BoulderSoWhat
Student
- Aug 29, 2024
- 195
Well, I'm taking in my car for an oil change and general service today. I had not touched anything left in my car after leaving inpatient post CTB attempt on June 2nd 2024. My first attempted attempt was on my 30th birthday May 29th 2024. High uncertainty of success stressed me out and I stopped after having prepared.
I tore down the tent I setup and stuffed in into my passenger side leg area. I just removed it 10 minutes ago, every day when I got in my car to go get coffee or more recently started going back to work, it was always in my line of sight.
But even after leaving inpatient, and I saw it again, I had no thoughts about it. I wasn't triggered by it, I didn't feel much of anything. I didn't feel nothing though. It wasn't acceptance or complacency, I think I had just so entrenched the mindset that I'm moving forward, that there was no mental conflict to be had when I see what was almost my coffin.
Even pulling out the tent, I've just thrown it into the corner of my apartment, so I'll still look at it. Hell, the table I have my laptop setup on, was almost my coffin on June 1st 2024. But uncertainty again took hold and I ripped off all the tarp and duct tape and settled to try again the next day.
Ha, I found the last meal that I had before I did attempt on June 2nd, a Pizza Hut pizza box. Thankfully I was courteous enough to whoever might have found it, and threw away the leftovers before trying to leave planet.
All my guitars that are probably bust from cooking in my car during summer heat. Ah a digital piano that I thought I had thrown away in some random dumpster at 3AM who knows where.
And even still, looking at everything again, it doesn't feel like I'm facing anything. I'm not confronting anything, but I'm not suppressing anything. What I feel I guess isn't me telling myself that these things have no power against me. It's more like the state where I have no need to tell myself those kinds of things, because it's just core now that these things don't affect me, they don't bother me.
I don't feel like a failure. I don't feel ashamed or bothered or anything negative about what's happened.
It's my story, and all that I will ever do with my story while I'm alive is just deal with it.
Best regards everyone
I tore down the tent I setup and stuffed in into my passenger side leg area. I just removed it 10 minutes ago, every day when I got in my car to go get coffee or more recently started going back to work, it was always in my line of sight.
But even after leaving inpatient, and I saw it again, I had no thoughts about it. I wasn't triggered by it, I didn't feel much of anything. I didn't feel nothing though. It wasn't acceptance or complacency, I think I had just so entrenched the mindset that I'm moving forward, that there was no mental conflict to be had when I see what was almost my coffin.
Even pulling out the tent, I've just thrown it into the corner of my apartment, so I'll still look at it. Hell, the table I have my laptop setup on, was almost my coffin on June 1st 2024. But uncertainty again took hold and I ripped off all the tarp and duct tape and settled to try again the next day.
Ha, I found the last meal that I had before I did attempt on June 2nd, a Pizza Hut pizza box. Thankfully I was courteous enough to whoever might have found it, and threw away the leftovers before trying to leave planet.
All my guitars that are probably bust from cooking in my car during summer heat. Ah a digital piano that I thought I had thrown away in some random dumpster at 3AM who knows where.
And even still, looking at everything again, it doesn't feel like I'm facing anything. I'm not confronting anything, but I'm not suppressing anything. What I feel I guess isn't me telling myself that these things have no power against me. It's more like the state where I have no need to tell myself those kinds of things, because it's just core now that these things don't affect me, they don't bother me.
I don't feel like a failure. I don't feel ashamed or bothered or anything negative about what's happened.
It's my story, and all that I will ever do with my story while I'm alive is just deal with it.
Best regards everyone
