NeoN0va
fading away
- Sep 24, 2024
- 182
The closer my CTB comes, the more I seem to fade away. As I've mentioned before already, I have two sides of myself; the one that wants to live no matter what and has not abandoned all hope yet, and the second one that just doesnt care anymore.
The thing is, Ive been feeling like that first side of me is just slowly fading away, no matter how hard I try to maintain it. The pain is overwhelming me. Im still not free from my parents, nor I think I will ever be unless I ctb. They were trying to make me fall for this illusion that they've changed so that I'd trust them and change my mind about them, but holy shit how awfully have they done it. They can't hide their true faces from me, Ive lived with them my whole life after all, so I know the best when are they lying.
Upd on plan: I'll visit a zoological shop next monday, hopefully Ill find an aquarium kit there. If not, then online is the only way. I'll also try to perform a blood test, but not sure will I be able to go past my limits and cut myself. I was able to do that only once, and that was because of an insane impulse. Tried a couple times later, but never succeeded.
Wish you all a goodnight and deserved rest.
The thing is, Ive been feeling like that first side of me is just slowly fading away, no matter how hard I try to maintain it. The pain is overwhelming me. Im still not free from my parents, nor I think I will ever be unless I ctb. They were trying to make me fall for this illusion that they've changed so that I'd trust them and change my mind about them, but holy shit how awfully have they done it. They can't hide their true faces from me, Ive lived with them my whole life after all, so I know the best when are they lying.
Upd on plan: I'll visit a zoological shop next monday, hopefully Ill find an aquarium kit there. If not, then online is the only way. I'll also try to perform a blood test, but not sure will I be able to go past my limits and cut myself. I was able to do that only once, and that was because of an insane impulse. Tried a couple times later, but never succeeded.
Wish you all a goodnight and deserved rest.
