How I know it'll be time, soon:
Found myself sitting in my car, but with nowhere to go. Full tank of gas, free time, extra money, but nowhere to go.
I was in the car because they were doing lead inspections in my apartment, and I didn't feel like engaging in small talk or any kind of socializing right now. I thought I might take a drive to get a cup of coffee, or something, just to move around. But I didn't. I just...sat there, in the cold.
I had no desire to go anywhere. Not to scout job locations, not to get coffee, not to see a movie, not to buy some useless junk, not to see some rural scenery...nothing. There's just nothing left for me to see or do. And no one left to be with.
The thing is: that didn't bother me. It was more of an internal signal that it's time, while I have the means to wrap up all my loose ends and make a clean exit with no emotional entanglements. I have a few months left on my lease, which gives me plenty of time to get affairs in order, if I even need that long. There's no point in dragging it out more than necessary.
I don't want to start over yet again, just more of the same, except with an even bigger uphill battle and no desire to see what's over that hill, because I already know, and I see nothing on the horizon to make me want to stick around. And I'm tired of false hope. My car wheels didn't spin today because I've been "watching the wheels" long enough. And that's ok. I've had good, and bad, but I've had enough of both for a lifetime. I always thought, since I was a kid, that I wouldn't live past 50 (and that's almost near). I made sure I did what I had to do, and saw what I wanted, and created what I could, to the best of my abilities. I'll have no regrets.
Found myself sitting in my car, but with nowhere to go. Full tank of gas, free time, extra money, but nowhere to go.
I was in the car because they were doing lead inspections in my apartment, and I didn't feel like engaging in small talk or any kind of socializing right now. I thought I might take a drive to get a cup of coffee, or something, just to move around. But I didn't. I just...sat there, in the cold.
I had no desire to go anywhere. Not to scout job locations, not to get coffee, not to see a movie, not to buy some useless junk, not to see some rural scenery...nothing. There's just nothing left for me to see or do. And no one left to be with.
The thing is: that didn't bother me. It was more of an internal signal that it's time, while I have the means to wrap up all my loose ends and make a clean exit with no emotional entanglements. I have a few months left on my lease, which gives me plenty of time to get affairs in order, if I even need that long. There's no point in dragging it out more than necessary.
I don't want to start over yet again, just more of the same, except with an even bigger uphill battle and no desire to see what's over that hill, because I already know, and I see nothing on the horizon to make me want to stick around. And I'm tired of false hope. My car wheels didn't spin today because I've been "watching the wheels" long enough. And that's ok. I've had good, and bad, but I've had enough of both for a lifetime. I always thought, since I was a kid, that I wouldn't live past 50 (and that's almost near). I made sure I did what I had to do, and saw what I wanted, and created what I could, to the best of my abilities. I'll have no regrets.
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