ended. Several years later, he had a fine pony-tail that I realised I liked. (Makes him look much more of a rebel.) So he has kept it. He keeps it tidy with an elastic band. He definitely has not the slightest trace of gender dysphoria.
If you want long hair, then wear your hair long. (But I suggest you look at yourself critically in the mirror, to decide whether it suits you. It doesn't suit everyone.)

 

[cowboypants]

When the pandemic started, my husband decided he was not going to cut his hair until it ended. Several years later, he had a fine pony-tail that I realised I liked. (Makes him look much more of a rebel.) So he has kept it. He keeps it tidy with an elastic band. He definitely has not the slightest trace of gender dysphoria.
If you want long hair, then wear your hair long. (But I suggest you look at yourself critically in the mirror, to decide whether it suits you. It doesn't suit everyone.)

I have a love hate relationship with it, on one hand I like long hair, the other end I miss the low maintenance of short hair. It does suit me, I think it has if any it has boosted my appearance. I have gotten compliments even randomly when I'm walking in the street, but I don't like bringing this much attention to myself as my social anxiety is already pretty high. I don't like standing out since it's rare for men to have long hair here, and I don't have a masculine frame to begin with.

I think I can pass off as a woman from behind which gets me some stares and when people realize I'm a guy which is kinda funny and nice but also Idk i don't want to get catcalled or something. I'm kinda self-conscious too since people wayback in school and college made fun of the way I walk, some characteristics I do are feminine even mentally prolly, but anyway I don't think I care much now, but it's hard with all the mental health issues that drags me along. I sometimes think it doesn't matter whether I have short hair or long, the anxiety is gonna stick around thats why I haven't buzzed it off, but the urge comes and goes

 

[Ready_2go]

I can't transition rn, unfortunately. I don't have a job due to my dysphoria being so bad that its completely crippled my mental health. My friend suggest I start a gofundme but I don't even know how much it would cost to transition. Then there's the fact that I wouldn't really have any support through that time. My dad only tolerates me being queer and my "best friend" borderline wants nothing to do with me. I just want to die so badly. If I can't transition then my life is meaningless to me

Have you looked into the DIY for hormone therapy? I know quite a few individuals that go this route but I also understand that it still needs to be funded somehow.

you could go the GoFundMe route - there are several other organizations that offer support and some are all online to- like Dr visits and medicine and such. As far as support - I don't have great news to report there based on personal experience. My family stopped talking to me outright. I lost all my "friends" (the two that I had lol) and my job terminated my employment as I wouldn't be able to effectively serve the role (which I had been doing for a year already with no issue).

So yeah, from my VERY jaded perspective - you will be alone in this. But also, you will finally find an inner peace you never knew possible.

 

[Namelesa]

If you transition, you will take your problems with you. My advice would be that you forget about your gender dysphoria for a while, and get your life sorted out. Once that is done, you may have some money and more options than you do right now. Then you can think again about transitioning.

To transition effectively and fully is going to take you several years, even in favorable circumstances. You may feel that you want to get started, but if you get started without a proper way forward, you may just be creating more problems for yourself.

Kinda simplifying gender dysphoria. Intense gender dysphoria is something you can't forget and is something that effects a lot of areas of life negatively. While yes some problems won't be fixed by transitioning, it will definitely help a lot by making you feel more comfortable with your own body allowing you to do things much more easily. Transition is a key part in allowing trans people to get better.

 

[Ready_2go]

If you transition, you will take your problems with you. My advice would be that you forget about your gender dysphoria for a while, and get your life sorted out. Once that is done, you may have some money and more options than you do right now. Then you can think again about transitioning.

To transition effectively and fully is going to take you several years, even in favorable circumstances. You may feel that you want to get started, but if you get started without a proper way forward, you may just be creating more problems for yourself.

I agree on the latter - there is no "off the shelf" price to transition. It's different for everyone. What others find dysphoric some enjoy about themselves. So it's hard to even give an estimate. And transitioning is really a journey. I have no patience and wanted it to be done and over the next day. It t doesn't work like that though.

If I was ready to admit to myself that I am transitioning, and someone told me to put dysphoria on the shelf - I would promptly CTB. For me, and for most of the community I've spoken to, it's the root issue that spreads out and presents itself as addiction or self harm or hate. Anger too. I truly in my heart believe that ignoring or denying who at your core you are will only cause more damage. Until the foundation is done you can't really address the house on top.

I don't know if I have gender dysphoria. But I have been growing out my hair and despite me taking caring of it, I get so much pressure from my aunts and parents to cut it off. Meanwhile, some of their own daughter have short hair, I am guessing they hold patriarchal values inside or because me being unemployed complicates this thing.

But there is one thing if we stand outside traditional society values, It's like going against the wind. And when I see people in developed countries go through similar stuff, It feels like low-key we are doomed for now

In a similar vein, that is how I started my journey lol. However, I knew in my heart I was trans by then. I lied of course and told my then husband I was just trying something new. But after a year I made the official announcement.

 

[Linda]

I have a love hate relationship with it, on one hand I like long hair, the other end I miss the low maintenance of short hair. It does suit me, I think it has if any it has boosted my appearance. I have gotten compliments even randomly when I'm walking in the street, but I don't like bringing this much attention to myself as my social anxiety is already pretty high. I don't like standing out since it's rare for men to have long hair here, and I don't have a masculine frame to begin with.

I think I can pass off as a woman from behind which gets me some stares and when people realize I'm a guy which is kinda funny and nice but also Idk i don't want to get catcalled or something. I'm kinda self-conscious too since people wayback in school and college made fun of the way I walk, some characteristics I do are feminine even mentally prolly, but anyway I don't think I care much now, but it's hard with all the mental health issues that drags me along. I sometimes think it doesn't matter whether I have short hair or long, the anxiety is gonna stick around thats why I haven't buzzed it off, but the urge comes and goes

You could try taking a break in a different town, dressing as a woman, and seeing how well you pass. That would give you a clearer idea of how far you want to go, and how well you can pass, at minimum risk to yourself.
But remember, there is more to passing than having long hair and wearing feminine clothes. You would need to pay careful attention to makeup, jewellery, the way you talk, mannerisms, and other things. (And the way you walk.)
You would also need to give careul thought to whether you want a male partner or a female one long term. Would that fit well with you living as a woman? I know of at least oe heterosexual man who transitioned fully to female, and then complained that his dating pool had shrunk enormously. What did he expect?
And I would say to you the same that I said to Kadaver. Even if you were to transition fully, you would take most of your problems with you.

Kinda simplifying gender dysphoria. Intense gender dysphoria is something you can't forget and is something that effects a lot of areas of life negatively. While yes some problems won't be fixed by transitioning, it will definitely help a lot by making you feel more comfortable with your own body allowing you to do things much more easily. Transition is a key part in allowing trans people to get better.

I know that. But any problems that are unrelated to the dysphoria will still be there after a person transitions. That's what I was referring to.

I agree on the latter - there is no "off the shelf" price to transition. It's different for everyone. What others find dysphoric some enjoy about themselves. So it's hard to even give an estimate. And transitioning is really a journey. I have no patience and wanted it to be done and over the next day. It t doesn't work like that though.

If I was ready to admit to myself that I am transitioning, and someone told me to put dysphoria on the shelf - I would promptly CTB. For me, and for most of the community I've spoken to, it's the root issue that spreads out and presents itself as addiction or self harm or hate. Anger too. I truly in my heart believe that ignoring or denying who at your core you are will only cause more damage. Until the foundation is done you can't really address the house on top.



In a similar vein, that is how I started my journey lol. However, I knew in my heart I was trans by then. I lied of course and told my then husband I was just trying something new. But after a year I made the official announcement.

The Romans had a wise saying: Festina lente.
I'll let you look up the meaning, if you don't know any Latin.

As well as that, there are different degrees of dysphoria. Not everyone who eventually transitions found living in their birth gender completely intolerable.
Don't rush.

 

[Kadaver]

If you transition, you will take your problems with you. My advice would be that you forget about your gender dysphoria for a while, and get your life sorted out. Once that is done, you may have some money and more options than you do right now. Then you can think again about transitioning.

To transition effectively and fully is going to take you several years, even in favorable circumstances. You may feel that you want to get started, but if you get started without a proper way forward, you may just be creating more problems for yourself.

I literally cannot forget about my dysphoria. Its gotten to the point where looking at pictures of people makes me feel dysphoric. Getting up and moving makes me dysphoric. Fucking existing is making me dysphoric. I'm trapped in the cage that is this and it will not allow me to do anything. I can't work because id I do I know I will have another mental breakdown probably weeks into my employment. I can't go outside because I don't want to be looked at because I'm wrong. I don't want to exercise because that would make my chest move and I can't stand that feeling.

I want to be more than someone who rots in bed all day but my dysphoria is crippling me mentally

I really hope you can find a way to transition and I encourage you to research your possibilities. It was the best decision I ever made. Testosterone acted as some sort of antidepressant and the chest surgery made it possible to leave the house, move, cycle, jump, whatever.

I experienced similar dysphoria and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Chest binders helped me quite a bit, but it didn't make the feeling go away.

Since you're on this forum, please, please consider transitioning. Even small steps give temporary relief. It will probably help you a lot

I try to bind when I leave the house but I have a large chest and its hot where I am so the discomfort just reminds me of my dysphoria

Have you looked into the DIY for hormone therapy? I know quite a few individuals that go this route but I also understand that it still needs to be funded somehow.

you could go the GoFundMe route - there are several other organizations that offer support and some are all online to- like Dr visits and medicine and such. As far as support - I don't have great news to report there based on personal experience. My family stopped talking to me outright. I lost all my "friends" (the two that I had lol) and my job terminated my employment as I wouldn't be able to effectively serve the role (which I had been doing for a year already with no issue).

So yeah, from my VERY jaded perspective - you will be alone in this. But also, you will finally find an inner peace you never knew possible.

I've heard DIY hormones can still be pricey and I just don't have the extra money since I'm unemployed. I'm really sorry that transitioning made people abandon you. You don't deserve that at all

I know that. But any problems that are unrelated to the dysphoria will still be there after a person transitions. That's what I was referring to.

I realize this. I know it will not solve everything. But it will allow me to leave the house more than once every three months. It would allow me to move and get exercise so I can feel better about myself. It would allow me to feel like I'm working towards something and not just rotting and letting the time go by. If you have a broken leg you're not going to focus on running a marathon in the future. you're going to worry about your broken leg because without it you cannot run at all.

Not everyone who eventually transitions found living in their birth gender completely intolerable.

well, I do. It feels like hell. I cannot for the life of me fathom how you could read my post and have the takeaway of "just forget about it for awhile." I've done that bit and it had me thrown in the ward against my will. There's no forgetting. There's hardly even any distracting. Like the other person said; you can't really build a house when the foundation is in ruins.

 

[cowboypants]

You could try taking a break in a different town, dressing as a woman, and seeing how well you pass. That would give you a clearer idea of how far you want to go, and how well you can pass, at minimum risk to yourself.
But remember, there is more to passing than having long hair and wearing feminine clothes. You would need to pay careful attention to makeup, jewellery, the way you talk, mannerisms, and other things. (And the way you walk.)
You would also need to give careul thought to whether you want a male partner or a female one long term. Would that fit well with you living as a woman? I know of at least oe heterosexual man who transitioned fully to female, and then complained that his dating pool had shrunk enormously. What did he expect?
And I would say to you the same that I said to Kadaver. Even if you were to transition fully, you would take most of your problems with you.

Doing such stuff in my country well its already like living in hard mode. The dating pool is kinda non existent for me. Even if people show interest in me I'm oblivious to the social cues or just get anxious.

I've never been in a relationship i don't know how to flirt or something hell even friendship is difficult probably because of childhood upbring and my autism. Although I'm not worse which is worse since people take me lightly.

I think the patriarchal society doesn't help too born too soon ig I can easily live off as a househusband but

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Here's an Astolfo. He might not help, but look at how cute he is.

 

[3FailedAttemptss]

I know how gut-wrenchingly terrible gender dysphoria can be, but I really urge you to look into the possibility of DIY or services like GGP etc. and start you transition before you cut things short.

I've felt bad my entire life, but I realized I was trans at an early age. After that realization I thought that was why I felt bad (it just made sense), so as soon as I identified I was a woman - I told myself I would not be allowed to CTB before I started my transition.

Transitioning made me realize that I still feel bad, for reasons I don't even know. That being said I would never ever ever go back. I guess what I'm trying to say is - it's really worth trying to transition. I had to fight through alot of bullshit and careless TERF medical professionals but now I'm just glad that I'm on the right track, so I really really hope you can get there too ٩( 'ω' )و

 

[febuary]

Coming from someone who has spent thousands to transition (mtf) and living it for four years now I can say with certainty it was the best decision I have made for me but it wrecked everything else. And I mean WRECKED. Lost my marriage and job and family. All within the first few months too.

Transitioning is not going to solve all the problems. It will make you feel whole. But then you turn the news on or open an app and all you'll see is the hate people have for us. And at this point, I don't blame them. I'm one of them and I so so wish I was normal. I feel like a freak and hear it just going to the grocery from strangers.

I'm actively planning things out at this point. I just, I have never been happier but also disgusted. And I'm so tired of fighting for an existence that I don't even want anymore.

feel this so much. transitioning alleviated so much mental anguish but it introduced so many new problems that it stops feeling worth it. i was suffering internally every day but I had support, family, comfort, etc. outside of the depression and dysphoria my life was, materially, pretty easy- not so now. it's fucked up because I would hate to become a statistic, to further the stereotype that trans people kill themselves because trans ideology poisons their minds or whatever. i know that after i go that's going to be the takeaway for most of my family at least. i wish we lived in a world where trans people like us were free to make choices for ourselves and live freely and be accepted just like anyone else. lord knows I wouldn't be thinking about dying every day if that were the case