NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[maniac116]

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant...
Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

 

[maniac116]

1) I have a Step ladder...
My real ladder left when I was just a kid.
2) How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don't change the bulb, they just shoot the room for being black.

 

[maniac116]

Where did Joe go after getting lost in a minefield?...
EVERYWHERE!!

 

[maniac116]

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun...
The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun...
The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I would stick with the Dr

 

[maniac116]

1) What's the difference between a hipster and a football player?
A football player showers.

2) I made a website for orphans.
It doesn't have a home page.

 

[star.trip]

My older relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You're next!" But they stopped doing that right away when I started doing the same thing myself at funerals.


The doctor in the office. "I have good news and bad news." "Give me the good news first," says the patient. "Your test results have come back and you only have two days to live." "That's the good news? And what's the bad news?" says the patient. "I've been trying to reach you for two days."

 

[maniac116]

I was at the park the other day when a mother sat down beside me. After a while, she leaned over and asked, "Which one is yours?"

I looked at her and said, "I haven't decided yet."

 

[NoPoint2Life]

My older relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You're next!" But they stopped doing that right away when I started doing the same thing myself at funerals

Idk why but this one really made me laugh more than usual. I think partly because it's simple and partly because I have experienced the wedding part!

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

 

[Grog]

I asked my North Korean friend how he was doing. He said "I can't complain."

 

[maniac116]

 

[maniac116]

1. My granddaughter asked me how stars die. I told her, "Usually an overdose."

2. The only thing worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm is biting into an apple and finding half of a worm.

3. Never break someone's heart because they only have one. Instead, break their bones because they have 206 of them.

4. I asked Siri why I'm still single. It activated the front camera.

 

[maniac116]

Smallpox, the Spanish Flue, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...
What covid is doing is just plaguerism!

 

[The Morningstar]

My guy friend was going on a date with a lady to see a movie, and he asked me for advice.
"Well, you could try the old dick-in-the-popcorn trick. It worked for most of our grandparents, after all!" I explained.
"What's that?" he asked, confused.
"You know," I began, "Sneak in a little pocket-knife and buy a big bucket of popcorn. Then, when the lights go out in the theater, secretly pull your dick out of your pants while hiding it with the bucket, open your pocket-knife, cut just right, and shove your dick in the popcorn. She'll be impressed, trust me!"

The next day, I got a text and went to the hospital to visit my friend.
"What happened!?" I asked him.
"I did everything you told me!" he professed, "But I passed out after I shoved my dick in the popcorn!"
"Why?... How?"
"From the blood loss."

 

[maniac116]

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

View attachment 173112

 

[The Morningstar]

View attachment 173112

My first thought was: Deadpool's side-hustle.

 

[maniac116]

A drunk person walks into public toilet and sees a 1 dollar bill floating in shit...

He thinks - Hmmm...
"Should I get my hands shitty over a 1 dollar bill?"...

He thinks for a minute,then takes out a 10 dollar bill from his pocket, throws it into shit too and says to himself "For 11 dollars I can do it".

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

From SNL....

Michael Che:

A company in China has released a new artificial intelligence sex doll ....
And if you want the sex to be really good, set the intelligence to LOW

 

[maniac116]

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

The last song the police find on my playlist:

 

[Imeavie]

I like my women how I like my coffee

Ground up, and kept in the freezer

 

[The Morningstar]

Little boy, "Mom, why is dad pretending to be a piñata?"

Mother, "What are you talking about, silly?"

Little boy, "He's hanging from the rafters by a rope..."

 

[maniac116]

 

[Pale_Rider]

Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

Hes dead.
________
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get hot sauce.

 

[The Morningstar]

Do you know what the ultimate goal is of someone who is sexually attracted to man-made low-tech sources of underground water?
You don't?
Well fuck.

 

[harmunee]

"i like my women how i like my wine,
12 years old and in the basement"

"what's the difference between a pizza and a baby?
a pizza doesn't scream in the oven"

 

[xeno112007]

My life

Yes my life is a dark joke.