Long story short, I have BPD, have fallen into a deep depression and have been considering CTB actively for a few months now... again. Might be my meds talking (especially mirzaptine lol), but I finally got the courage to write it down somewhere, so here it goes:
2 years ago I tried to CTB via partial, it failed and after my SO saw the marks on my neck the next day it ended with me in a psych ward for ten long days and a recovery clinic for another horribly long month. Before that I had another failed attempt when after a few hours of pacing back and forth I jumped into the local river just to realize I was up to my chest in freezing water and I just got out of there and drove home soaking wet (car stank like a swamp for months). I hoped that was the last of the call of the void for me, but...
This autumn, after considering "falling" from a bridge into the river and chugging antifreeze, I ordered SN, got it delivered and it's waiting for me outside in the trunk of my car, haven't even opened the package yet. Ordered it on my (struggling, almost failing) business, it was the only way to do it.
Thing is, I have a family and I can still remember when I used to be happy and enjoy my daily life which I despise right now. At the same time, I feel like an utter failure, a fraud, a shitty parent (I have 2 small kids) and a bad partner for feeling so depressed and suicidal. It's like half of me is calling me to dump the SN somewhere or send it back and half is begging me to just drive out to a remote place and drink a glass of me-no-more.
Trying to make it look like an accident (ideally) is probably out of the question by now, my SO knows I am struggling, but I feel determined to do it even if it would break their hearts. I keep telling myself everyone will be better off without me and advance on my plans, but I feel like I should just stop at one point before it's too late. OTOH, I can see the end so near and the peace it might bring me. I would order N to help on the making it look like an accident part but it's quite expensive and customs might seize it before i get it.
Decisions, decisions...
2 years ago I tried to CTB via partial, it failed and after my SO saw the marks on my neck the next day it ended with me in a psych ward for ten long days and a recovery clinic for another horribly long month. Before that I had another failed attempt when after a few hours of pacing back and forth I jumped into the local river just to realize I was up to my chest in freezing water and I just got out of there and drove home soaking wet (car stank like a swamp for months). I hoped that was the last of the call of the void for me, but...
This autumn, after considering "falling" from a bridge into the river and chugging antifreeze, I ordered SN, got it delivered and it's waiting for me outside in the trunk of my car, haven't even opened the package yet. Ordered it on my (struggling, almost failing) business, it was the only way to do it.
Thing is, I have a family and I can still remember when I used to be happy and enjoy my daily life which I despise right now. At the same time, I feel like an utter failure, a fraud, a shitty parent (I have 2 small kids) and a bad partner for feeling so depressed and suicidal. It's like half of me is calling me to dump the SN somewhere or send it back and half is begging me to just drive out to a remote place and drink a glass of me-no-more.
Trying to make it look like an accident (ideally) is probably out of the question by now, my SO knows I am struggling, but I feel determined to do it even if it would break their hearts. I keep telling myself everyone will be better off without me and advance on my plans, but I feel like I should just stop at one point before it's too late. OTOH, I can see the end so near and the peace it might bring me. I would order N to help on the making it look like an accident part but it's quite expensive and customs might seize it before i get it.
Decisions, decisions...
