Venting Facing the reality that suicide is my only option

[AJC]

I think I gave up on life essentially when I was 9, I'm 26 now. People always regurgitated the old adages at me, "it gets better", "it's a permanent solution for a temporary problem", etc. It never did. It never got better. I write this without a single friend, unloved, in a dead end job, with my mental health rapidly deteriorating. Every day my thoughts become more irrational, my cognition slips more and more, and I find it harder to function as an adult. I can't hold a conversation with people anymore, I can't remember the things I've been told or read mere seconds later. I'm just watching as I slowly descend into madness and there's nothing I can do. Mental health professionals have outright told me that they don't know how to help, and none have been able to anyway. I'm entirely consumed by my mental health issues and they render me dysfunctional. I hate myself. I hate how I look, I hate how I talk, I hate how I think, I hate my personality, I hate my life. There is no course correction for me, everything I try fails. It's like I'm cursed. I tried college, fail. I tried moving somewhere new, fail. I tried making friends, fail. I tried finding love, fail. I'm nothing but a misanthropic mess, tortured by life. Every day is agonizing. I live in a constant state of dissociation. Nothing feels real, I don't feel real. I don't know who or where I am and it all feels wrong. There truly is no way to fix this. I've exhausted every option. So my only choice is just to end everything. It's the only way to quell my suffering

 

[imOK]

I'm 42 now and was always like that too. It never did get better.

In my case, I learned to handle it better though. The bouts of depression still are completely crippling, but they get less... scary? Maybe. It's just experience. You learn what is coming and what to expect when it starts again. It just gets less and less horrifying on an existenial level with the years because all the bad things you're afraid of happening will happen down the road and will end up being "passed milestones", you kinda harden against the bad experiences. It is true in a way that the worst lows, just like the highs, are never truly permanent and life does not end because of them. So there's a little bit of truth to that "it get's better" thing, even if it's a generally unhelpful thing to say, because, well, it just doesn't. Doesn't fix the anguish, certainly doesn't fix the real, practical problems that crop up either because these are the ones you gotta face in that moment and some idea of it getting better somewhen past them is not really helpful.

The lows are still completely destructive though. People like to say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but in my experience it's more like "what doesn't kill you has still the capacity to completely fuck your life up". I don't know what to tell you. If you don't end it now, your life most likely will not end by itself, and there actually will still be good moments here and there, 5, 10, 15 years down the road. Is it all worth it though? That I really cannot answer. I think I also honestly got lucky a lot and got through everything with my dignity somewhat intact. That is not be the case for everybody. Don't wait on "normal" people in particular and society at large to understand. They never will. We're just wired wrong and they cannot fix it.

 

[taylorj]

I'm 42 now and was always like that too. It never did get better.

In my case, I learned to handle it better though. The bouts of depression still are completely crippling, but they get less... scary? Maybe. It's just experience. You learn what is coming and what to expect when it starts again. It just gets less and less horrifying on an existenial level with the years because all the bad things you're afraid of happening will happen down the road and will end up being "passed milestones", you kinda harden against the bad experiences. It is true in a way that the worst lows, just like the highs, are never truly permanent and life does not end because of them. So there's a little bit of truth to that "it get's better" thing, even if it's a generally unhelpful thing to say, because, well, it just doesn't. Doesn't fix the anguish, certainly doesn't fix the real, practical problems that crop up either because these are the ones you gotta face in that moment and some idea of it getting better somewhen past them is not really helpful.

The lows are still completely destructive though. People like to say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" but in my experience it's more like "what doesn't kill you has still the capacity to completely fuck your life up". I don't know what to tell you. If you don't end it now, your life most likely will not end by itself, and there actually will still be good moments here and there, 5, 10, 15 years down the road. Is it all worth it though? That I really cannot answer. I think I also honestly got lucky a lot and got through everything with my dignity somewhat intact. That is not be the case for everybody. Don't wait on "normal" people in particular and society at large to understand. They never will. We're just wired wrong and they cannot fix it.

I feel like this was said perfectly...and yeah it's more like "what doesn't kill me just fucks me up mentally"

OP, I'm sorry you feel this way. It isn't fair. It's also not okay that you have had such bad experiences with mental health professionals that more than one have actually told you that they simply don't know how help you ...unless it was said in a "can't help you til you're willing to help yourself" kind of way which is a bit more understandable. Even if you feel you cannot help yourself.
I can relate to what you're saying. It doesn't always get better for everyone, sadly. There's no easy statement that will instantly make you feel better even though there are lines like that that tend to work on normal people. All I can offer is my compassion and let you know you aren't alone in how you are feeling. At least you have the choice to let go of the pain if that is what you truly feel is the right move for you. I hope you can find some relief in this life.