Venting Family Therapy with Abusive Parent: Is This Normal?

[RockCandy]

I went to family therapy. The therapist made me revisit memories of seeing my dad abuse my mom right in front of me. I was shaking and crying, and the whole time my dad kept insisting it never happened, saying she must have "deserved it." The therapist barely acknowledged it and just moved on.

She also had me talk about times my dad abused me. I even showed her pictures of bruises he left from physically hurting me. He kept denying everything, and it honestly felt like she might have believed him. She told me to bring more pictures. When I said, "What could an 11-year-old possibly do to deserve being choke-slammed?" my dad responded, "Obviously you had to have done something." The "something" was that I did not want to cut my birthday cake. The therapist said nothing. Later, she brought up how my dad was disciplined with a belt as a kid and said something like, "That's just how he was raised," almost excusing it.
It feels like she's trying to justify my father's abuse toward me and my mom by saying it was okay because he was spanked as a kid.

Another time, I brought up how I was bullied by my stepmom's child. The therapist asked if I ever told my stepsister that what she was doing was wrong (we're both adults, and my stepsister is actually older than me). I said no, and my stepmom rolled her eyes. Then the therapist said, "Well, maybe you should do that." I responded, "I feel like it's just common sense not to lie and tell people your step-sibling does porn," but she just repeated herself. My stepmom tried to excuse it by saying her child was "only joking," and when I said that's not something you joke about, the therapist still kept insisting, "Well, then tell her." It wasn't a joke, and I kept trying to explain to the therapist that my stepsister seriously told her friends I did porn. Her friends were genuinely shocked when I told them it wasn't true. It felt like the therapist wasn't even listening to me.
I don't want to be friendly with my bullies. Why didn't she tell my stepmom that behavior wasn't okay?

Am I crazy for thinking this is wrong? Is family therapy even supposed to feel like this? Every session turns into a list of everything I'm supposedly doing wrong and how I'm not trying hard enough to leave. I've applied for so many jobs and heard nothing back. I don't know what else to do. I just want to get away from these people.
I have cats — one with special needs — and I can't leave them with these people, or I would have already gone to a shelter.

I made it past the date I had planned to end my life, and I feel so much regret. I wish I had gone through with it. I don't want to return to family therapy, but if I don't, things are only going to get worse for me. I dread going because I know nothing good will come from it, and she says things that make my narcissistic parents feel justified in what they do.

 

[Dot]

Hve u tld ur therpst tht u r feelng dismssd

= strnge hw thy wld justfy wht ur fathr dd bt nt dscuss th/ effct on u

Smetmes thy xplain an abusrs histry in a wy tht mght hlp u wth 4givenss bt wht u r sayng snds as tho thy r nt axknwldgng u

Wth rgard 2 ur cat - thre r fostrrs wh/ wll tke in animls specfclly fr ownrs wh/ r fleeing abse & movng in2 sheltrs - perhps u cld contct ur locl sheltr or fostr orgnsatn & ask thm

 

[FoxSauce]

Jesus that sounds like he'll! Being there with the people that hurt you

Thats takes a lot of guts. Of what your saying, pretty well sounds like they dont wanna admit they were wrong.

Im so glad you stood your ground, if you think your therapist isn't working can you ask for a different one or talk to her privately? Idk im just asking in no way I'm telling you what to do

But in all honestly I wouldn't have the guts to go to a family therapist even tho I've been recommend but I absolutely won't ever do. That takes guts and im proud.

I honestly wish I could help with your living situation or atleast some advice but I havent even moved out so.

I really hope your doing ok if not, that's ok too.

 

[Hvergelmir]

"That's just how he was raised," almost excusing it.

I interpret it as giving up. She can't make the past undone, and she can't force him to change.

My stepmom tried to excuse it by saying her child was "only joking," and when I said that's not something you joke about, the therapist still kept insisting, "Well, then tell her."

If she finds it enjoying, and you allow it, it will continue. It's not right, but it is how things work. Take the advice and try to stand up for yourself.
It's not guaranteed to work, but it's a good start.

Every session turns into a list of everything I'm supposedly doing wrong and how I'm not trying hard enough to leave.

I don't think it's about assigning blame, but focusing on what you can affect, while ignoring what you can't. You only have direct control over yourself.

Ideally you would be in a better situation, but it is what it is. Reality is harsh, and your family is unlikely to change as long as they are content with the situation.
You're not content. You have reason to change the situation - yourself and your circumstances.
Don't think in terms of flaws and responsibility, but what you want to achieve, and how.

You have the right to be angry and disappointed at your family, just don't turn it towards yourself. Adopt a problem solving mindset. Don't expect the people causing a problem to suddenly repent and solve it.

Have you told your therapist that you're feeling dismissed?
It's strange how they would justify what your father did, but not discuss the effect on you.
Sometimes they explain abusers history in a way that might help you with forgiveness, but what you're saying sounds as though they are not acknowledging you.

With regards to your cat - there are fosters who will take in animals specifically for owners who are fleeing abuse and moving into shelters - perhaps you could contact your local shelter or foster organization and ask them?

Great advice in regards to the cats.

 

[voidangel]

i'm sorry you're being treated like this. you deserve better

 

[Nothing Left]

I angry reacted because of your family and seemingly incompetent therapist.

Of course, it's difficult to tell if she's actually incompetent or just plain corrupt.

On the one hand, maybe you could say she's trying to get you to confront these people with your feelings, but it also seems like she is not advocating enough for you.

There is nothing in your parents' past that justifies or excuses their abuse towards you and any therapist with a modicum of empathy and logic would know that.

And if he is still putting hands on you, he can get put in cuffs.

 

[bankai]

I wish I could paint a picture of how awesome life is going to get, but the truth is we're stuck with these fools. Until a certain age, till we're independent. Just study. Get a good job, move out. Let useless parents just get old and be alone and die out.Is not having kids such a complex concept?Why? Why would you have kids if you're not willing to treasure them and make them #1 in your life? If you don't want to be like that, then don't have kids. Simple.

 

[Rudi]

i cant explain how much anger i felt reading this.
"that's just how he was raised" doesn't mean he can raise you like that. if anything, he should know better than that because he KNOWS what kind of shit pain that is. what kind of parental behaviour is this?? (if you can even refer to him as a parent - he seems more like a monster to me.)

you deserve so much better. so so much better. i can't give much advice (unfortunately) but don't let these people, who don't seem to care about anyones feelings apparently, stop you from getting a job successfully and from moving out successfully at some point. you seem to really love your cats, try and find comfort in them. <3 i know it's hard, it definitely sounds rough but just keep going and show them you're worth more than whatever bullshit they're saying.
also what kind of shit was your sister thinking when telling them you do porn? she probably does that herself secretly, ugh.