Venting Failed attempt regret

[Pangs93]

I so badly wish it had worked 8 years ago. When I had no real reason to live so the decision was so easy and I didn't feel any sort of survival instincts kick in, only peace and euphoria. I didn't feel fear or doubt or even guilt. I felt so good about my decision. It felt right. It was right.

I regret my survival so much. If I had stuck to my original planned date, I wouldn't be here. Unfortunately a few days prior someone I thought was a friend antagonised me into attempting ahead of schedule. It was that decision that led to my survival. If I were a better person perhaps I'd feel grateful for that but I don't. You hear so often of people surviving attempts who immediately regretted their decision. I wish that were me. I wish I found a new love for life. I wish I could feel happy I survived but I can't. This world is disgusting. Its only getting worse. My own life has also been almost nothing but misery, before and after the attempt.

Now attempting feels much harder. There's always something holding me back. Guilt and responsibility, mostly. Also after my last attempt I developed an intense fear of what comes after. I don't even believe in any sort of afterlife and yet I'm so scared something worse is waiting for me. What if I escape this hell just to end up worse off. That paranoid fear wasn't something I'd ever felt before my NDE. Something changed inside me that day.

I just wish I would've died that day or better yet had never been born. This is a living hell and I feel trapped here now.

Part of me is convinced I did die that day and this is hell. This is the something worse I am scared of. The world has gotten worse, my life has gotten worse but the thing that makes me feel this is hell the most is being unable to make myself even try to CTB anymore. Before that attempt I had attempted many times before. Now I haven't attempted at all in 8 entire years despite feeling significantly worse than I did before that attempt. I think I really am in hell. I can't die, I must be in hell.

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I feel you, mate. The world is a horrible place, and I'm incredibly sorry that you were convinced to try before your date. Is it worth looking for the good in the world? Not really. What I'd say, if you're of legal age, buy a gun. They're fairly reliable, and this thread will tell you where to shoot if you're using a handgun. As for getting over the fear of what comes after... I don't think I can help with that. Turn to Seneca or Marcus Aurelius or something, anything on peace. Wish you love and peace, mate. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/bullet-trajectory-brains-and-you-a-physics-problem.222389/

 

[Pangs93]

G

I feel you, mate. The world is a horrible place, and I'm incredibly sorry that you were convinced to try before your date. Is it worth looking for the good in the world? Not really. What I'd say, if you're of legal age, buy a gun. They're fairly reliable, and this thread will tell you where to shoot if you're using a handgun. As for getting over the fear of what comes after... I don't think I can help with that. Turn to Seneca or Marcus Aurelius or something, anything on peace. Wish you love and peace, mate. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/bullet-trajectory-brains-and-you-a-physics-problem.222389/

Getting a gun where I live is near on impossible. That won't be an option for me. Besides I don't need help with methods. I'll do the same thing I did last time with better timing and a few other minor adjustments. Getting over my fear and guilt is the only obstacle.

Appreciate it tho!

 

[hughmun9]

I relate... When I was 19 and had my first attempt by jumping in front of a train I felt fully convinced that CTB-ing was the right choice. I did not feel any regret, doubt or guilt. I was disappointed it didn't work, and I also had someone who was indirectly responsible for 'saving' me that I felt no gratitude towards. Nowadays there is something holding me back from CTB-ing. It doesn't feel as clear cut as it felt at first.

 

[wisdom]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, when I failed first time I felt the same but then I failed again and I'm glad that I did have another chance, now I'm recovering maybe you could try

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Getting a gun where I live is near on impossible. That won't be an option for me. Besides I don't need help with methods. I'll do the same thing I did last time with better timing and a few other minor adjustments. Getting over my fear and guilt is the only obstacle.

Appreciate it tho!

Alright, no problem. Luck and the best to you!

 

[Pangs93]

I'm sorry that you feel that way, when I failed first time I felt the same but then I failed again and I'm glad that I did have another chance, now I'm recovering maybe you could try

I have been trying. For 20 years. I entered the mh system when I was 13. I'm 33 now. Therapy, so many meds, psych ward admissions. Nothing has helped so far. My life has only gotten progressively worse. Now I've lost my home and lost my cat along with it, my only real reason for hanging on. Its been almost 6 months and I still can't find somewhere to live. I'm so tired of trying just for everything to keep getting worse. The attempt 8 years ago wasn't my first, only my worst in terms of severity. I never gained any appreciation for life after the dozen or so prior attempts either. Only repeated disappointment at surviving.

I do want to live a life worth living. I genuinely do. I really do want to live but I really can't keep living lole this. The life I have now can hardly even be considered living at all, merely surviving. My mental health issues are severe and my life circumstances don't appear to be changing any time soon. If I do get a place to live and it doesn't end up being as horrific as my last 2 living arrangements then maybe I'll try again but that seems extremely unlikely atp.

I'm really glad you got a chance at recovery! Unfortunately that doesn't seem likely for me, at least not anytime soon. I don't think I can keep hanging on for only a possibility at a better life. I'm sorry. I'm trying.

 

[wisdom]

I have been trying. For 20 years. I entered the mh system when I was 13. I'm 33 now. Therapy, so many meds, psych ward admissions. Nothing has helped so far. My life has only gotten progressively worse. Now I've lost my home and lost my cat along with it, my only real reason for hanging on. Its been almost 6 months and I still can't find somewhere to live. I'm so tired of trying just for everything to keep getting worse. The attempt 8 years ago wasn't my first, only my worst in terms of severity. I never gained any appreciation for life after the dozen or so prior attempts either. Only repeated disappointment at surviving.

I do want to live a life worth living. I genuinely do. I really do want to live but I really can't keep living lole this. The life I have now can hardly even be considered living at all, merely surviving. My mental health issues are severe and my life circumstances don't appear to be changing any time soon. If I do get a place to live and it doesn't end up being as horrific as my last 2 living arrangements then maybe I'll try again but that seems extremely unlikely atp.

I'm really glad you got a chance at recovery! Unfortunately that doesn't seem likely for me, at least not anytime soon. I don't think I can keep hanging on for only a possibility at a better life. I'm sorry. I'm trying.

Damn, I'm really sorry that you had to experience that. I didn't have such big problems so it's wrong that I tell you to keep trying while I haven't experienced what you have experienced. I wanted to tell you that as since my last try my Life is slowly getting better so I'm grateful to have survived. Anyways wish you the best I Hope everything gets better for you and you can live a happy Life. The times I tried I was sure that It was what I had to do and now I realise that It wasnt but thats my case, I just thought It could be yours too.

 

[Pangs93]

Damn, I'm really sorry that you had to experience that. I didn't have such big problems so it's wrong that I tell you to keep trying while I haven't experienced what you have experienced. I wanted to tell you that as since my last try my Life is slowly getting better so I'm grateful to have survived. Anyways wish you the best I Hope everything gets better for you and you can live a happy Life. The times I tried I was sure that It was what I had to do and now I realise that It wasnt but thats my case, I just thought It could be yours too.

I still appreciate the sentiment even if it doesn't really apply to me! I wish it did lol I really do.

 

[wisdom]

I still appreciate the sentiment even if it doesn't really apply to me! I wish it did lol I really do.

wish you the best good luck