Venting found my old journal, entry of first psych appointment

[brokenwaves]

found my old journal that i wrote in sporadically from ages 16-19. god it's horrible reading through it all and hearing about all the pain i was experiencing even at 16, same shit that i'm still experiencing today. i really don't know how the fuck i made it this far, i should have given up a long long time ago. one entry that really got to me was written after an attempt to ctb, i'm left in the "care" of a useless psych. it reads:

Such bullshit, psych asks me if I feel like hurting myself - I tell him I always feel like hurting myself, he just moves on to the next question. I tell him I tried to kill myself recently, that I'm losing my mind...and he doesn't say shit. Like how many cries for help are necessary to finally get a response? I need help soon or I'm going to kill myself.

what the hell??? it's so depressing reading this because i remember this feeling, i've experienced it every time i've been in contact with a mental health "professional" - how on earth can you leave a patient feeling more suicidal after the appointment than they were before? this was especially a horrible experience as it was my first time attending a psych after an attempt like that, and I naively had a little hope that they would be able to maybe even help me. i've never felt more dehumanised in my life than when sitting in front of a psychiatrist

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel like most of these professionals are useless, or at least in my opinion. I just think talking can only fix easily solvable problems. Many professionals are unsympathetic as they haven't suffered themselves and they are just in the job for the money.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm so sorry to hear this. The past can really hurt.

I have a mental journay and when I remember my school days, I just wanna cry and get really angry.

However, yesterday, my dad gave me some letter he, my mom and brother had written to me when I finished high school and I cried like a baby. They were sooooo proud and they had no idea how painful those days had been for me!

 

[esoterispeec]

It's just a job to them, they see hundreds like us in a week. Just another number to them.