Feeling like such an outcast

[Final Escape]

It's just hitting me today feeling like I've always been on the outside looking in at life but never really being part of it. My heart feels that tightness and squeeze. Heartache

 

[UninformedLover]

I know how you feel. Its as if my life is a video game and I am only a npc. I hope you be okay friend. If you need someone to talk too I am here.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Sorry to hear that .
You posted a you tube vid the other day about CPTSD , and it really helped me , so thanks.

I'm not into the whole PM thing - I find it very stressful !

But I respond to general / public venting and comment .

I can relate to the out cast vibe .
I did a thread about it a few days ago ...
I don't know what it is for you , but for me it is a lot of 'not being with myself' , like I just disown myself in a way .
It's all that childhood shit .

Sometimes it's overwhelming , ( one thing though - I think long term members on here can feel a bit 'wrong' ... and I don't buy into that at all . ) Just my opinion .

 

[Final Escape]

Yea Im struggling today lol! I wish I could get over everything like being a failure at life. Not a failure at surviving but at actually living yes.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Totally relate.
I've done some yards and amazr myself on reflection .

At the moment I'm in full 'licking my wounds ' mode ,so a lot of survival stressors are on low.

Even so , or because of that , I experience the void .
I love music and art and have the opportunity to do a bit now .
Nuffin !

That's why I liked that you tube video ( And I'm not throwing it back in your face )
about the INTENT concept .

( A therapist said "Agency " once to me years ago ... and I just didn't get it.
Then I started panic attack anxiety painting , probably re-traumatising myself with rehashed shit from the past .

Any way .

If you're not careful I'll start spamming Buddhist propoganda,

One big thing I noticed was that I remeber always rejecting with a capital R , the idea of "loving kindness"

a , because I had rarely rarely experienced it and
b, because it seemed "fake" and wrong and not how th world /reality really is . ( rather be unhappy and right than fake shit ,kind of thing )

Well , in desperation I started to mantra-ise "loving kindness" to myself " I give myself unconditional love " kind of thing.

It's real new agey woo woo stuff for me , but straight from the western Buddhist canon , not that that matters ;
It's more that the child inside us who is so lost and alone and doesn't belong needs that voice of acceptance and belonging .

Nothing you don't know already - as I have read your self hypno suggestion stuff ...

Just wanted to expand on my enthusiastic gratitude for a few differnt things clicking . Maybe . ( Obligatory disclaimer ) .

It's important to grieve to , I guess ? and own it ... I had a cry the other day .
A fucking relief - it had been years !

 

[a_strange_day]

I can totally relate. Been like this since I was very young and tbh until a few years ago it was more or less ok, I was still able to find ways to cope...bad ways most of the time. But the older you get the harder it is. Hugs.