Venting Feeling guilting for wanting to ctb

[jscudd55]

I'm new here but been lurking without account for awhile basically 19 and I'm diagnosed with npd and bpd and just overall struggled with depression entire life, even remember being like 11 wanting to ctb. Anyway recently after around 2 years of thinking about it I'm certain on it. The only thing is i feel guilty doing cause i'm a pretty well liked guy, have lots of friends, loving family, known in community well. will say though alot of people that love me I don't truly care about cause of my npd. I just feel like I am being selfish for taking my life to escape this painful mostly false existence but the thought of having to wear a mask to cover the npd and bpd for the rest of my life sounds horrible. My ex(who I hurt bad cause of npd and bpd rage/mania moments) is the only person who knows and only person i think i genuinely love and care for says she'll never forgive herself and hurt forever and wants me to live for her then always tries to do the family and friends thing against me too and it exhausts me mentally even more. I just feel so bad that ill hurt alot of people and alot of people might blame themselves like she will even if I explain to them its not their fault(in a note) I just don't want to live with the pain and the unstable mental anymore. I've debated on crashing my car so accident would be easier to take but si is insane anytime ive truly tried. Tried with taxus seeds(have heart problems and was hoping it'd appear heart just went out) but just was out of it for a bit and didnt die and currently thinking of saving up for N so it'd be peaceful but it'll be 100% known which really bothers me. Feels like im living for other even with my own death.

 

[cloudgazer26]

guilt is normal I think, I know i feel guilty when I think about cbting but i also have been guilted by family into staying alive so *shrugs* were made of guilt it seems.

 

[littlelungs]

Continuing to live purely out of guilt is an awful feeling, and (based on my own experience) can even make a person feel a little bit resentful, because you're protecting the feelings of others by living, but at what cost?

I think guilt is normal, but that obviously doesn't make it feel any less unpleasant. I feel for you.

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

I just feel like I am being selfish for taking my life to escape this painful mostly false existence

IMO, it is more selfish for others to force you to live for their benefit.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is not selfish at all, as I see a right to die as a basic human right and it isn't like we asked to exist in the first place, so we have no obligation to stay alive. However suicide is a pain cycle, to end our own it passes it on to others, so those feelings of guilt are common. It would be selfish for other people to expect me to suffer though.I wish you well.