For how long you want ctb?

[tevati]

Was there some better time between the years?

 

[EndofMyRope]

Was there some better time between the years?

As long as I can remember...

 

[Lefty]

Off and on since I was 14/15. Now I really want to. I'm almost 30. I really hope to end it very soon.

 

[Crest33]

It first hit hard when I was 14-15. It went away a bit. Now it's peaking.

If i look back at those years. I didn't achieve jack shit.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Since early childhood. I lived in such an abusive home that I was clinically depressed. Instead of being sent to a child therapist, I got beaten more for looking "miserable". My parents are bastards.

 

[Red star]

Age 13/14 and yeah there was some good in between. All those attempts did damage..If I could go back and tell myself how to go about getting what I need to hold on I would.

 

[Severen]

Was there some better time between the years?

Sometime early this year, I realized, I'm in a hopeless position. And CTBing is better than dying a slow painful death.

 

[Kyrok]

My mother reminds me that around the age of 9 or 10, I wrote my "last will and testimony."
I wonder what life would have been like if they put me in therapy... but that was over 40yrs ago, well before the proliferation of therapists.

Maybe 3 or 4 yrs since then where I felt my life wasn't horrible.

 

[TAW122]

I have wanted to ctb for well over a decade now. My first ideation of suicide was around my pre-teens to early teens (like 13-14 years of age). I will say that I had some temporary spates of better times such as milestone achievements and what not, but overall my life is a joke and a failure (no job, poor social prospects (no friends and never dated), failing in many areas where most people succeed, etc.). The temporary better times are usually very short-lived and are fleeting. Most of the time I just cope via spending time on here, playing video games, listening to music, or watching philosophy and other videos that most people find too complex/boring. I'm really only a major catalyst and a perfect timing away from ctb'ing.

 

[wanttodie]

I have wanted to ctb for well over 15 years

 

[Tyuiop]

I first attempted at 15, since then I have wanted to ctb on and off. Often I just wished to die in my sleep. But there were some years, from 2010 to 2013(high school), when I didn't want to die. I was still depressed, but I had some fun during those years, and I had goals and hope that my life would get better. After that I became more depressed, and had suicidal thoughts on and off, but no attempts. 2017 was another good year, but 2018 was very shit, I attempted twice. I have now realized that I should have just taken antidepressants and never stopped, because even during the good years, I was still depressed, made bad decisions and didn't do the things I should have done, like properly studying. Now it seems that the regret will kill me.
Edit:Also, sometimes I feel like I don't want it, but I have to do it.

 

[SiArc]

I have wanted to CTB since I was about 9. I am 32. I have had two attempts. One at 15 and one two weeks ago. That one would have worked if my friend hadn't called 911. I was so close CPR and paddles were used. I was officially comatose. So pissed but at the same time glad someone cares for me. I still plan on CTB'ing. I just do not fit in this world, never have and never will.

Edit: There have been few and far between really good times but they are always followed by something really bad so I do not look forward to good times.

 

[LifeSick]

Well, I'm the weird one here then, it's only 3 or 4 months for me. I've been depressed for way longer than that though.

 

[Empty Smile]

Since the day I was born.

 

[wxtyubidi7y]

3 years. With a couple of short periods of tolerating life in between slabs of preferring ctb.

 

[divinized]

Since I was around 11-12.

 

[therhydler]

guess I'm the second odd one out...about 3 months. But when it hit me that this is my only option it hit me hard. My mind has never wavered since

 

[Jiva]

So long, how long i have pains. Circa two years.

 

[Final Escape]

It started to get more regular and severe by my late 30's but ctb thoughts have been there a long time. It's just that life got harder and I accumulated more disappointments and heartbreaks.

 

[none666]

Pretty recent for me actually, after losing my faith in christianity i kinda lost all reason to keep going, i was leaning on the crutch of religion heavily. That combined with a move to a foreign country with lots of time to ponder the meaning of life without God made me come to the conclusion life is pretty meaningless, and it really hurts to live, so why keep hurting? Why keep trying?

 

[Final Escape]

Pretty recent for me actually, after losing my faith in christianity i kinda lost all reason to keep going, i was leaning on the crutch of religion heavily. That combined with a move to a foreign country with lots of time to ponder the meaning of life without God made me come to the conclusion life is pretty meaningless, and it really hurts to live, so why keep hurting? Why keep trying?

Why did u lose faith? What brought on the nihilism?

 

[Eden2k]

Suicidal since 7, first attempt at 11.

 

[TheCrow]

Since early childhood. I lived in such an abusive home that I was clinically depressed. Instead of being sent to a child therapist, I got beaten more for looking "miserable". My parents are bastards.

Omg! Jesus, I am so sorry. That makes me sick.

 

[TheCrow]

Since I was 14/15. Maybe 13? The depression started when I was in middle school, but I don't remember if I was suicidal right away. My parents got divorced and my father was extremely abusive toward my mother. He threatened to kill her. In the same year, I was heavily bullied at school. I guess it changed me as a person; I was just never the same. In my late 20s, I had a few happy years when I lived in California and worked as a teacher, but then I got laid off, went through a horrible break up, and had to move back to my home state all in the same year. That was pretty much the start of things going back to shit again. Now I have CRPS and have to use a walker/wheelchair and am totally dependent on my parents. I'm not even suicidal in a hysterical way anymore, it's more like, ok—I think it's pretty obvious we're done here.

 

[Nanako]

guess I'm the second odd one out...about 3 months. But when it hit me that this is my only option it hit me hard. My mind has never wavered since

I feel the same way. And it has been one week in my case. I cried very hard in the first few days.

 

[TheCrow]

I feel the same way. And it has been one week in my case. I cried very hard in the first few days.

Aww, I'm sorry. I know the feeling. We are all here, we understand. Sending you love and hugs. xo

 

[Nanako]

Aww, I'm sorry. I know the feeling. We are all here, we understand. Sending you love and hugs. xo

Thank you for your kindness. :)
I wish you good luck with what your current plan is

 

[TheCrow]

Thank you for your kindness. :)
I wish you good luck with what your current plan is

You are very welcome, dear. And thank you.