Venting Feeling Hopeless/Introduction Post

[MidnightTrains]

Hellooo
Sorry in advance if none of this makes any sense, I'm really bad at writing and expressing my emotions.

Just some general info:
I'm gonna go by my username here: MidnightTrains. I'm 19, I live in Texas and I'm a freshman in college.

There's not much to say about me. I had a relatively normal childhood. I have a sister who's a few years older than me, my parents got divorced when I was still a toddler. I lived with my mom and saw my dad regularly. I guess I am loved.

I say I guess because I've never felt loved or felt love for others. I'm loyal and I care about my family and friends because I value them but its never deeper than that. I was never able to say "I love you" to my parents without it feeling forced. It makes me feel so shitty like there has to be something fundamentally wrong with my brain.

I used to enjoy doing things like drawing and playing video games but now, all of my passion is gone. I try to fill the void with little things that make me happy, like going to concerts, collecting random trinkets, and eating my favorite foods. It works in the moment but at the end of the day I still feel shitty. Not even sleep is an escape.

I started hating myself around the beginning of high school. I thought it was just a small teenage angst phase but every year it got progressively worse. A lot of this self hatred came from comparing myself. It's a habit that cannot be broken. I cant even look at anyone without feeling envy. It doesn't matter if they're in a worse or better situation than me. I see a group of friends hanging out, I get jealous. I see a family having fun, I get jealous. I see someone grieving a lost one, I get jealous because I wish that I loved someone and that someone loved me that much.
Now I'm just a bitter and angry shell of a human that is trudging through life. I've learned to keep my head down and stay quiet because I'm very prone to lashing out at the smallest things.

I thought moving out to college would make me feel better. The independence is nice, but being in a new environment completely alone is hard. I'm too anxious to make friends and I don't even see the point because I know something about them will bother me and I'll start to hate them. (That's a whole 'nother thing that I don't wanna get into rn.)

I never learned to share my feelings with other people and I think I'm a lost cause at this point. I want to be loved (platonically or romantically) so bad but I don't even know what love feels like. I push away everyone because I'm afraid of being hurt and rejected if they knew who I really was. I don't see any good in me. I'd be sparing myself and others from pain if I just ended it all.

Also, I spent so long trying to hide my feelings that they don't even feel real or valid. My life was fine, I have no reason to be sad right? I'm just a spoiled piece of shit who wants everything yet it'll never be enough. I'm too self aware. I believe that because I know something is wrong with me, I should be able to fix it but I can't because I lack the willpower. I'm so tired of being alive.

I know I'm still young. Initially I said I was going to give it till I'm 30 and if I was still unhappy I'd commit. I have career plans so I really want to give life a try. But I'm running out of things to look forward to and I can't envision a future where I'm content. I don't know if I can wait to be free of this pain anymore.

My college offers counseling to students so I think I'm going to try that out. Kinda as a last resort. I really don't think it'll work. I'm far too stubborn to change.

 

[darksouls]

you are welcome

 

[DontCryForChimp]

Hello.

Your writing is fine, this is a good introduction. I'd say just be careful of sharing too much personal information. I can relate to a lot of the sentiments you've shared here, I think most of us will.

"I have no reason to be sad right? I'm just a spoiled piece of shit who wants everything yet it'll never be enough", it is okay to feel this way but remember that suffering is relative. There isn't a one size fits all mold for these types of things, some rigid formula where only some issues are valid and others aren't.

As for the counseling you mentioned, definitely go for it, try to exhaust all the available avenues before you decide on something like CTB. There is also the recovery discussion forum where you can access resources that might help you. I just hope you will be able to find comfort here, and find an escape from your problems, one way or another. Looking forward to updates from you.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Welcome to SaSu!

 

[MidnightTrains]

Hello.

Your writing is fine, this is a good introduction. I'd say just be careful of sharing too much personal information. I can relate to a lot of the sentiments you've shared here, I think most of us will.

"I have no reason to be sad right? I'm just a spoiled piece of shit who wants everything yet it'll never be enough", it is okay to feel this way but remember that suffering is relative. There isn't a one size fits all mold for these types of things, some rigid formula where only some issues are valid and others aren't.

As for the counseling you mentioned, definitely go for it, try to exhaust all the available avenues before you decide on something like CTB. There is also the recovery discussion forum where you can access resources that might help you. I just hope you will be able to find comfort here, and find an escape from your problems, one way or another. Looking forward to updates from you.

I appreciate this a lot, thank you :)

I'm glad a place like this exists. It's not easy to talk about irl.

I will definitely go to the counseling. I've never tried it before so it'll be a new experience. Hoping it goes well.

 

[EternalShore]

Welcome to SS~ :) I'm sorry that you feel the need to join here, but I hope you can find kindness, warmth, and empathy while you're here~ :)

I'm sorry that distractions are no longer enough for you~ :( I wish you the best with finding a career and someone who loves and appreciates you~ :) While I don't get jealous over everything, I find myself getting jealous quite easily too~ :( and well, college is full of things to be jealous and/or disgusted by~ >_< Something that helps me, particularly regarding getting jealous of married couples with kids is to remind myself that they're like 30+ years old, and I'll surely have that by then~ :) otherwise, well~ :((( unfortunately, in these college years, one is stuck in a limbo of unhappiness with relationships (platonic and romantic) like that~ :( I get that this doesn't help with all forms of jealousy, but it's something you can try in order to help a little with some~ :) I haven't found a way to overcome all yet unfortunately~ >_<

I wish you the best in trying to get friends and potentially a romantic one too irl~ :) Unfortunately, I have not yet, but many people here are very nice to befriend instead~ :) and the best in your career too, since you have to have aspirations in that department! ^_^

 

[MidnightTrains]

Welcome to SS~ :) I'm sorry that you feel the need to join here, but I hope you can find kindness, warmth, and empathy while you're here~ :)

I'm sorry that distractions are no longer enough for you~ :( I wish you the best with finding a career and someone who loves and appreciates you~ :) While I don't get jealous over everything, I find myself getting jealous quite easily too~ :( and well, college is full of things to be jealous and/or disgusted by~ >_< Something that helps me, particularly regarding getting jealous of married couples with kids is to remind myself that they're like 30+ years old, and I'll surely have that by then~ :) otherwise, well~ :((( unfortunately, in these college years, one is stuck in a limbo of unhappiness with relationships (platonic and romantic) like that~ :( I get that this doesn't help with all forms of jealousy, but it's something you can try in order to help a little with some~ :) I haven't found a way to overcome all yet unfortunately~ >_<

I wish you the best in trying to get friends and potentially a romantic one too irl~ :) Unfortunately, I have not yet, but many people here are very nice to befriend instead~ :) and the best in your career too, since you have to have aspirations in that department! ^_^

Heyo ^-^
I try to be optimistic when I can but its easy to let the hate creep in...
Thanks for your kind words though! ♡

 

[claviceps.purpurea]

I can empathize a lot with what you're saying. You remember me when I was younger somehow, despite living different situations, especially now.
I just want to tell u that EVERY pain and sorrow is valid and you don't need to think it's worth less than others.

If you need, my DM is always open to talk. I'm also new, so if you wanna talk we can only use "conversation" rather than "chat".
I send you a hug and I hope you'll find the support u need.

 

[fedup1982]

Welcome, and I'm sorry you feel like this I hope you change your mind and decide to try and make friends

 

[MidnightTrains]

I can empathize a lot with what you're saying. You remember me when I was younger somehow, despite living different situations, especially now.
I just want to tell u that EVERY pain and sorrow is valid and you don't need to think it's worth less than others.

If you need, my DM is always open to talk. I'm also new, so if you wanna talk we can only use "conversation" rather than "chat".
I send you a hug and I hope you'll find the support u need.

Thank you ♡
I'll keep that in mind