Help Friendship or lack thereof

[RwS]

Why am i excluded? I swear I must have gotten cursed or something when I was real young because i can't remember a single solid long friendship i've had since middle school. One platonic real true friend has always felt like the only type of person you could call a friend. Online friends are just too far away and uncertain, i wanna be physically close to someone and do spontaneous impulsive things and have a REAL connection, online friends might as well be dming someone else while your chatting : ( Can't believe i thought high school would be my big break, it ended up with me sitting by myself quietly or just staying home for the most part since no one wanted to talk outside of class or ever hangout. I REALLY gave it a try but ended up empty handed. It really sucks to have missed out on all those memories that you are supposed to make, and i have this feeling that any friend that i make now that is my age will already have made this memories with somebody else, making it impossible for us to be true friends. How can you possibly cope with this? Knowing that you will not be somebody elses only and (maybe a little to ambitious) FIRST friend hurts so bad. Am i being possessive? Obsessive? Maybe narcissistic, whatever the word is, cause i really can't tell. I know that this way of looking at friendship is a "red flag" but there must be someone somewhere that thinks like me.

I really really REALLY don't understand what's wrong with me, it's gotten to the point that i blame everyone else instead of looking inwards. I hate feeling like such a misanthrope whenever i see people having fun since i know in my heart i am as far away from a misanthrope as can be, but at this point i can't help but feel extreme jealousy and anger when I see someone laughing and smiling with their bff. I constantly yearn for a fresh start and that makes me doubt the innocence and high opinion i have of myself at times.
Idk anyone else feel like they have been cursed lol? Because I legit do at this point. Maybe this is more common than i think and people just bite their tongue and continue with their life but i seriously don't understand how someone could do that. I am so miserable because of this i can hardly get out of bed. We are made to express our emotions after all not hold them in.
Also i guess being a neet sure as hell don't help my situation so i'm planning on making a last effort soon that involves attending a dumb university pursuing a real dumb degree but the main goal will be making a friend. Maybe we can dropout together : ) One can dream! If that fails I don't understand how I could possibly continue living if I am forced to do so alone. The only thing keeping me alive is this last hoorah.

Anyone else feel this way when it comes to friendship? That it can only be you two and nobody else? Do any of you have a real friend or maybe friends? Good or bad? I hope you do!

btw are my ideas and what i'm saying insane? pls give me an opinion

 

[Lamentice]

It sounds like you just want someone to share life with and be understood and met by, which is fair. Does some of what you're saying sound posessive and unrealistic? Yes... to be honest. But deep, supportive friendships do exist out there, they just might not be exactly what you expect, but they will certainly be what you need.

My experience is that friendships in the teens-early & mid 20s can be very transient, and that's not negative (although definitely hurtful at times), but during these years people are still developing and going through more rapid changes and often times people just come and go--and I also just came and went from people's lives.

Friendships get more solid and fulfilling in the late 20s and/or 30s. People are more consistent & mature & know themselves better, it's just a whole different dynamic. People are also typically busier, but they're more genuine, so even though you may be seeing people less and friendships develop more slowly, they're less turbulent and more graceful.

I haven't gone to college [yet], but I've made most my friends in life through work. I see those people everyday, all day, at different times through their and mine's life while going through the stress of a chaotic work environment. Most the people I know made most their friend's through work as well. I've got plans to meet my coworkers tomorrow after their shifts. Granted, most these friendships don't survive too long once you leave a job, but some do, and those are solid friendships. I don't suggest getting a job hoping you'll make friends and then sharing every detail about yourself in an attempt to connect, people are weirded out by it, usually you just end up getting to know people naturally when you're around them so much and connections naturally form and then you end up hanging out outside of work and getting invited to things. I'm going to an anniversary celebration for friends I met at a job 2 years ago, we're not super close but they still invite me to parties and I usually don't RSVP, but every once in a while I go and it's a nice time: board games, instruments, chilling and talking and then we all go home (or sometimes a small group will want to continue the night and all go to a bar).

Anyway, I've also met friends through hobbies/activites... and that's what most people suggest, I know people who make a lot of friends in community sports or their pottery classes or whatever they do weekly, I haven't had as much success here, but I don't really do classes or sports, I'm a part of the local queer night life scene however and the connections I've made there I honestly loathe and have cut off a lot of people. Safe to say I don't really further connections in that scene anymore and intentionally keep things short with people and don't give out personal information. However, I have plans to join some dancing classes and stuff and I have more time than I did a few months ago so.. we'll see.

I don't really seek connection [anymore] and I find I don't desire it either (schizoid and all), but I put myself in a lot of different scenes and don't enjoy being cooped up in my apartment all the time so I do end up talking to people and making friends anyway. It's just kind of something that takes time and happens on its own, I also found it got better when people were more mature and everyone was more secure. Friendships with young people are honestly difficult and stressful in my opinon and in hindsight. I think there is a lot to look forward to with aging and too much pressure & confusion when you're young.

I think you should temper your expectations to make friends in college and pursue it for what's it's actually for: learning and starting a career (if that interests you), it's a lot of committment and work for something you might not care about. And I think a lot of self-sabotage comes from having the goal be to make friends rather than to just enjoy what you're doing and be present. In my experience people don't like desperation and they can sense it subconsciously a mile away. Real connections are made when you're not looking but are just living peacefully: cliche?--definitely--true?--definitely. I'm not a social person (again, schizoid and all), but I'm still not isolated and this is a place in life I got to once I reached an inner peace/security and was [and am] just doing shit in the world for the hell of it with no agenda.

 

[HandsInMyHead]

While your idea of a "true" friend is a bit strange, I think I understand where you're coming from. I struggled with wanting the kind of friendship where we grew up together, knew everything about each other, were there through all our different life phases, but unfortunately that kind of relationship is a rarity. If that sounds anything like what your thinking of, then I hope you don't put yourself down too much for not having that relationship with someone because it really is so rare to see.
While it's a bit different, I luckily did eventually end up making a friendship with someone that feels so incredibly close to that desired friendship I always wanted when I was younger, so I would disagree with your idea that it's impossible for you to find that kind of friend so long as you relax your expectations a little.

I'm obviously not aware of your situation, but making that first friend (if you haven't already) gives you so much momentum towards meeting other people, and making new friendships. Hopefully one of those people will click so well with you that they'd fit your criteria and be that close friendship you desire.
I've personally had "resets" in terms of friends because of transitions in life (moving schools, group conflict, becoming an adult) leaving me with usually just a couple acquaintances online (and I completely agree with you, online friendships are completely different and in my opinion inferior to in person friends). So I've done the whole making friends from scratch thing a few times, and I wholly believe if you can make that first connection, making further connections will come naturally.

I hope university works out for you, but like Lamentice said, I think you should temper your expectations and really use it to try improve your employability. Try and use it to kill two birds with one stone (making friends and furthering your career potential). You should absolutely sign up to events that other students organise, look online and I'm sure you'll find some student clubs that interest you. Even outside of uni, there are local communities of people who organise meet ups based on hobbies you're interested in and they would love to have you there.

You're ideas aren't insane, your desire for that close connection is human and I sincerely hope you can find that. Just keep trying, you'll make some good friends even if you can't find that "true friend". Wishing you the best of luck <3

 

[RwS]

Thank you both for sharing and giving me some perspective, I'm glad (but truly jealous lol) HandsInMyHead that you were able to find that someone :) I've always understood that around my age this is normal, friends coming and going, it's just that the people that have come and gone were more like acquaintances than friends, mostly classmates and work colleagues. I mean can you really call someone that left a friend? Even tho i miss my old bff i also despise him for leaving me. And feeling lonely isn't uncommon i know this too but this feeling is eating me alive atp, knowing that time is running out and having to spend that little time alone. And i understand that as people mature it becomes easier to stay friends but at that point you have an entire life behind you at that point that's filled with memories made with other people.

The problem that lies in making one friend to then snowball into making more is imo that those people guaranteed have other friends, I would find it hard and mean to force somebody to cut other people off. Plus i feel like i would be using that first "friend" if my intentions were to steal one of their friends and then ditch them, I guess it wouldn't be that hurtful but still, I also struggle to fake feelings like happiness or enjoyment, this would make staying friends with someone i don't really like practically impossible. This i could work on. I guess my problem is that i don't want to nor have i ever felt like i would have to put in what i would consider superficial effort, like getting a job or attending university. Real effort that means something to me is all I have to give. My ideal life when i think about it would be to have that one true friend and the rest is blank. So yes i guess a big part of my problem is that i reek of desperation and lack goals and have unrealistic demands and that I am lazy and...

I understand I have some self reflection to do, i truly don't think i can change and to be honest I don't want to since I feel like my biggest faults wouldn't be a problem for someone that's like minded. This would also require me to fake most of myself, this would attract nothing but the wrong kind of friends i think. I feel like there just has to be someone near me that feels the same, i've probably walked past them.

 

[SoverignDreamer97]

"You can't please everyone; control the things you can control." ~Suncha

 

[Lamentice]

I would find it hard and mean to force somebody to cut other people off.

Why would you do this?

So yes i guess a big part of my problem is that i reek of desperation and lack goals and have unrealistic demands and that I am lazy and...

I understand I have some self reflection to do, i truly don't think i can change and to be honest I don't want to since I feel like my biggest faults wouldn't be a problem for someone that's like minded.

There is a lot to unpack here, but ultimately you've decided you can't--and don't want to--change... or really just grow and develop and evolve into a self realized person with a secure identity. And... I don't know, that's gonna be a really difficult life path....

 

[RwS]

Why would you do this?

I'm monogamous when it comes to friendship i guess even tho that sounds a little ridiculous, therefor I would find it incredibly hard to trust and bond with someone if they had other friends, sort of like if your monogamous and you find out that your partner has other partners, that's the simplest way to describe how i feel. I guess I feel like friendship should be more intimate than most people do.

Me trying to change someone would be to try to make them "move on" from there former friends which sounds awful and would not end well most of the time I know. I know how this sounds believe me I'm not oblivious to the fact that what I'm asking for is considered toxic by most people. Ideally I would come across someone like me who hasn't had that many friends prior.

but ultimately you've decided you can't--and don't want to--change... or really just grow and develop and evolve into a self realized person with a secure identity

I guess you're right but i feel like I do realize who I am and know what i need. What do you mean by "secure identity"? Just curious. I know I'm not alone, I feel like I just got unlucky or something and missed out on meeting this someone when I was still really young.

I just can't see myself going on some "journey" were i change and learn how to cope with being someone's second choice. I mean isn't being someone's one and only everyone's dream?

Also thank you for responding you give me lots to reflect on, and i mean you're definitely not wrong ideally i would be the one who changes and becomes "polyamorous" lol.

I will not stop searching.

 

[HandsInMyHead]

I'm monogamous when it comes to friendship i guess even tho that sounds a little ridiculous, therefor I would find it incredibly hard to trust and bond with someone if they had other friends, sort of like if your monogamous and you find out that your partner has other partners, that's the simplest way to describe how i feel. I guess I feel like friendship should be more intimate than most people do.

I think I can relate to that feeling. I have an issue where I am very possessive of close friends, I feel jealous when they're with other people and when I learn they've made a new friend. Now that's unfortunately a consequence of me having BPD, and I don't dare attempt to diagnose you with anything, but it wouldn't hurt to have a quick look into if that condition lines up with your experiences. Here's the wiki pages for BPD symptoms and DPD symptoms. Take these as just something interesting to consider, I don't want to come across as one of those people who like to just throw whatever diagnosis they can onto people and call it a done job.

It also seems like you're probably conflating friendship and romantic relationships as a single thing. "Being someone's one" feels more applicable if you're talking about a romantic relationship, is it possible that's what you're really seeking?

Whatever it is, you can change how your brain thinks about these things if you try, but it will be a hard journey.
Sorry my reply is a bit all over the place, but I hope you can make sense of it and get something to think about out of it :P

 

[RwS]

It also seems like you're probably conflating friendship and romantic relationships as a single thing. "Being someone's one" feels more applicable if you're talking about a romantic relationship, is it possible that's what you're really seeking?

I suppose so but I don't see the harm in mixing the two. I mean why wouldn't you want your best friend to develop into someone you love if possible. And if what i feel is BPD or DPD i'm almost glad i have it even tho it has caused me much pain.

Thank you so much for responding so much, i feel like i really needed someone else's opinion on this, it's comforting to read that you feel a similar way, lets me know there's like minded people out there.

 

[HandsInMyHead]

I suppose so but I don't see the harm in mixing the two.

From my own experiences, I would warn it can be harmful. Once you get to a certain point in a relationship with someone, it seems kind of impossible to go back to a regular relationship. But that's just from my personal experiences.

Thank you so much for responding so much, i feel like i really needed someone else's opinion on this, it's comforting to read that you feel a similar way, lets me know there's like minded people out there.

Happy I could be of any assistance <3. There will always be people out there that have had similar experiences to you, no matter how strange or alone you feel. There's 8 billion people out there, the probability that nobody else currently alive has experienced what you are experiencing is near impossible. That's something I like to remind myself of when I feel like I'm going insane.