Fucking hate being alive but I'm too lazy to CTB

[Coolchicka]

I hate myself so fucking much. I wish someone would kill me

 

[Beautifulletdown]

I'm sorry. I can relate to feeling this way.

 

[JimFord99]

Well, I am afraid you will have to put some effort into it. Hate yourself does not help in either way. Get some sense and directions, have a goal and work towards it, even if it is ctb.

 

[Baskol1]

I dont hate myself. I see no reason why i should waste energy on hating myself.

 

[azucaramargo]

I hate myself so fucking much. I wish someone would kill me

I feel the same about myself, Coolchicka. Did something happen to exacerbate things?

 

[Dawn0071111]

I have some deep self loathing too... its a horrible feeling........ When its get bad the laziness might fade into action. Do you at least have access to your method?

 

[stellabelle]

I do but I don't. I've hated myself in the past. I guess I just hate waking up every single damn day. Give me a few weeks to let go and sleep it away.

 

[Coolchicka]

I feel the same about myself, Coolchicka. Did something happen to exacerbate things?

Ya I had a psychotic episode that completely fucked things up. Thanks for asking

 

[azucaramargo]

Ya I had a psychotic episode that completely fucked things up. Thanks for asking

I'm so sorry. Was this recently? Were you able to get help?

 

[Coolchicka]

I'm so sorry. Was this recently? Were you able to get help?

Ya it was early January, and I stayed in the psych hospital for around a month, but that was about it. My parents were pretty upset about it and scared of what I'd do (CPS was called), so they made me move to another country.
That's one of the main reasons I want to CTB - I really don't like this country. I'll probably never go through with it though

 

[First loss]

I can relate, friend, believe me. It just sucks.

 

[azucaramargo]

Ya it was early January, and I stayed in the psych hospital for around a month, but that was about it. My parents were pretty upset about it and scared of what I'd do (CPS was called), so they made me move to another country.
That's one of the main reasons I want to CTB - I really don't like this country. I'll probably never go through with it though

I was also in an inpatient facility, and then within a month, in another country. I went to the other country voluntarily, but it was VERY difficult and lonely.

Do you know when you'll be able to leave? Do you have any kind of support network in this other country?

 

[azucaramargo]

CoolChicka, in addition to having been in an inpatient psych facility, I also work in an inpatient psych facility. And, I just have to tell you how frequently "our" patients express terrible regret and anguish about the way they treated their loved ones during their episodes.

It breaks my heart to see people just HATING themselves so much and feeling such palpable guilt and self blame.

I really do think your family only wants for your health and peace of mind. People are mostly resilient and compassionate, and if people know you were hospitalized they will probably realize that any mistreatment was not a personal affront, but the reaction of someone struggling, and yearning for help.

Feel free to reach out to those people whom you think you offended (e.g., gratitude; sincere, succinct apologies). But, puhleez do not let these feelings of guilt eat you up.

One of the bonuses of being hospitalized, for me, was communicating to others the seriousness of my pain: it "showed people" I wasn't being willfully lazy, messy, or self-pitying.

You've got to try and be your own best friend in this new place. You would not stand by and allow a good friend to become racked with guilt; so, please show yourself some compassion and mercy.

You've got to try and take care of yourself as you would a good friend or family member. You need gentleness now, and sleep, and exercise, calm, and support.

I think it's important to talk about your experiences with people you come to trust. I kind of "let it all hang out" to a fault, but the upside of that is that I get a lot of information about OTHER people's experiences with the same stuff. In probably one of the most restrictive countries in the world, I was able to connect with locals who had experienced similar struggles. Feeling less alone really helps. When I got out of the nuthouse, I was really hungry to hear from people who "still" thought highly of me; I needed people to remind me of my good qualities because I was so hyper aware of my bad ones.

Young lady, try to focus on one day at a time, and not get lost in the big picture. Nothing is permanent, and you don't need to feel trapped. Take comfort in the idea that if things really do not appeal to you in this new country, you can go home. It's important to remind yourself that you always have options.

One phrase you can share with your family: "Making some friends here would really improve my outlook/mood. Socializing is very important to me." A lot of the time, the people around us don't know what we need, but they're dying to help. My mom felt so strange around me when I came home from that hospital, she dropped dishes around me all the time...breaking them.

Please don't give up on yourself like I did. Just as if you were caring for a baby, you've got to make sure you get healthy food, exercise, and companionship. Don't let that baby become addicted to TV and lethargy. Make sure she has some social contact, and does some reading, painting, etc.

Sorry to keep spouting advice, but be good to yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help or communicate your feelings to people around you, and those back home.

Also, it's important not to feel like you've been exiled. You're in this different country because you have an opportunity to study--not because people are trying to banish you.

Now is the time to practice aggressive compassion and self-love. We are all here with you anytime you feel alone.

Really hoping for the best. Be good to CoolChicka, please.

 

[PainAndSadness]

I hate myself so fucking much. I wish someone would kill me

I understand… it's hard to prepare

 

[makethepainstop]

Cold hard logic says if I continue to live like a rat alone in my cage, I will suffer.
However, I have the option to escape and run free. So why should I continue to exist in wretched pain, when the answer is so damn obvious? Death, I do not fear. PIan I have had enough of that for ten lives. I and I alone hold both the lock and the key!

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that for me the problem is that we live in a world where suicide can be so unnecessarily difficult and complicated. It really should be easier to be free from this world. I've always had a strong dislike towards existence, never seen any benefit to being here. Life is only suffering all for no purpose, and to me existing is extremely pointless. But planning suicide does require energy at least for me. And then there is the fear of failing ctb. I'm just so tired of it all.