Freedom alone - with the fear of being alone (+vent)

[Life_and_Death]

I don't know what it is about me, but I prefer to be alone. Not in the way it's typically meant; I'd rather enjoy a book than an outing (although both do sound inviting). No, my problem is more about my physical ability to move. And it's not just what I've psychologically endured at my current place of residence, I was this way back at my parents place as well (which could be argued I was being given psychological problems as well, but I would at least spend most of my time outside alone (although back then, is still included in my problem).

I don't do anything. Back at my parents place, I don't recall helping out around the house much, but as soon as I was home alone (assuming I wasn't hiding with the dogs out of fear despite living in the middle of the woods; literally 4 houses on my street!!!) I cleaned like a tornado; a good one .

And that's the way I am where I currently live. I do clean when he's home (well, not lately due to health concerns) but it's more about my personal hobbies. I know I was feeling a little better when the bed was folded into a couch, but we don't have a proper cushion so its all messed up, difficult, a lot of work, we/I can't do that twice a day.
Part of me wonders if maybe part of it is me subconsciously being polite. If you have a guest over/hanging out with someone, you're there for them. For the most part you're not going to walk away and do something different on your own.

Spoiler: Personal

I struggle to even shower!

Can you relate? Are you better away from others but don't exactly want to be away?

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Of course then there's my anorexia. I've been doing a little better. Some days I have a few more snacks than others.... But even if I could get off my a$$ I still don't have the energy to. Although I did clean up the litter box and bathroom a little bit (yay me!) but then I get exhausted and have to take a week or 2+ to recover. I've been hoping that if I eat things will sort of start to magically fall into place; god I'm hating my body so much...and I'm barely gaining weight, last I checked I was only 110lbs..

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Of course, according to some people, anorexia's an excuse I wrote on an support forum basically saying "I'm stuck where I am for a bit, what can I do to keep myself from completely drowning in the meantime". Apparently because I can't physically take care of myself and I feel it's best for me to do that before moving I "refuse to change". Lmfao, no, if I moved right now, I'd most likely die. Some f'en humans

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