Venting fears about ctb vent

[punisheralbum]

note: I started writing this after taking my sleep medication so it might be kind of disjointed, I'm sorry.

I'm thinking about ctb all the time. anhedonia, PTSD, it all kills me. by no means did I have a healthy childhood - I suffered from abuse and neglect that gave me CPTSD - but man do I miss the ability to ever feel good feelings that I had back then. the feeling of fresh crayons. stickers at school. the heat of a 100° day. christmas time. the rage and drama and heartbreak of first real love. as badly as everything hurt, it could feel good, too. but I never feel that way anymore. I feel love, devotion, gratefulness, mercy. not joy. never. neutrality, decency, compassion. not happiness. the other day I stood facing the sun with my eyes closed, feeling that light on the back of my eyelids, and I just thought about how nice it would be to die right then. I'm drawn to partial suspension and I've been thinking about it everyday. I'm in pain all of the time with no joy or happiness or relief. the biggest thing stopping me is my girlfriend. I love her with all of my heart and I want to be with her forever but I just don't know how to live like this forever. if I were to ctb I don't know how she would cope and it worries me a lot for her. I already feel like my life is ruined and I could never exist in any existence, in any form, knowing that I ruined hers. I want her to be alright. I also don't want to be in pain anymore, or for her to have to deal with my pain anymore. I've taken every medication, gone to every therapy appointment and I'm not sure it ever really gets better for us. I'm not sure there's a future for me. I want to go. depending on the pain I might stick it out a little bit longer…

 

[whywere]

HI! YOU are such a kind, and loving soul, reread your post several times because of how unselfish and ultra kind you are towards your girlfriend and every one in general. YOU are AWESOME!

I know at least somewhat how you feel as I only seem to have good feelings when I hop on SS and someone says something nice to me or I can try and make someone's day better. I have tried I think almost every type of therapy out there except like shock treatments and it did little to nothing for me.

Now I am by myself but you have a loving soul mate and I pray and hope that somehow with her help, being around you and supporting you and everyone on SS you can have days filled with love, caring, laughter, sunshine and a loving experience.

I send you huge hugs, lots of caring and love and the knowledge that YOU are important and a caring soul. Have a week filled with brilliant blue skies and warm feelings.

Always my best to you,

Walter

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, life really is so cruel. I understand not wanting to cause others pain, but I understand how hard it is to carry on when you are suffering. It is like being trapped. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.