I thought I had found the light at the end of the tunnel, at long last. Except.... today, I heard back from the first of the organisations. Because of my mental health problems, in spite of my physical ones, they won't help me. And think that 40 is too young. But it's not. I know my mind, I've known this is the path I would end up taking for a very long time. And 40 isn't young. I'm divorced, I've travelled. I've lived a lot, and now I'm disabled and can't work and live alone and am trapped in a prison, which is not what I want the rest of my life to be.
I would take things into my own hands but for one problem - the afterwards. Obviously someone needs to find you. I don't have anyone who could do that as I live alone. I don't want someone to have to come in after I've been gone for days, maybe even longer. No one should have to see that, not even professionals. I don't know how to be sure that I can go and yet be found, but not be found too early. It's literally the only thing stopping me, and basically the only reason I'd be spending 10-000 or more on an assisted suicide if I could get one. I feel so trapped and desperate now. I don't want to be stuck in this prison any longer. I've never wanted to be alive and for various reasons now I really have reached the point where I'm just desperate to be done. So desperate. The thought of living another day longer than I have to almost makes me throw up in terror. I feel so trapped and I don't know how to get out.
The only way I'm getting through days at the moment is drink and drugs. I feel so awful I'm barely eating. I guess I'm also sort of hoping that maybe I'll get lucky and the drink/drugs will combine with my medical problems and take care of the situation for me. Or maybe I'll get lucky and get covid and because my body is so broken I won't be able to handle it. Except I know, deep down, that I'm not that lucky...
I would take things into my own hands but for one problem - the afterwards. Obviously someone needs to find you. I don't have anyone who could do that as I live alone. I don't want someone to have to come in after I've been gone for days, maybe even longer. No one should have to see that, not even professionals. I don't know how to be sure that I can go and yet be found, but not be found too early. It's literally the only thing stopping me, and basically the only reason I'd be spending 10-000 or more on an assisted suicide if I could get one. I feel so trapped and desperate now. I don't want to be stuck in this prison any longer. I've never wanted to be alive and for various reasons now I really have reached the point where I'm just desperate to be done. So desperate. The thought of living another day longer than I have to almost makes me throw up in terror. I feel so trapped and I don't know how to get out.
The only way I'm getting through days at the moment is drink and drugs. I feel so awful I'm barely eating. I guess I'm also sort of hoping that maybe I'll get lucky and the drink/drugs will combine with my medical problems and take care of the situation for me. Or maybe I'll get lucky and get covid and because my body is so broken I won't be able to handle it. Except I know, deep down, that I'm not that lucky...
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