NSFW Experienced something that wasn't sexual assault, but somehow it bothers me really bad

[crabclaw]

So, I have been sexually assaulted before, but I'm referring here to an experience that was not sexual assault.

Spoiler even though it's not explicitly sexual, just in case.

Spoiler: What Happened

When I was a little kid, my parents were very physically affectionate with me. They would do this thing with me that I'll just call "snuggling" because the word we used for it is in my family's native language. Snuggling involved hugging, kissing (not on the mouth), rubbing their face on mine, smelling me, to name a few things. I know it sounds weird but in my parents eyes it is not at all sexual, and just something they do with familial affection. This would often happen at night, in my bed, and most often with my father on top of me. My parents also snuggled my siblings, but much less than they did me, because I was the youngest and "cutest". It went on for years, and for quite a long time it would happen every night.

I expressed MANY times to both my parents and my siblings that I strongly disliked snuggling. It made me really physically uncomfortable and my dad's beard scratching on my face drove me insane. So much so that when my current partner's beard scratches my face I feel almost sick. I hated it so much that I would punch, slap, kick, or scratch my dad to try get him off of me. I did this to the point where it left marks on him, but he continued. My parents and siblings all believed that it was just me being difficult and nothing ever changed when I complained. My siblings didn't mind it, so my parents both said that I shouldn't mind it either. Once, I did break down crying because of it and they showed me sympathy, but still, nothing changed.

I am still holding a lot of resentment towards my family for how they all dismissed me despite how much distress it caused me. I never bring it up now that we're all adults, because still, none of them think of it as seriously as I do. It makes me question, was it really that bad, or am I overreacting over something that shouldn't bother me? It makes me feel terrible. And then i feel even worse because I'm worried that I'm the one at fault, and that I'm angry at my parents and siblings for nothing. I feel like because it "wasn't sexual" that I have no right to be upset over it. Like it's not that serious.

When I type it out I think I can see how bad it actually sounds. But at the same time I really feel like I'm blowing it entirely out of proportion. Just would appreciate any thoughts on the situation from somebody who's not involved, or any advice on how to cope. Thanks.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

i think I understand what you mean by snuggling. my family does it too actually. not just my family but people in my country in general.

though not THAT way where (in your bed. at night specifically)
but yeah other stuff just seems normal to me at least... doesn't seem anything bad. unless this was when you were MUCH older. in that case yeahhh. I would assume this stuff would stop at around the age idk. 6-8 if the parents are REALLY affectionate

but then again. I wouldn't really know much about this. not a parent and I just dislike kids and stuff they do with them in general so I have very little memory.
but in my eyes yeah it seems like parents snuggling and cuddling their kid which I won't find it...bad really.

perhaps I'm over simplifying it. or maybe I'm not understanding it correctly. I'm unsure.

generally if this is like. Really old stuff then I feel like holding a grudge over this is a bit. silly?
but if it's something that happened recently and this kept happening even after you were above 13+ and they still didn't listen to you then yeah no. that's just genuinely crazy.

 

[enjoytheride]

Hello! Kudos for the courage to share this and ask for our thoughts on the matter.

I can see to some degree that it is normal for parents to give affection to their children. But there are two points that I think are relevant.

First, at a certain point snuggling made you feel really uncomfortable, to the point of breaking down and crying on an occasion. Affection isn't supposed to do that and it isn't supposed to make you not want it and worry about it.

Second, what you say about how your father would snuggle really does raise a red flag with me. I am not citing your words directly as to not reveal what you have put in the spoiler.

To wrap it up, I don't think you are blowing this out of proportion. You seem to be able to put things into perspective and discern what was excessive in your parents' behaviour.

 

[lilyistootired]

I think it's important to remember that the same factors that cause sexual assault to be traumatic can exist in other situations as well, even those that are nonsexual. Even if the situation wasn't sexual, it was still a violation of your bodily autonomy and integrity that you were unable to stop, and that itself can be traumatic. In what probably sounds profoundly stupid, it was still kind of deeply violating and internalized shame whenever it comes to mind over when I had restraints placed on me in an ambulance taking me to the psychiatric hospital involuntarily when I was a child and still just makes me feel vaguely gross, which obviously is nowhere near as bad as what happened to you, but violation can be traumatic regardless of the reason.

The fact that you made your lack of consent to the situation clear and it continued despite you even physically fighting back makes your family's behavior in the situation utterly indefensible, and your siblings lack of reaction doesn't make it any more okay. Consent on the part of others to something does not make a violation of consent on your own part any less traumatic. You're not overreacting, just because they refuse to acknowledge the harm doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

i think I understand what you mean by snuggling. my family does it too actually. not just my family but people in my country in general.

though not THAT way where (in your bed. at night specifically)
but yeah other stuff just seems normal to me at least... doesn't seem anything bad. unless this was when you were MUCH older. in that case yeahhh. I would assume this stuff would stop at around the age idk. 6-8 if the parents are REALLY affectionate

but then again. I wouldn't really know much about this. not a parent and I just dislike kids and stuff they do with them in general so I have very little memory.
but in my eyes yeah it seems like parents snuggling and cuddling their kid which I won't find it...bad really.

perhaps I'm over simplifying it. or maybe I'm not understanding it correctly. I'm unsure.

generally if this is like. Really old stuff then I feel like holding a grudge over this is a bit. silly?
but if it's something that happened recently and this kept happening even after you were above 13+ and they still didn't listen to you then yeah no. that's just genuinely crazy.

It comes off as kind of gross to me to suggest that it's silly to "hold a grudge" over what sounds like it was a fundamentally traumatic situation. While obviously parents may have to override the child's immediate desires in certain situations for their own protection, in situations like this, I don't think there's any age too young for violations of bodily integrity that are explicitly voiced by the child to matter.

 

[LilGhost]

What you described sounds bad. I have experienced similar shit with my mother, which made me realize that that wasnt it. For a long time i thought my mother just doesnt understand the concept of "no" but she dont mean any harm (except for... when I resisted), until I realize that it was just a sign of worser shit she did (like apparently, when you are getting undressed and touched where you shouldnt be for "religious rituals" is not okay... thats just an example but i dont feel comfortable sharing all the shit she did). So... There could be more inappropriate shit your parents were doing you didnt realize wasnt okay.

Also, ignoring consent. That can actually end ugly. Like, even if imagine they didnt mean any sexual by it and there is nothing except what you described - it still very well could have leave huge trauma and you are clearly showing signs of it. The fact that they didnt stop after physical fight is sickening. Your siblings might be minimizing it because a) they were exposed less to it, b) (as i assumed) they didnt dislike touch as much so they didnt fight it as the important part i see is the lack of consent, c) they dont want to admit that what had happened was bad as its hard to accept
So. Just so you know: Your experience is valid

Also, side note:

So much so that when my current partner's beard scratches my face I feel almost sick.

You should talk about it with your partner. If i were them, id shave my beard off of it causes my partner lots of distress. Or so they know to be mindful about minimizing that type of touch (if you didnt ask about it yet) as in my expirience, getting rid of a trigger eases life a lot
(i hope my words make sense, im having a migraine)

 

[Mrs. T-800]

It's as simple as: a boundary is a boundary and it was crossed, several times, and in a way that guilted you. Ick.

For example, a male relative used to call me his trophy wife when I was like 12-14. Not sexual, he's awkward so I'm sure he meant it in a way to tell me I'm pretty, but it made me feel uncomfy inside and it didn't stop when I asked for such.

Especially bodily boundaries are this way.

 

[hurts2b]

Your wishes (and your distress) were ignored by your family. It's okay to be upset about that even if it wasn't sexual assault. It was, clearly, still something that upset and bothered you. That's okay.

 

[never mind me]

The snuggling itself sounds odd to say the least, I am not quite sure what to think about it. If all involved were ok with it, it probably wouldn't be much of an issue though. But you clearly weren't and made this quite clear. To continue and thus disrespect your boundaries is really bad. I can absolutely understand that you are upset about it. And there is no reason to minimize it, just because it didn't involve anything sexual.

 

[crabclaw]

I think it's important to remember that the same factors that cause sexual assault to be traumatic can exist in other situations as well, even those that are nonsexual. Even if the situation wasn't sexual, it was still a violation of your bodily autonomy and integrity that you were unable to stop, and that itself can be traumatic. In what probably sounds profoundly stupid, it was still kind of deeply violating and internalized shame whenever it comes to mind over when I had restraints placed on me in an ambulance taking me to the psychiatric hospital involuntarily when I was a child and still just makes me feel vaguely gross, which obviously is nowhere near as bad as what happened to you, but violation can be traumatic regardless of the reason.

The fact that you made your lack of consent to the situation clear and it continued despite you even physically fighting back makes your family's behavior in the situation utterly indefensible, and your siblings lack of reaction doesn't make it any more okay. Consent on the part of others to something does not make a violation of consent on your own part any less traumatic. You're not overreacting, just because they refuse to acknowledge the harm doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

It comes off as kind of gross to me to suggest that it's silly to "hold a grudge" over what sounds like it was a fundamentally traumatic situation. While obviously parents may have to override the child's immediate desires in certain situations for their own protection, in situations like this, I don't think there's any age too young for violations of bodily integrity that are explicitly voiced by the child to matter.

Thank you, this was really well articulated and reassuring. I think it's so hard to talk about it with therapists/my partner because it doesn't fall directly under "sexual assault" which makes it feel like it's not an acceptable "trauma". I guess I haven't been able to unpack or heal or whatever from it because I haven't acknowledged that it was bad.

What you described sounds bad. I have experienced similar shit with my mother, which made me realize that that wasnt it. For a long time i thought my mother just doesnt understand the concept of "no" but she dont mean any harm (except for... when I resisted), until I realize that it was just a sign of worser shit she did (like apparently, when you are getting undressed and touched where you shouldnt be for "religious rituals" is not okay... thats just an example but i dont feel comfortable sharing all the shit she did). So... There could be more inappropriate shit your parents were doing you didnt realize wasnt okay.

Also, ignoring consent. That can actually end ugly. Like, even if imagine they didnt mean any sexual by it and there is nothing except what you described - it still very well could have leave huge trauma and you are clearly showing signs of it. The fact that they didnt stop after physical fight is sickening. Your siblings might be minimizing it because a) they were exposed less to it, b) (as i assumed) they didnt dislike touch as much so they didnt fight it as the important part i see is the lack of consent, c) they dont want to admit that what had happened was bad as its hard to accept
So. Just so you know: Your experience is valid

Also, side note:

You should talk about it with your partner. If i were them, id shave my beard off of it causes my partner lots of distress. Or so they know to be mindful about minimizing that type of touch (if you didnt ask about it yet) as in my expirience, getting rid of a trigger eases life a lot
(i hope my words make sense, im having a migraine)

Thanks for the reply. This, combined with the other responses has made me feel like talking to my partner about it, which I think would be very comforting, because I think they will agree that this was bad and have been completely patient and supportive about my poor mental health and history of trauma.

The snuggling itself sounds odd to say the least, I am not quite sure what to think about it. If all involved were ok with it, it probably wouldn't be much of an issue though. But you clearly weren't and made this quite clear. To continue and thus disrespect your boundaries is really bad. I can absolutely understand that you are upset about it. And there is no reason to minimize it, just because it didn't involve anything sexual.

I'd agree, when I actually type it out I can see that it sounds odd. But I really feel like my parents didn't mean any harm. But I guess I have to accept that no matter what their intention was, it hurt me pretty bad.