Venting Feeling so conflicted and sad(looking for advice but also comfort)

[sohopelessandempty]

I'm not sure if I will ctb, but I've started writing my notes in advance so I have them ready for if the day comes. I was editing my suicide note for my boyfriend, and re-reading it, it makes me so sad. I imagined how he would feel once he read it and all I felt is this unimaginable pain and heartbreak, and a feeling of doom in my chest. I made another post asking if he'd ever get over it if I killed myself, and the general consensus from the replies is no, or that it really depends since everyone is different and internet strangers don't know him personally(obviously haha). But I know deep down he will never get over it. I don't want to hurt him. Being alive is just too painful, I don't know what to do or how to make this pain go away without committing suicide, but then that will put the person I love the most in pain. I can't do that to him. I don't want him to suffer like I have. I love him more than anything. That is part of why I bothered getting help at all. I'll try a million different treatments before I leave him scarred forever, with a hole in his heart that will never truly be healed. At least that's how I feel, but sometimes I just want to kill myself anyway. I don't want to hurt him. Life is just too unbearable. It often feels like I can't do this anymore, and yet I'm still here. I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure if I want people talking me out of suicide or not. I just want this agony to stop but without hurting him, or anyone else who actually loves and cares about me. I know he truly loves and cares for me, that's why it would hurt so much for him if I was gone. I really don't want to hurt him, I guess I'd like some advice.

 

[leftoperish]

This is one of those cases where no one can ever say the right thing tbh. But i can say for sure there's always a right and a wrong way to do things but priority comes first. I feel you need to find out what is more important to you on your own then take your time to find the best delivery method to make him understand what needs to be done. I'll give you an example if you care about some one you shouldn't be lazy about them even till the very end this is in no way to make you feel sad but a letter is extremely lazy. And the funny part is only you can actually think up a more suitable way to let em know you love him and would be sad to leave him alone but you have to be yourself till the very end and do what YOU want for your life. Heck even a short scrap book filled with memories or a homemade movie with memories is way better than a letter imo, but you know em better than anyone so don't take my idea as law like i said it's just an example also there's this thing i learnt from a friends grand ma, not everything is ,want to be said, if you know something will without a doubt hurt someone and your aim is to just make them happy, then don't say it skip it and keep good memories good, so rather than telling him all the things that made you sad tell him all the things that made you happy and spare him a lifetime of torture. He'll remember you more all in goood light cause when he moves on, which he most definitely will it may come to be that he tells the next person about you so passionately and the next one might even have to adjust to the fact that there was someone so passionate in his life that trumps anyone one else but i a happy non toxic note. I'll be CTB soon also but my life is basically sunshine and rainbows honestly cause I dictate it and no one else. I absolutely despise the idea that we the suicidal have to be the saddest mofos and I've met a lot of people who thought them selves to be happy even in the midst of chaos so I'd urge you to calm down and really think about your BF and the things he'd like and make your final message to him one you know he'lll definitely smile about….i really hope you find happiness in making it and get the peaceful rest we all deserve (i know it may come of as condescending but it's my opinion none the less if you know it will shatter him then you should try to think up ways to lessen thee impact and not just change your mind)

 

[Abandoned Phantom]

It sounds like he really loves you. Will he ever get get over it? Who can say, but he will get past it, in time. When my mom lost her dad, (he died suddenly of a heart attack) she was sad for weeks. This was like 15 years ago. Now. every once in a while, she thinks about him, and is sad that he's gone. But its not an overwhelming sadness like it was in the beggining. She's not over it, she still misses him, but she was able to move past it. The same will happen with your boyfriend. It will hurt, and it will hurt for a while, but he will heal. There will be a scar on his heart, but the happy memories that you two made together will be what he remembers. His sadness and despair will wash away.

 

[sohopelessandempty]

This is one of those cases where no one can ever say the right thing tbh. But i can say for sure there's always a right and a wrong way to do things but priority comes first. I feel you need to find out what is more important to you on your own then take your time to find the best delivery method to make him understand what needs to be done. I'll give you an example if you care about some one you shouldn't be lazy about them even till the very end this is in no way to make you feel sad but a letter is extremely lazy. And the funny part is only you can actually think up a more suitable way to let em know you love him and would be sad to leave him alone but you have to be yourself till the very end and do what YOU want for your life. Heck even a short scrap book filled with memories or a homemade movie with memories is way better than a letter imo, but you know em better than anyone so don't take my idea as law like i said it's just an example also there's this thing i learnt from a friends grand ma, not everything is ,want to be said, if you know something will without a doubt hurt someone and your aim is to just make them happy, then don't say it skip it and keep good memories good, so rather than telling him all the things that made you sad tell him all the things that made you happy and spare him a lifetime of torture. He'll remember you more all in goood light cause when he moves on, which he most definitely will it may come to be that he tells the next person about you so passionately and the next one might even have to adjust to the fact that there was someone so passionate in his life that trumps anyone one else but i a happy non toxic note. I'll be CTB soon also but my life is basically sunshine and rainbows honestly cause I dictate it and no one else. I absolutely despise the idea that we the suicidal have to be the saddest mofos and I've met a lot of people who thought them selves to be happy even in the midst of chaos so I'd urge you to calm down and really think about your BF and the things he'd like and make your final message to him one you know he'lll definitely smile about….i really hope you find happiness in making it and get the peaceful rest we all deserve (i know it may come of as condescending but it's my opinion none the less if you know it will shatter him then you should try to think up ways to lessen thee impact and not just change your mind)

Nothing I do will lessen the impact much honestly. It would destroy him if I died. Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think he'll get over it. Maybe date someone new eventually, but there will always be a part of his heart that I was in, and it can't be replaced. Why not just change my mind instead of trying to think up ways to lessen the impact when it'll be devastating regardless? I know you're not forcing me to do anything though, I appreciate the advice. I'm just not sure if suicide is right for me. I like to think that there has to be another way out, but I haven't figured it out yet. Also just curious, I'm aware not every suicidal person has to be super sad or anything, but if you said your life is sunshine and rainbows why are you gonna ctb?

It sounds like he really loves you. Will he ever get get over it? Who can say, but he will get past it, in time. When my mom lost her dad, (he died suddenly of a heart attack) she was sad for weeks. This was like 15 years ago. Now. every once in a while, she thinks about him, and is sad that he's gone. But its not an overwhelming sadness like it was in the beggining. She's not over it, she still misses him, but she was able to move past it. The same will happen with your boyfriend. It will hurt, and it will hurt for a while, but he will heal. There will be a scar on his heart, but the happy memories that you two made together will be what he remembers. His sadness and despair will wash away.

I want to believe this but everyone is different, and many replies on another post of mine said the opposite. I'll never know if he'd get over it, because if I ctb then I'm dead(obviously). I just don't want to hurt him at all, and I think it might be different due to both of us being 18, we planned a future together and everything, we haven't gotten to experience so many things. The future seems much brighter with him, I haven't even gotten to live with him, or have our own place and stable jobs and get married and live happily ever after. I want to know what life would be like with him, living life together. We're together now, but it's not the same as when we're older and live together. To die before then would be really sad. That I didn't even get to experience those things yet. Maybe it's worse for me to die at this age than if I was older.