Venting Feeling very distressed

[Pryras]

For the past few months I've been trying to recover by myself and I see some moments of progress but then the suicidal ideations come rushing back in waves.

Short version [ friend took advantage of me and when I didn't get the apology or acknowledgement I needed I ended up venting to IRL acquaintances and it came back to bite me when he heard my words]

but I feel extremely guilty for my actions while also feeling distressed and hopeless that I'll never get an apology from someone who hurt me. I removed all contact and it stings. I feel guilt but also resentment.

I wish I could handle my anger in grace and stay quiet about things. Allowing time to heal things and karma to work on it's own. I'm too emotional and while I can adore someone with all my heart I also can hate just as strong. I'm tired and wish I wasn't like this

 

[madbananas]

Your first paragraph, I could have written also.
I'm sorry that people have treated you in a way you don't deserve and then from what it reads like to me, they've turned it around on you. Correct me if I'm wrong with that assumption though.
Some of us naturally have more intense emotions than others and the way we respond can often highlight to the person the pain they've caused someone, which they then would rather deny. I bet you'd be a great advocate for others experiencing injustice.
I'm sorry what you've been through.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I think that your guilt is actually a sign you that you did the right thing.

Guilt messages often come up when one has done something to take care of themselves, like seeking support and defending their boundaries.

 

[Pryras]

Your first paragraph, I could have written also.
I'm sorry that people have treated you in a way you don't deserve and then from what it reads like to me, they've turned it around on you. Correct me if I'm wrong with that assumption though.
Some of us naturally have more intense emotions than others and the way we respond can often highlight to the person the pain they've caused someone, which they then would rather deny. I bet you'd be a great advocate for others experiencing injustice.
I'm sorry what you've been through.

I agree. My emotions are very intense and I don't have much of a neutral reaction to anything. I apologized profusely before ending contact. It felt like he would justify EVERYONE'S reaction but mine. There's an excuse for everyone to say what they want but the minute I express my feelings I'm sabotaging his relationships. I realized I wasn't going to find middle ground or an apology from him so I ended it.

 

[Pryras]

I think that your guilt is actually a sign you that you did the right thing.

Guilt messages often come up when one has done something to take care of themselves, like seeking support and defending their boundaries.

I hope so. I'll admit a part of me is a bit relieved that I'm feeling something and I'm not I'm likely not a narcissist, despite how intense some emotions can be. Wish I could be Graceful about things but I get this sudden onset of resentment that has to be dealt with immediately. It's like I can't wait it out and think before "doing"
I feel like I have so much left to say but since I ended it I'm not going back. I don't know I hate having to explain my actions and feelings but it's something I felt the need to. Ugh....(repeats to myself) "I'm not going back"

 

[madbananas]

I agree. My emotions are very intense and I don't have much of a neutral reaction to anything. I apologized profusely before ending contact. It felt like he would justify EVERYONE'S reaction but mine. There's an excuse for everyone to say what they want but the minute I express my feelings I'm sabotaging his relationships. I realized I wasn't going to find middle ground or an apology from him so I ended it.

I hope you feel somewhat liberated despite how hard it may be at the same time.